Because I'm Still in Love With You

Chapter 4

Eddie and him had fallen into some sort of routine after living together for some time. Richie would have to change Eddie's bandages less and less as his wound healed. It was rough the first couple of times with Richie getting flustered with a shirtless Eddie in front of him almost every night, but he got over it... eventually.
There was some buzz in the Losers group chat about meeting up soon at Bev and Ben's new home. Apparently it was large enough to house all of them and Bev was extremely proud of Ben and of course, being Ben, he always brushed it off. After some weeks of planning and schedule changes, they now had a set date for when they wanted to go out and stay at their house. Eddie, obviously, was very stressed about this trip. Richie walked into the guest room to find Eddie packing his clothes and a very wide variety of hygiene products and pills. It wasn't like Eddie was as bad as he was when they were kids, and he was getting better everyday. Richie still felt bad that Eddie had these fears drilled into his head since he was a kid and he couldn't do anything about it. He rapped his knuckles on the door frame and said, "You almost all set?" Eddie swiftly nodded his head and then asked Richie in turn, "What about you? I bet you only packed like one pair of underwear." Eddie joked and his smile suddenly dropped when he realized Richie wasn't responding. "You're kidding. Please for the love of god tell me you're kidding. I swear Rich-"
"Oh my god Eds!" Richie laughs and cuts off Eddie's rant. "Of course I'm kidding you neurotic little maniac!" Eddie had a large frown on his face when he grumbled, "I'm not little dickwad, I'm average fucking height." Eddie had pushed past him, hitting Richie's shoulder with his own to go into the bathroom. Once Eddie had shoved his toiletries in his suitcase Richie had already loaded his own suitcase in the trunk of his car. Eddie soon followed, struggling slightly more, his suitcase being much heavier than Richie's. They both got into the car and drove to the airport for their flight to Bev and Ben's house. It was in a secluded wooded area in Washington. Richie instantly fell in love. And Eddie instantly hated it. Don't get him wrong, the house was absolutely beautiful, but as soon as he stepped out of the car he was immediately attacked by several bugs. Richie of course laughed his ass off as Eddie listed many diseases that said bugs could carry. They walked to the front door, seeing that Mike's car was in the driveway, but not Bills. Richie knocked on the door to have it be opened by Ben. "Hey guys!" He said enthusiastically. He pulled them in for a tight hug and turned his head over his shoulder. "Bev, Mike, Eddie and  Richie are here!" Ben turned back to them. "Come in, and you can pick out your rooms." Richie walked in and practically ran towards Bev, embracing her in a big hug, lifting her off the ground. Eddie walked to where Mike was on the couch and also gave him a hug and started a conversation about all the places Mike had ended up travelling to. Ben had walked over and snuck his arm around Bev, where she was having a loud conversation with Richie. "So you two huh? Can't believe I'm best friends with the hottest couple in the world." Ben flushed and Bev rolled her eyes. "Whatever Trashmouth," she laughed. "You're just jealous that you can't have Ben now." Richie chuckled and put the back of his hand against his forehead. "You are so right," he drawled. "Whatever am I to do."
"Shut up Richie." Ben deadpanned.
"Love you guys!" Richie said, dragging out the 's'  as he walked to claim the room he wanted. Eddie got up and began to follow him into the hallway with the spare bedrooms. "Um, hey Rich?"
"What's up Spaghetti?" Ignoring the nickname, Eddie asked, "Is it okay if our rooms are next to each other? Ya know, in case of nightmares." Eddie's sentence got quieter as he neared the end of it.
"Of course Eds." Richie felt a knot in his stomach. Eddie had peeked his head into some of the rooms to find which one Mike had already put his things in. They quickly found two rooms next to each other and placed their stuff inside. As they walked out of the rooms, Bill pulled up in the driveway. "Bill!" Bev had practically screeched. They shared a hug and everyone took their turn greeting and hugging Bill. He left to put his things in a room, then sat down on the couch next to Mike. Everyone kind of paired off, which left Richie and Eddie alone together. They weren't talking to each other, just sort of eavesdropping on Bill and Mikes conversation about some book. Richie was so bored he thought he was gonna die. He nudged Eddie with his elbow and whispered, "Wanna go for a walk with me?" Eddie smiled, "Yeah, sure." They both stood up and walked to the back sliding door. Bev noticed them leaving and called to Richie, "I'll text you guys when dinner is  ready!" She shot Richie a wink when no one was looking and he shot her his middle finger. She laughed and turned back to Ben, who had already started cooking.
