Holding On | Bucky Barnes

28 | Friday, January 28th

I gasp awake, sweating from the nightmare.

I dreamt that I hurt them. I tried to kill them. Tears drip down the sides of my face but when I try to wipe them away, my arms get caught half way. I look down and see metal cuffs circling my wrists with thick chains attaching me to the bedframe.

Oh God.

I didn't get out.

I'm still at the facility.

No, no, no.

I thought I got out.

I was home.

I look around the unfamiliar room, chest heaving as I push myself against the wall.

What's going on?

This isn't my cell.

No, no, no.

Tears flow down my cheeks, and I try to calm my breathing.

"I thought I was out. I thought I was home. I was home," I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut. "No," I grind out, pressing into the wall. "Please, no."

I throw my head back and dull pain erupts across my skull.

Good.

I send my head against the wall again and again.

"Stop! You're going to hurt yourself," I hear before hands grab onto the sides of my face to hold it still.

My eyes fly open, and I press myself further against the wall before I recognize who's in front of me. "Bucky? Bucky what's going on? Where am I?" I sob, trying to remember what happened.

"Shh, it's okay. You're safe."

"But w-why am I chained up then? What—"

It wasn't a nightmare.

"Oh, God. Oh, God. I tried to kill you. No. I tried to kill everyone. What- Why would I do that? Oh my God," I gasp, feeling like I'm going to be sick. I try to pull away, but Bucky holds my face firm. "Is everyone okay? Please tell me they're all okay."

"Shh, it's okay. Everyone is fine."

"It's not okay. I tried to kill everyone. I wanted to kill everyone."

"It wasn't you. Holden planted an activation phrase in your mind. They made you do it," he explains.

But it was me.

I hurt everyone.

"Everyone is okay?" I ask again through my tears.

"Everyone is fine. We've been waiting for you to wake up... Fury didn't want to take the risk of anything happening when you woke up, that's why you're cuffed... You're at the Compound," he says reaches to my wrists, "I'll get them off you."

I pull them back.

I need to stay locked up.

"No. Leave them. I don't want to hurt anyone again."

"That won't happen. Please, let me take them off you," he says quietly. I hesitate but hold my wrists out at the look in his eye. He presses his thumb against a black square on the band and they unlock, dropping to my lap.

"I didn't know you. I didn't know anyone. But I hated you. Hate like I've never felt before," I mumble.

He nods. "I know. It consumes you... But it's over." He moves the cuffs and chains off my lap before pulling me up gently by the elbow to stand. His hand reaches up to my cheek while his eyes trail across my face with a guilty expression.