motion picture soundtrack || letters.

22-01-22

i hope you're feeling better. i hope your days are candied and high-contrast. that they're petalled and blue, or orange, or amaranth, and that you're pressing them into journals. i tell you the following because i want to tell someone and in my world "someone" is by default you. i am, for the first time in my life, happy and aware that i am happy. dodie wrote about heartbreak once that you don't realise you're out of the tunnel until you've been out of it for a long time. i find that not only true about heartbreak but also about the chasm in my mind that imposed itself on my teen years... it healed long ago, and i can strain to remember just when the big moment was all i like. no such moment exists. was it when he...? or when i...? or when she...?

you once said to me that you liked it when you wouldn't hear from me, because you could have faith that i was out in the world doing good. i thought you were inhuman, because sometimes hearing from you felt like what i needed to confirm the sun would rise the next day. i died by inches when you weren't around. how could you gain something from it?
now i agree. i can't believe it, but i do! each day you don't reach for me i love you more. i can't explain but i pray you know what i mean.

i think you do. i finished reading wuthering heights the other day. the two main characters share a romance that is deeper than reason. they are very dissimilar and when cathy's maid asks her why she loves heathcliff, cathy can only say, i am heathcliff. he is more myself than i am.

my old physics teacher showed me a 3D map of all the galaxies in the observable universe. it was a shape that is impossible to describe for a reason that is impossible to name. maybe its scope makes it so. it feels metaphysical to look at, like i'm not seeing space but whatever holds space on its path through time. that's what cathy's statement reminds me of. she loves him for no reason that she can completely understand or express, but maybe that's just because it is so wide she can not fathom its framework let alone itself. all this to say what i always end up saying whenever i open my damn mouth, and what i can never just speak without metaphor or preface to abstract it or act as a buffer. "this is how i..." you can guess the rest.