Eddie was standing silently and looking at the trees sway when Richie closed the sliding door. "Let's go down to the dock." Richie said as he walked past Eddie, onto the small trail. Eddie followed and they walked quietly to the small lake a ways past the house. Eddie eventually breaks the silence, "It's really beautiful out here. I remember always wishing before summer that my mom would let me go camping." Eddie pauses and mutters, "Of course she never did." Richie could never find one reason for liking Sonia except for giving him Eddie.
"Remember that time I tried to convince her to let you go to that summer camp with me?" Richie asked fondly.
"Oh my god yeah," Eddie laughed. "I'm pretty sure you did the exact opposite."
"I probably did." Richie chuckled, looking at Eddie, who was looking down at his feet. They shared memories every once and a while, but they were mostly quiet as they walked to the dock. Once they were there, Richie immediately walked to the edge and took his shoes and socks off. He sat down and let his feet hang in the water. Eddie sat down next to Richie with his legs crossed in front of him. "Don't you wanna put your feet in? It's kind of hot today."
"Do you know how many parasites could be in this water? It's fucking disgusting man."
"Are you kidding me? You jumped in the fucking quarry when we were kids, that has to be way more gross than this."
"Ugh, well... whatever asshole." Richie heard Eddie mumble a few more complaints and insults under his breath as he took his shoes and socks off. Eddie slowly put his feet in, pressed thigh to thigh with Richie. "Water's kinda cold." Eddie remarks. Richie lets out a large breath he didn't know he was holding. "Yeah, I guess it is." He replies quietly.
The sun starts to set. It's stunning. Richie and Eddie look at each other and they each think how beautiful the other is in the lighting. "I'm really glad I know you Rich," Eddie suddenly says. "When It erased our memories, I always felt like something was missing you know? I think- I think it was you." Eddie drops his gaze to his lap. Richie felt his face burning, hoping that Eddie didn't look up to see his massive blush.
"I felt the exact same way." They looked into each other's eyes again and Richie felt butterflies in his stomach. Should he tell Eddie now? It seemed like a good time to. Eddie looks at the setting sun, but Richie keeps his eyes on the smaller man. Richie had wanted to tell all the Losers in one go, but this was Eddie. When Eddie told him he was gay, Richie couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope that his feelings were reciprocated. Maybe if he told Eddie he was gay, things could progress from there? Richie told himself not to get his hopes up. Eddie's side profile was gorgeous, his eyes looked so pretty in the sunlight. Richie never noticed how long his eyelashes were. "Haha, yeah. I used to get bullied because I had 'girl eyelashes.'" Richie's smile dropped. Did he really say that out loud?
"Well I think they look really nice." Richie's grin returns to his face.
"You really think so?" Eddie raised his eyebrows.
"Yeah, I- I really do." It's then Richie's turn to look into the sun. "Eds, I uh, I have to tell you something."
"What is it Rich?" Richie's heart melts at how sincere Eddie sounds.
"You know when we got our tokens, and I got mine at the arcade?"
"Yeah?"
"Well uh, it was after the fight with Big Bill and I was playing street fighter with Connor Bowers."
"Henry's cousin?"
"That's the one. I asked him to play one more game with me, but that's when Henry walked in. Connor totally changed, like a switch was flipped or something. He started yelling about how he wasn't my boyfriend and how he didn't know there were fairies in this town. Henry screamed at me, calling me a faggot and shit like that. After that I just ran."
"Rich-"
"Well the thing is Eds, he was right."
"What?"
