Blue, purple, pink, and other eye dropping colors filled the sky. The rustling of my feet against the leaves was the only thing to be heard 5 miles from where I was located. It was silent. It felt eerie. I was frightened, but the only thing that gave me comfort was the warmth of the campfire. The crunching of the wood as it disintegrated before my eyes. I was sat on an old rotten log by a quiet and peaceful river behind me. The water flowing slowly and the sounds of fish swimming away to their little homes deep into the river. The campfire's light filled my eyes as I stood in front of it. Bright red, orange, and yellow shades overpowering the black darkness nearby. Why did I choose to go out by myself once again? Oh, right. My thoughts. The thoughts of wanting to die followed me back here to my nature home.
*flashback*
Worthless. Who even cares about someone such as yourself? You care and treat everyone as if your life depends on it, why expect the same from them? Why do they need to show you respect back? For you? For you, for you, for you... My thoughts echoed throughout my head. The need to burst out crying for the rest of the day, to stay a depressing little pancake glued to my bed kept reminiscing throughout my head. I wanted it to stop. The thoughts. Please. Make them stop...
There I stood, in front of my mirror, watching, as my tears began to fall and trickle down my sorrowful face. One after another they dripped. Drip drop. Almost as if I was a broken sink that had a sudden leakage. They wouldn't stop for a second. And yet, I continued staring at my miserable face. The pain in my eyes, red puffy nose filled with mucus, and a shivering bottom lip. I wanted to smash the mirror, to never look at myself again. I didn't want to feel pain anymore. I didn't want to think anymore. I only wanted it all to disappear. I wanted me gone.
*flashback ends*
I came here to relieve my stress, not to rethink what happened last night. Ugh. I watched as the last embers grew smaller and smaller. The light slowly fading before my eyes and before I knew it the fire was out. The only thing that followed my company was darkness itself. It felt incredible. No problems. No one telling me I needed help. There was only me and the darkness sitting on a rusty old log together. I felt free. The satisfaction of having peace and quiet for once in my life. I grabbed myself up, trotted over to my bright, yellow 7x7 foot tent and laid for the night. Looking at the ceiling wall of my tent, I was reminded of the bright, welcoming sun. Its warmth and love provided to everyone on this planet. And so, I drifted off to a peaceful sleep, or so I thought.
*inside a dream*
I had to find a way to get a gun. I just had this gut feeling building up in the core of my stomach. To shoot myself dead, to never think again. Where was I? Is this another dream? I want this feeling to end. I want to die and stay that way.
I looked at my surroundings carefully. At the entrance of a police station, there stood many police officers and civilians. Some officers radioing other officer and as they went on a goose chase for wanted criminals. Continuing to walk towards the interior of the police station, civilians were seen crying for their missing children. Holding their loved ones dearly close to their warm, loving arms, tears were running down their cheeks like a pencil marked against a paper quickly. Others around me yelling at the policers officers and receptionists to find the criminals who would dare do such heinous acts. And yet, there I stood, in the middle of this chaos. I was only invisible to them. They didn't care for me, for I didn't care for them either. This world, looking at it from this angle, it felt so empty and alone. No one cares for my existence. I was merely a speck out of the 7 billion people in this world. Who would really care about a speck such as myself? Exactly. No one would.
Walking my way over to one of the officers, I inspected him as I walked toward his direction portraying the role of a police officer like himself. He was young, early 20's, and shivering in his winter boots. Barely displaying a mustache on the his upper lip, he didn't seem ready for the real world yet and what it has to offer. Silently waving and smiling in his direction, he urged a nervous smile back. I somewhat felt the same nervous feeling around me. The unknowing of the real world scares everyone. Even those who have to witness it everyday, such as a young gentleman like himself. I held great respect for his duties.
"Hey there buddy. What brings you here at the police station?" He asked with a genuine smile this time. Why was he not afraid of me? Did he see the weakness covered all throughout my face? I could only gesture a crooked smile back at him. For I, was holding back years long of pain and agony within the crooks and openings of my smile. I took a deep breath to keep myself from tearing up here and there in front of everyone surrounding me. It felt sticky and sweaty. Although I was not alone, I felt the loneliest among crowds of many. Looking at his side, I saw what I came for. My lips no longer chapped, they become moisturized as I licked my lips slowly to keep my lips moisturized. And yet, glistening in the lights around us, his pistol gun showed through his right side. Almost as if I was hypnotized by the gun. I decided on a plan to grab it. To snatch it as fast as I could before he could make a reaction. A young lad like him. he wouldn't expect much from a weakling such as myself.
'Now!' Grabbing at his side with force, I took a hold of the pistol he originally held at his side. Instead of being held at his side, it would be held against the side of my head. Everyone's voices grew silent. The crying, the yelling, the sounds of the radios all disappeared due to my choice of movement. For once, I made an impact, but not a very good one at that. Mother covered their child's eyes, others held their jaws open as if they witnessed the innocent melting of a perfectly made chocolate bar for the first time. So much attention for one in my life, and yet, I hated every ounce of it. I didn't want pity, I didn't want frightened eyes, I wanted to see joy in their eyes. I will forever be the failure I have always been. Never bringing joy. Always bringing sadness.
Looking back at the young officer, he shook his head, everyone's screams filled my head as though their screams became the nightmare of my thoughts. So many people telling me there can be another chance. Where was that other chance? A mother gestured for me to place the gun down. "NO! NO!" I pulled the trigger. Black. White spots. Then, endless darkness.
*Dreams ends*
Birds chirping in the distance disturbed my beauty sleep. The singing of birds all around the window startled me awake. My breath felt heavily and stiff. If someone had taken a second glance at me, they'd pee their pants and mistake me for the boogy man. With eyes wider than the moon on a full moon, sweat came off my body and a never-ending shiver flew throughout my body. And yet, all I could do was stare at the roof of my tent. Bright yellow, warm, welcoming and all these other things. I was afraid of what my thoughts would become. Would they become more than than just thoughts? To actions?
If you couldn't tell by now, the sun is my only friend. It is my sense of comfort through the brinks of hell and darkness, especially when I am all alone in the woods with no one but the view of the bright, warm sun. But today, I didn't want the sun to just be a companion. I wanted to make a new friend other than nature itself.
Reaching for a blue towel to the left side of the tent, I dried the remaining sweat covering the rest of my body. 'What type of dream did I have? I wonder, are my mental tendencies eating away into my dreams again? I hope not, dear no.' Putting the towel back onto my left side of the tent, I unzip the tent, but I was in shock and in awe. For in front of me was something out of this world. I wanted to reach my hand out. Yet, I felt afraid of the unknown around me. Fear of the unknown shook throughout my body once again. The feeling of fear...
