The Specks of Smallness

Aaron | Eighteen

Aaron | Eighteen

I hum to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday’ as I stroll down an unknown street, trying to find my way home. The street is dark and the wind is cold. Dogs bark loudly when I walk to close to their territory. I start jogging when someone's porch light comes on. There is no need for trouble tonight.

Cars that are from the olden days drive by. I wonder if Reagan got in her car; I wonder if she's looking for me, but I soon dismiss that ridiculous thought. She wouldn't dare come after my pathetic self.

And I wouldn't want her too, either. After what she did today, I don't think I'd want her to pick me up. I would rather have an infamous serial killer walk behind me and snap my neck.

I freeze when I hear a cat screech. A black cat scurries across the road in the spotlight. I look over my shoulder just to make sure there's no one in a trench coat following me. When it's clear, I continue on my journey home.

I walk down a street that I don't recognize. It's in this moment that I realize I'm far from the store where I used to hang with Carson. I stop at a corner and reach for my phone. There isn't any texts from Reagan, and Mom hasn't called either. The clock says it's past midnight. I wonder if the cops are looking for me.

Turning on my heel, I walk back the way I came—to the party. To myself, I pray that Reagan is still there, but I don't want that Drew character there. I don't want to see his wasted face. I don't want to smell his rotten breath. I don't want him to touch Reagan.

Was he trying to make me jealous? Did Reagan enjoy seeing me in an uncomfortable state? I pause in my step. I don't want to go back to the party. I know she would tell me to get my pathetic face away from her, and then she would smile at my pain.

“Fuck you, Reagan,” I whisper, sitting down on the sidewalk in the cold.

As the minutes pass by, I realize that this is what homeless people feel like. Sitting on a dark street, next to busy buildings, drivers passing by pretending they don't see you slowly dying. I begin to wonder if anyone stopped by the pregnant woman that was found frozen on the street. Did anyone see her baby bump? Are people really heartless assholes?

Yes, I answer myself. Yes they are.

A car goes by and pulls over at the curb. I don't pay any attention to it. I know it's just someone who's getting home from the bar. Their footsteps walk my way and I can hear them breathing.

“Hey!” He shouts, pulling my attention towards him.

I still can't see who it is through the darkness. They shout at me again, causing some houses to turn on their porch lights. There are no dogs on this end of the street thankfully.

“Hey!” He's closer now. His footsteps sound like they're behind me. “Hey,” he breathes heavily, standing over top of me, and now I know who it is.

“What do you want?” I snarl.

"What are you doing out here?” Carson asks. “It's freezing!”

“I'm fine. I don't need you here. I'm fine.”

He coughs. “You know, you don't have to lie to me, Aaron. I'm just—”

“Just what?" I intrude. When I gape at him, he sighs. “What do you want?”

“I just want to know what you're doing so far away from home.”

Oh, what do you care? I think. I don't realize I say it out loud.

“I care, Aaron. I've always cared.” His voice sounds sincere and I want to believe him, but I still think it's bullshit. When I don't reply, he says, “Listen. I know what you've been going through and I apologize. You may think that I started the rumor but I didn't. I knew it was a mistake to tell Noah and the guys. I'm just stupid.” He pauses, holding the bridge of his nose. “Every day I regret it. I just want to take it back. I just want to fix everything, but I can't. They won't listen to me, Aaron. Trust me. I've tried.”