"Henry, he was right. I'm a fucking faggot. A fairy." Richie was too scared to look at Eddie. However, he became worried as Eddie wasn't saying anything. Richie built the courage to look in Eddie's direction. He was met with tears streaming down Eddie's face. Eddie still was silent as he forcefully wrapped his arms around Richie. Richie was too shocked to respond, but when his mind finally caught up he returned the hug. "Thank you for telling me Chee." Eddie squeezed him so hard that he ended up hurting himself. He winced and softened his grasp. "Oh shit Eds, are you okay?"
"Shut up asshole, this isn't about me right now." Both of them were crying silently into each other's shoulders. Eddie pulled away and looked Richie in the eyes. He wiped a tear away from under Richie's glasses and his smile slowly faded. "I never want you to say that ever again."
"Huh?"
"You may be gay, but I don't want you to talk that way about yourself. You're amazing Rich, you're my best friend." Richie beamed and carefully pulled Eddie into another hug. He shoved his face into the crook of Eddie's neck and took a deep breath.
"Thank you."
"Of course shit head." Richie chuckled and leaned his head from out of Eddie's neck, but not releasing him from the hug.
"Asshole, I wanted to wait to tell you with the rest of the Losers, you know, to get it done in one go."
"I'm glad you didn't" Eddie whispered.
"Yeah, me too." They eventually pulled away from each other and quietly enjoyed the sunset.
It was nearly dark when Richie felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Eddie looked over to where Richie was pulling it out. "Must be Bev saying dinner's ready." As Richie read the text, Eddie got up and started to put his socks and shoes back on. "Oh shit." Richie muttered.
"What? Did something happen?"
"I don't know," Richie looked up with wide eyes. "Bev said we need to come back, it's an emergency." Richie shot up and began to chaotically pull his socks and shoes on. They quickly sped walk back down the trail to the house, lightly jogging once they were close. Eddie pulled open the sliding door and saw all the Losers all sitting in the living room. "What's going on?" Richie asked, slightly panicked. He looked over and saw a woman sitting on the couch, next to Bev, who he had never seen before. "Who's that?" He points at her and looks around to the other Losers for an explanation.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm Patty Uris. Stan's wife." Eddie covers his mouth with his hand. He grabs Richie's elbow to lead him to the chair which they both sit down on. Eddie doesn't let go of his elbow. "I'm sorry for just dropping in unannounced-"
Bev cuts her off, "Don't apologize sweetheart." She drops a hand on Patty's knee. Patty looks at Bev and smiles with tears in her eyes.
"I know you all were very close with my husband and well-" she takes a shuddering breath before continuing. "He wrote you all letters and told me in his note that he wanted me to mail them, and I- well I opened one of them to read. I know that I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it."
"No one blames you for reading it, Patty." MIke says, tears staining his cheeks.
"I was just curious, I had no idea who any of you were. He never talked about you guys at all." Everyone shared awkward glances, no one knew how much Patty actually knew about the whole Pennywise situation. "Anyways, you can understand my shock when I found out one of Stan's childhood friends was Richie Toizer and Bill Denbrough." They all shared a small laugh.
"W-would you like to r-r-read the letter out loud?" Only then did Richie notice the small piece of paper that Patty was clinging to.
"Yeah, yeah you should." Ben said barely above a whisper.
"Um, well, okay." Patty unfolded the paper and held it in front of her face. "Here we go." Patty began to read the letter. As she went on, more and more sniffles and sharp breaths could be heard throughout the room. "...we're losers, and we always will be." Everyone was sobbing. Richie missed Stan with every bone in his body. Eddie seemed to sense this and started rubbing his thumb back and forth on his elbow. "So," Mike started. "I know this must be extremely difficult to talk about, but how much do you know of Stan's death?"
"Jesus Christ." Richie mumbled, which only Eddie could hear. He, in response, pinched Richie's elbow lightly.
"I didn't  know why he did it, but I guess no one really knows why anyone... does that."
"You said he left you a note, what did he say in it?" Ben says after a beat of silence follows. "If you don't want to say that's totally fine." He quickly adds.
