Before I Fall

1.

Ew. Family. I hate my family. They always want me to change to their perfect family member. But guess what? I'm not perfect. And I'm not a normal heterosexual girl. When I fantasize about my future, it's just me and a bunch of cats and rats. And a frog. I really want a frog. And a binder. But I need to tell my family I am agender. I have to tell the most transphobic people on earth that I'm agender. God, if you really exist, I could use your help with this. And if you're listening, could you please fix my depression, anxiety and eating disorder too? My therapist isn't able to help me. She sucks. Her cure for depression appears to be "smile more". Very useful. That's where I pay a huge amount of money for. If I didn't have a job at the bookstore, I'd already have killed myself. But I don't want my friend to be sad. Kalani is all I have. I love that girl more than my cats, and that means a lot. But with this COVID-thing I can't see her. It's just me, my stupid parents, my weak brother and my cats. My brother. Micah. He had cancer and he barely survived. I still don't know how. I guess it's willpower. But he keeps coughing all day. It makes me worry. He isn't the only thing I'm worried about. I'm worried about my parents and what they do to me. I harm myself. Once a week I grab my knife. I skip lunch two times a week. I live on midnight snacks and energy drinks. And mental breakdowns. A lot of breakdowns. I cry myself asleep at least five times a week. Wanna know what I do the other two nights? I stay awake and finish my assignments. Crying. Drinking energy drinks. Tearing newspapers apart. I don't know how I managed to hide this from my parents. They think I'm happy, organised and perfect. But they are never at home. My mother is a nurse, and with this virus going on she is busy as fuck. My dad has a job 200 miles away. He's at home in the weekends, but I'm avoiding him. He's annoying as hell. Sometimes I just want to take a bath with our toaster, just to annoy him. But I don't want to die now. Not yet. I haven't finished my mission. The Mission. I can't fail. Not this time. My mission is my only goal I have to finish before I commit suicide. I have to tell Kalani what's going on in my head. How I feel. That's the mission. That's all. It sounds easy, but it isn't. I didn't tell anyone about this. I didn't tell anyone what happened. Come on, Sam. Focus. Don't think about things that could make you harm yourself. Don't. You. Dare. No. Don't be depressive. You dumb bitch. Get your shit together. Come on. You can do it. I reach under my bed and grab the bottle. The bottle doesn't contain water. It contains anti-think, whiskey. Pure whiskey. I take a sip. And another one. And another one. I drink the entire bottle. I get dizzy, and the bottle slips out of my hands. It breaks, and my feet are surrounded by shards. And then I fall. I lay with the shards, while the world turns black.
Voices. There are people here. I don't know what they're saying, but there's people. How. The. Fuck. Did. They. Get. Here. I'm pretty sure I locked my door. I open my eyes and look around. There isn't anyone. I look at the clock. Shit. These voices are my alarm. I have two minutes to get in that fucking zoom class. I sprint to my laptop and sign in. 10 seconds left. 9... 8... come on... 7... 6... almost there... 5... 4... and I'm in. Exactly in time. Mrs. Johnson doesn't even take attendance today. She just tells her boring story. At some point I have to run to the bathroom because I drank way too much whiskey. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I drink alcohol at 8 am? When I get back to my room, I realize there's still glass all over the floor. I walk trough it on my bare feet. I don't care about the pain. I don't care about anything. Well, that's not true. I don't care about pain and everyone except Kalani. That girl is just amazing. We've been friends since 4th grade. We're in our freshman year now, so it's been a long time. But I haven't realised what kind of feelings I have. I thought it was platonic. I was wrong. I'm always wrong. I was wrong when I thought it was a good idea to drink whiskey early in the morning. I was wrong when I thought my brother was fine when he left the hospital. I can hear him cough. I'm always scared. I don't want him to die. He already had so much pain. He deserves life. I don't. I'm going to unalive myself before the year ends.