After a long day of helping the people of Limsa Lominsa, Saru decided to go back home where he hasn't been in a long while. He usually travels outside La Noscea so he's never able to return home where his boyfriend, Artoria also lives. Because the both of them never get the chance to relax with each other, Saru chose to return to Artoria's room instead of his own. Once he entered his lover's room, he let a small chuckle leave his mouth. Everything was perfectly clean except his desk, which was a mess. A lot of books were open on pages about arcane magics and Artoria's bag was lying open, asking to be looked into.
So typical of Art to only leave a mess on his desk.
After a small stretch, Saru made up his mind and walked to the desk to start cleaning it up. Maybe I should open the window first for some fresh air. As determined as he was to do something for his lover, he forgot that there was a storm raging outside. When he opened the windows, a large gust of wind entered the room. Books fell on the floor, some pages turned and some of the content in Artoria's bag fell on the floor. Shocked by the cold breeze and the sound of falling books, Saru immediately closed the window and rushed to the desk which was even messier now. As he started to pick up the books on the ground, his eyes skimmed through the contents of another. A particular word, no- a name, caught his attention.
Haurchefant.
Saru felt a dreadful feeling in his stomach and wished he didn't see what he thought he saw. Once, through the power of the echo, Saru saw some flashbacks about Artoria and Haurchefant and noticed they were more than traveling companions. Picking up the book he actually didn't want to read, he noticed it was Artoria's diary. I shouldn't read this. Deciding to close the diary, another word stood out to him.
Love.
His hands began to stiffen, and the diary escaped from Saru's grip. "Love?". It was a word he yearned to hear from Artoria, because his lover never once told him the one sentence he wanted to hear. He was not supposed to read what was inside and he didn't want to lose Artoria's trust, but he could not fight the overwhelming feelings welling up inside of him. Picking up the fallen journal, he braced himself for what was to come.
...
He felt miserable and had the urge to throw up. Not only because he read what his lover wrote about someone else, but also the fact that he wasn't strong enough to withstand his urge to read the contents of the diary. Strength. The meaning of his real name and the one word he hated, because he knew he lacked it. The sent and unsent letters on the ground didn't help either. You don't need to know who the sender is or who the lucky recipient was to feel overwhelmed by the amount of love and thoughts which has been put into the letters.
Was this why he always wanted me to go with him to Camp Dragonhead? Because he can't go there anymore with Haurchefant? Only thinking about the name of Artoria's dead ex-lover made Saru feel the desire to tear all letters with his lover's declaration of love to another. I wish his name was replaced with mine... Replace? Replacement? Wait... I was the replacement all along? Is that why he never told me he loved me? Because he never did? Is that why... there are no letters for me? As his knees were starting to weaken, he held himself up by pushing himself on the table.
"... are my letters everywhere?"
As Saru looked through the window, he remembered that this makes the second time someone is leaving him. The first time being his father figure who betrayed him. "Everyone leaves in the end. They come, and they go. They all go..."
"... that mean? ... understand... not ... anywhere..." Shut up. "Look whatever... my diary" Shut up! "trust me, it means nothing. Not... you're all... to me..." What am I hearing? Who is talking to me? Trust? Who is there to trust anymore? "Trust me, I would.... If you... question... let's just..." Trust!?
