"ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᵍᵉᵗᵗⁱⁿᵍ ˢᵒ ˢᵏⁱⁿⁿʸ, ʰᵃᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵗᵒᵖᵖᵉᵈ ᵉᵃᵗⁱⁿᵍ?"
"ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵇᵉ ᵍʳᵃᵗᵉᶠᵘˡ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵉᵃᵘᵗʸ ˢᵗᵃⁿᵈᵃʳᵈ"
"ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵉᵉⁿ ʸᵒᵘ ᵉᵃᵗ, ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵐʸ ˢⁿᵃᶜᵏ?"
"ᵂʰʸ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵉᵃᵗ ⁱᶠ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ʰᵘⁿᵍʳʸ?"
I see suffocating stares of disapproval I get from not finishing even half my plate.
The two bites of waffle I ate passed through me.
The vomit in the toilet and the silent cries I share in the white walls of the bathroom.
The running sink water to muffle my sounds.
"Don't worry mom, I'm fine!"
I lie through my teeth as I hold my stomach in pain.
The agony of not eating.
I'm not hungry right now. I refuse to be hungry.
I can't.
I was praised for being skinny, I can't stop now.
"Woah, you should lose some thigh weight-"
Guess I'm skipping breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next few days.
Gotta lose this thigh fat. Gotta lose all this weight.
"Don't worry dad, I'm fine!"
I lie through my teeth as I smile through the unbearable misery.
The misery of not being able to see me perfectly.
I'm not hungry. I refuse to be hungry.
I can't.
The disfigured mirror I see in myself is not nearly as good as it once one.
I loved myself once, but now I am not as skinny as those models I see on tik tok.
I am not perfect as those verified creators on Instagram.
Can't someone see how hard I'm struggling?
𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒐𝒏'𝒕.
𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒘 𝒃𝒂𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒇𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈.
𝑭𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒖𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆.
𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒄𝒚 𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒐𝒘𝒏 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒔.
𝑭𝒊𝒙 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒍𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒕.
"Yea she isn't eating right now, but we are going to get her fixed."
No, dad. You can't fix what's been broken for years.
I'm too far gone for saving.
Someone, please save me.
𝑺𝒉𝒖𝒕 𝒊𝒕.
"Babe, I don't wanna force you to do anything."
Stop mom. It's too late to try and redeem your past.
Just because you found out I'm torturing myself, doesn't mean you can act the hero.
You can't just act like I can be fixed. I don't wanna be fixed.
𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒊𝒆. 𝑺𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕.
The late nights with the heavy musk and the heavy pillows filled with tears.
Diamond tears. I was born in April.
But the heavy pillow that was hard as a rock in the morning
Reminded me that all the tears I shed didn't shed my weight.
My desire to burn away all my problems.
My desire to find a solution that would rid me of my emotion
My desire to just rot away every bit of myself so I don't have to see my pathetic face.
This is my eating disorder. Say 'hi'.
Why won't you say hi?
Say hi so I'm not crazy.
Please.
Stop not talking. Speak. SPEAK!
I'M NOT CRAZY, I PROMISE. I promise to eat if you just get rid of the voices telling me I'm not good enough.
I promise to eat if you can stop the wavy mirrors showing me my bloated and chubby body.
I promise to eat if you stop the people who say I should be happy.
I promise. I promise.
I promise to eat if you stop praising me for being skinny.
I can't starve myself anymore to hear those comments.
I just want someone to save me from my own monster.
I can't just,
eat.