"Just to send the letters, that he loves me and that he 'has to do this', whatever that means." Patty puts her head in her hands and takes a deep breath.
"W-we should tell her." Bev stares in shock at Bill's remark.
"Are you sure?" Mike asks
"Tell me what?" Patty says as she lifts her head.
"I can't do this." Richie's head is pounding. He can't talk about this shit right now. He stands up and goes back out the sliding door. He walks over to the line of trees and haunches over and empties his stomach.  He jumps a little bit when he feels a hand rubbing up and down his back. He is sure that it's Eddie, but he's still throwing up, so he can't check. He's soon corrected when he hears Eddie's voice, "You okay?"  Richie quickly nods his head and rubs his mouth with his sleeve. He stands up and pulls Eddie into a hug. They both are crying. "This seems familiar." Richie jokes, trying to lighten the mood (and take the attention off him). Eddie chuckled softly and they both sank to their knees while they sobbed. "It's not fair." Eddie whispers after a while.
"What do you mean?"
"Why did I get to live and not him?" Richie was taken aback. Eddie had tried very hard to not talk about his near death experience. Even when Richie had to change his bandages, they always had their usual banter and when it was quiet, Eddie always found something to say to start them up again. "It should've been me." Eddie said it so quietly that Richie was sure he imagined it. He grabbed Eddie by the shoulders and pulled him away from him.
"Don't. Don't you ever fucking say that." Eddie stares at him. Although Richie can barely see him in the dark.
"But it's true Richie." His voice is still quiet.
"No the fuck it's not!" Richie was yelling now
"Yes it is Richie!" Eddie shouts back, matching Richie's tone. "He has a wife that loves him! I have no one!" He flailed one arm towards the house.
"What are you talking about? You have all the Losers Eddie! You have me you piece of shit! You're right, it's not fair, but you have people who love you and would miss you. I have no idea what I would do if you died down there." Richie gasps for air as tears roll down his cheeks. "So don't you ever say that again Eddie." Richie took off his glasses and rubbed a hand over his eyes, wiping away his tears.
"I'm sorry Rich, I'm sorry." Eddie whispered as he hugged Richie. They stayed like that for a while before deciding it was a good idea to go back into the house. It was so dark Richie had to use his phone flashlight to guide them. When they were back in the living room, they found everyone surrounding a crying Patty while Mike and Bill were taking turns talking. Richie pushed past the furniture to go into his room, Eddie following right behind him. Bev got up to go with them. Richie had placed his glasses on his bedside table and taken his jacket off to go to the bathroom. He washed his mouth and splashed cold water over his face. When he walked back into his room, he saw Bev and Eddie hugging while sitting on his bed. He sighed and went to wrap his arms around the two of them. After a minute or two, Bev spoke up, "How are you guys holding up?"
"As well as we can." Eddie replied.
"I feel like shit." Richie said at the same time. They all chuckled lightly at Richie's comment and Bev took a deep breath.
"This fucking sucks." She whispered.
"Yeah, it really does." They were quiet again after that. Bev eventually pulled away.
"Well I'm gonna go check on how things are going with Patty. The dinner is on the kitchen counter if you want any, but we'll probably end up eating it tomorrow night. You guys get some good sleep."
"Thanks Bevy." Richie smiles up at here. She walks out and quietly closes the door behind her. He turns towards Eddie and asks, "Is it alright if you stay in here tonight?"
Eddie smiles, "I was just about to ask you the same thing." Eddie gets up and goes into his room to change into his sleep clothes and do his nighttime routine. When he returns to Richie's room, Richie is already changed and into bed on his phone. Eddie gets plops down on his stomach and lets out a huge breath. Richie snickered and put his phone on the bedside table and shuts the lamp off. Eddie scoots closer to Richie and puts his head on his chest. Richie tenses for a moment and Eddie notices. Of course he thinks it's for the complete opposite reason. "Is this okay?" He asks. It takes Richie a moment to get his mouth working and he responds. "Yeah man." Man? Why the fuck did he call him man right now? Eddie brings his hand to rest next to his head. Richie drapes his arm over Eddie's shoulder blades and rubs nonsense patterns. They end up falling asleep like that.
