poetry

friends with benefits but i have bpd

i want so badly to be okay with this

but we're close friends, i care about him, he cares about me

he says he thinks i'm cool and fun and nice

he likes hanging out with me

he thinks i'm pretty

but he doesn't want a relationship

neither do i, technically speaking

i can't date now, i'm too depressed

my mental health can't handle another person

and i know deep down that i don't even want him to be my boyfriend

so why does it kill me that he doesn't want me like that?

the only reason we aren't dating is that neither of us want to be tied down

but he wants to sleep around, i just want to be able to get up in the morning

maybe that's why it's hard

my reason for not wanting a relationship is so different to his

so at night, every night

my fear of abandonment rips open my heart

and my attachment issues tear away at my soul

while the creeping realisation that this might be a favourite person attachment swims around me like a sick shadow of the understanding that i will never be able to function like everyone else does

for so many reasons

for so many fucking reasons

i don't want him but i do

i do want him but i don't

maybe i just want someone to love me so i can prove that it's possible

maybe i just want something that will distract me from the aching yearn that pulls apart my organs every day

i'm sorry i couldn't make it to work, my intestines are spilling on the floor

but you don't see that so you don't care

it doesn't matter if i'm sad

i can still walk and talk so i should still be able to do what you want me to do

it's just that i thought i might have meant something to him

i thought maybe i was special

or important

and it turns out i am important but not in the way i thought i was

he told his friends about me and he told me he loved me and he told me he would do anything for me and he took me to his favourite place

but none of that was for the reasons i thought it was

fuck it hurts

but no

i know i don't want to date him

i should be happy

why the fuck am i never happy

why am i never enough to love?

why is it that i was enough to be friends with, and i'll be enough to have sex with, and i'm enough to go out with and watch a movie and see your favourite place

but i wasn't quite enough to cut off the others?

i wasn't quite enough to change your mind?

now he's not replying to me

and i don't know if it's because he's talking to her

getting nudes from her

there's probably more than just the one girl that i know about

maybe some of them he likes better than me

he's spoken about catching feelings for friends with benefits before so why am i not one of them

what did they do that i couldn't?

he facetimes her

why has he never asked to facetime me?

i know i'm his number one best friend but that doesn't mean shit

if there's another girl who's second

what fucking difference does that little red heart on snapchat make if he's not mine?

now i've told my mum i want to die

i have to visit the GP in the morning

they want me to go on anti-depressants

maybe i should

maybe it would be nice to not feel anymore

maybe it would be nice to fade away

BUT I KNOW I DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM

I KNOW THAT

WHY AM I SO JEALOUS

WHY DO I WANT HIM TO MYSELF BUT NOT TO DATE

AM I LYING TO MYSELF? OR AM I JUST PETTY AND SELFISH AND I WANT TO KEEP SOMEONE ALL TO MYSELF WHEN HE DOESN'T BELONG TO ME?

are they prettier than me?

are they nicer than me?

are they better company than me?

are they better at giving head than me?

what is so great about them that i'm not good enough for you?

what about me isn't enough

i'm not saying love me but i am saying why can't you

what the fuck have i done