Breaking Point

20

*trigger warning for mention of suicide and child abuse*

Cody slammed his locker shut. The day had finally and mercifully rolled to an end. I was looking forward to going home, even if it was agonizing seeing my mothers' suffering. But I wanted to check something first. Or, more specifically, someone.

I watched him from across the hallway as he shoved his friend and sniggered. His lopsided grin made something inside me twitch. His friend shoved him back and they loudly cackled over some dense subject that I couldn't particularly care to listen in on. I wondered how he justified picking on kids half his size. 

Wasn't it weak to prey on the weak?

I had read once somewhere that a person's behaviors reflected oneself. In simpler terms: a broken man would break others and a healed man would heal others. One could argue that if human behavior was simply a projection, then being held accountable was absurd: the trauma we endured in childhood shaped us into the adults we are today. Who could blame us for being vile, if were treated with cruelty our whole life?

But no: nothing would ever excuse treating another human being like dirt. No matter how abused you were, there was never any reason or any justification into crushing another soul into the ground. Everyone messed up. Everyone can and will hurt others. 

But no one should enjoy it.

Cody gave one final guffaw, adjusted his shoulder bag and turned on is heel. He walked off, but before he turned the corner, he glanced back and met my gaze. He had known that I had been watching him the entire time. His mouth lifted into a smirk and he raised his right hand and flipped me off. 

I deep sense of rage filled me, then. I was ready.

- - -

Nadia was waiting at my locker, fidgeting with her curly hair. She picked at her bottom lip and upon seeing me, took a deep breath. Something was off about her usually cool manner, but then again, the last couple of days had been rough.

"Listen." She said. "Ian told me that Cody was going to come after you. And knowing you, I'm certain you're going to let him and get in some huge, dumb fight and I will absolutely not allow that."

I paused, touched. "Um...okay."

"And...I'm worried." She admitted, her voice smaller.

"For me?" I was kind of shocked.

"Yeah, because." She looked away, uncertainly. "I'm scared that everything is getting to you and you're going to....or looking to...."

I raised an eyebrow, suddenly irritated. "Do you think I want this?"

"What?"

"Seriously?" I laughed, rolling my eyes. "Do you think I'm looking for a reason to go and hurt Cody as some sort of revenge for how awful everything has been? Do you think I'm gonna, I dunno, ram his head into the wall or something?"

"Wait, what?"

"No, it's okay." I went on, not even sure what my point is anymore. "You think I'm a violent person, right? You think I pushed Ian to go after them and now I'm looking for an excuse to take out all my anger and it's finally gonna happen. I'm finally just gonna let loose and kill him or something."

"Wait, that's not..." Nadia stammered, eyes wide. "I'm not even-"

"Like father like son, right?"

Nadia stared. I felt sick to my stomach. I pushed past her and headed for the doors. Was it normal to crave love but act like an animal? Was it normal to want everything to be perfect and fine and normal, but to feel as if something was tearing itself out of my chest? Was it normal to want to float endlessly in an ocean of nothingness, while everything inside you screamed until your ears rang and vision went blurry?