Eddie wakes up from the sun shining in his eyes through the window. They were in the same position they were in when they fell asleep. Eddie turned his head away from the sun and tried to fall back asleep, the motion causing Richie to stir and actually squeeze Eddie tighter. Eddie did end up falling back asleep, which gave Richie a unique experience. Waking up and Eddie still being there. Richie was overwhelmed. He imagined waking up like this every morning and he yearned for it. He tried to get up to go get breakfast, but Eddie grumbled and clenched his fist in Richie's shirt. Richie wanted to scream, Eddie was adorable. He took Eddie's hand in his and pried it off of his shirt. Eddie grabbed where Richie used to be and finding that no one was there, grabbed the pillow that Richie laid his head on. Richie watches as he spoons the pillow and takes a deep breath. Richie blushes profusely and changes out of his sleep clothes. He leaves the room and closes the door as softly as possible. When he leaves, he sees that the only person in the living room is Mike. He's sitting on the couch, coffee in one hand and his phone in the other. Richie grabbed his own cup of coffee and sat down next Mike. "Hey Rich, how'd you sleep?"
"Like a baby."
"That's good." Richie takes a sip of his coffee.
"So, how'd things go with Patty? Is she still here?"
"No she left late last night. I think she just needs to process everything. I don't know if she even believes us."
" I know I sure as hell wouldn't." Richie muttered. After a moment of quiet, Mike spoke up,
"I'm pretty sure we're the only two awake right now."
"That's literally never happened to me ever." Mike laughed at Richie.
"Well, we all had a pretty long night last night. I made some breakfast if you want."
"Yeah, sure, thanks Micycle." RIchie got up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen.
"No problem!" MIke turns back to whatever he was doing on his phone. Richie plates the scrambled eggs and sausage that was on the stove and pours himself some orange juice. He opened the front door and sat down on the porch steps. He began to eat while listening to the sounds of the morning around him. He turned around as he heard the door open and shut behind him. Bev walked out and sat down next to him. "Hey Red." Richie smiled at her.
"Hey Rich, you doing okay?" Richie took a deep breath and gratefully accepted the already lit cigarette Bev offered him.
"I'm... I actually don't really know." He took a long drag.
"Yeah I get that, a lot has gone on."
"Half of the time it doesn't feel real." He stares off into the trees and is lost in his thoughts.
"So, how are things going with Eddie?" Richie smiles.
"They've been going pretty good actually."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I actually um... I came out to Eddie." Bev's eyes widened at Richie and it made him chuckle.
"Are you fucking serious?" Richie nodded. "When?"
"Jesus Bev if anyone wasn't awake yet they sure are now." Bev scowled and hit him on the arm. Richie laughed and pretended to be hurt, rubbing the spot she hit. "Oww!"
"C'mon Trashmouth, tell me everything!"
"Okay, okay I will! I actually told him last night when we went for that walk." Bev smiled and waved her hand, telling him to 'go on'. Richie recounted all the things that happened on the dock the night before. He left some parts out, out of embarrassment, or moments he wanted to just be his and Eddie's. At the end Bev gave him a side hug and said, "I'm so proud of you sweetheart."
"Thanks Bevy," He kissed her on the cheek. "I wanna find a time to come out to the rest of the Losers."
"You will, don't worry. I'm glad you're being you Rich. I know there's a lot happening with Patty, but I know it'll all work out." Richie started tearing up at the mention of Patty. He snuffed out his cigarette which had gotten significantly smaller. Bev tsked and pulled him into a proper hug. "I just miss him. I really fucking miss him." He sniffled
"I know you do honey," Bev whispered. "We all do."
"I hope Patty's alright, maybe she could join the losers?" He asked. He sounded like a kid asking his mom.
"She will be, with time. Maybe she will join the club, who knows." Bev smiled. "We're gonna be okay." She whispered and kissed the top of Richie's head.
"Yeah, we will be."