JOURNAL OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD (4)

CHAPTER 6: CLOSURE

CHAPTER 6: CLOSURE

September 16

Me: This is the same as breaking up with me.
Lisandra: No. I do not want to date you because I have to but because I want to.
That was exactly what I had said in a letter that I wrote to her.
Me: So you don't want to?
Lisandra: It's not like I don't want to... I don't know.

Later

Lisandra: Did you understand what I said?
Me: Yes.
Lisandra: Are you okay with it?
Me: That is a tricky question.
Lisandra: Sort of.
Me: I have to be okay with it. Because I want to be with you so I have to make compromises.
Lisandra: [she expressed how sweet it was]
Me: Let me tell you a story...

I told her a story that I kept to myself for a while. The story had a hidden meaning but I am not sure if she got it. She told me she was going through something. I did not feel okay after that.

September 17

I had a bad dream. A really bad dream and it was conveniently timed. The previous night David and Tristan were joking about Lisandra cheating on me. I don't know if they were joking but I just had to ignore them. In my dream, Lisandra cheated on me. I was back to my sad self.
There you have it. Charles Bluefield can never be truly happy. Happiness is life's bonus. Just like love, it is mythical.

Lisandra came to see me. This was the first time that a hug actually meant something to me. My eyes became waterier.
Lisandra: Are you okay?
Me: No.
Lisandra: What's wrong?
Me: A lot of things.
Lisandra: You can tell me. Do you want to tell me?
Me: Maybe.
Lisandra: Tell me.
Me: Now?
Lisandra: Okay, you can tell me later. I have a lesson.

I have suffered enough pain in 2 years to last a lifetime. Happiness is something I crave. Something that skips me. Why me? I just want the pain to go away.
Days passed and I came to realise something. Lisandra did not love me. She was just dating me. I have dated many girls. I could see through her. It was easy to see that this was not love so I
withdrew my feelings from the relationship. I received some information from Eli which just proved my point. I also received some good information from Lucas. Lisandra likes someone else. She was just dating me for the sake of dating me and I was now dating her to prove a point. With all the evidence I have presented; what do you think? Is love real. With all I have gone through. All I have told. Beware and be careful.

September 22

Chantel: What did you want to tell me?
Me: I am sorry about what I did.
Chantel: I trusted you.
Me: Please don't question my principles because of that.
Chantel: You have no principles.
Kylie tried to take Chantel.
Chantel: Don't worry. I can handle him.
Me: I had no choice.
Chantel: I know.
Me: So you understand?
Chantel: No. you lied to me. You broke your promise.
This conversation was halted by the appearance of the senior master.
We went for computer science later.
Me: Wait Chantel.
Chantel: So, you seriously slept during my whole presentation.
Me: I was tired.
Chantel: Oh, really.
Kylie saw us talking and she looked at Chantel. She stared.
Me: What's her problem?
Chantel: She hates you.
Me: Oh I see. Why?
Chantel: Because you broke my heart.
Me: That's none of her business.
Chantel: And also you wrote a whole book describing how promiscuous her friend is.
Me: None of her business.
Chantel: Please don't write about me. Don't write anything about me.
Me: Already did. Maybe she is just jealous that I didn't write about her.
Chantel: Just respect my privacy. That's one of your principles right? Me: Yes, it is. But you already question my principles so I don't care.
Chantel: But it's my privacy.
Me: First of all; you accused me of telling people about us. I never did. But it doesn't matter. I don't care. I am used to it. It's not the first time I have been accused of such. I just decide to keep quiet.
Chantel: and you wonder why people hate you.
Me: I don't wonder because I don't care. Unlike you, I don't talk too much. I am a quiet person.
Chantel: I am a nice person.
Me: Then why do people hate you. They complain about you.
Chantel: You are lying.
Me: I don't lie.
Chantel: You do.
Me: People have complained about you.
People actually complain about her. She is too loud.
Me: But I know why we have a problem. You don't respect me.
Chantel: Why should I?
Me: Because I am a person. Factoring the fact that I am older than you. I have been here longer than you.
Chantel: Respect is earned.
Me: Just give me 50% of the respect you wish to receive. I am now going.
Chantel: Okay.
Me: You may say what you want to say but deep down you know you want me.
Chantel: I don't.
Me: Oh really?

Later After Evening Study

Eli: Let's go see Shelly.
Shelly is a junior girl, 9th grade to be exact. She was on my list of people to ask for phone numbers last term. You probably forgot about her. We chatted with her for a few minutes.
Me: I found a solution for my problem with Lisandra.
Eli: What?
Me: I want to cheat on her.
Eli: Did you think about it?
Me: Yes. For a minute.
Eli: Think about it. And who do you want to cheat with?
Me: Anybody. My goal is to prove a point.
Eli: I see.
Me: I am done going after Lisandra.
Lisandra was my first girlfriend and I intended for her to be my last. To prove a point. I am not dating anyone after her. She is my last girlfriend. I tried love but it's just a myth. I am done. I have suffered enough.

September 23

I lost everything. Hope. I lost her. She was ending things with me. She sent a letter but I was not surprised. I saw this coming from a mile away. I made my peace with the fact that I will always be an unhappy person. Things keep on getting worse.

Eli: So, you are at your lowest?
Me: Yes.
Martin: I have bad news.
Me: I know. This is my lowest and trust me; I know.
Martin: Sorry man.
Eli: Is it because you didn't qualify?
Me: It's not just that. It's more than that.
Eli laughed at me.
Me: Man. You have no idea what I am going through.
Martin: Now give us the goods you had bought her.
Eli: You spoiled her too much. She's ungrateful.
Me: Man. I'm so hurt that I'm not even hurt. I can't even feel the pain.
Martin: I feel you man.
Eli: And to think... Vanessa lied about having virgin lips.
Me: Says who?
Eli: A friend.
Me: Hmmm.