young and in love

As I walk in the room with all eyes on me I can't help but wonder is there something wrong with me? 

I see how it is i feel ugly and i just know i can feel it im going back into that dark place i fought so hard to get out of i run to the bathrooms thinking not again not again why me why me i pull out my phone and i see his most recent post all i see is him and some beautiful blonde skinny perfect girl i can't help but think again why me? I should have known he was gonna choose her he always does it's not a shock so i don't know why it affects me so much we are never gonna be more than friends so why do i try he always acts as tho the night before never happened being used is not fun he says he loves me but i know he is just bored and using me. 

Last night he promised me he was not going to do this again to me but he lied when I saw what he posted. What did I do to deserve this? I haven't done anything wrong is what everyone tells me but I feel like I have done something wrong. I just don't know why I give him everything he asks for and I never ask for anything in return. 

I trusted him and he broke that trust yet every time he comes over i can't help but feel like i'm falling in love with him again everytime is like the first time and i can't do anything to stop it i always said i want a love that consumes me but now it just feels like i have no love and the love he claims we have is physically draining me he only wants me for one thing is what it feels like. 

And I want to believe him when he says he loves me but I just can't, especially after what he did the last time. I love him so much and he doesn't even love me back and the one boy that actually shows that he cares and always has  i just don't love i just wish someone would love me the way i need to be loved and i would do the same for them. Everyone i know says i'm always angry but i'm not angry i am sad and in pain and i think and feel that all i need is just love not family love real love. Not the kind of love that this one boy thinks is he thinks showing love is by doing one thing then leaving that's not love and he doesn't realize that i just wish he did because he is the only boy i love. I swear I love this boy with all my heart. He still gives me butterflies just like the first day I met him and our first hug. Everytime i see him it is like I'm falling for the first time again and it hurts but also feels amazing. And when we facetime he gives me butterflies and and tells me i'm beautiful and it's so cute when we facetime he plays his video game and i draw or i just talk and there are these moments where i catch him just admiring me and it makes me feel so loved even tho i know he only sees me as his friend thats how it has been for 3 years and how it always will be nothing more. But sometimes I like to think we are more than just friends. Because sometimes it helps me feel loved but i don't know what made me fall so hard for this boy maybe it was the way he smiled at me or the way his hands wrapped around my waist nice and tight when we cuddled or maybe it was how i felt safe every time he held me in his arms or how he told me he loved me even when i knew he was lying for some reason i fell hard for him and there is not a day that goes by where i regret meeting him because if we never met i wouldn't be the young women i am blossoming into everyday.

I just love him so much i mean seriously this man still gives me butterflies like it's the first time again man i love this boy so much he is my happiness i wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world even if i could i would still choose him i guess that's what i get for falling in love at eleven. 

I am now thirteen and i still love him with all my heart and everytime i talk to him or see him

I fall even harder.