I Hate Me, Too | Han Seojun

11

Jugyeong's POV

Flashback- 2 years ago

"Lim Jugyeong! Where have you been? Do you know what time it is?" My mom asks me as I come through the front door.

I stand there, the door still open, unable to move or speak.

"Jugyeong, you're letting cold air into the house." My dad says.

"And bugs!" Juyeong adds on.

Tears begin to slide down my cheeks. My moms angry expression softens.

"Jugyeong...why are you crying?" She asks as she makes her way over to me.

She puts her hands onto the sides of my arms and tries to look me in my eyes. I begin to sob, the tears feeling like they would never stop falling.

"She...in the water...bridge...dead." I manage to spit out.

"What? Who's dead?" My mom asks, clearly confused.

I begin to hyperventilate. It was like my lungs were rejecting the air I tried so hard to breathe in. I fall to my knees, my sobs becoming harsher. My mom crouches down to me as my dad and Juyeong come to be by my side.

"Jugyeong, are you alright? What's wrong?" My dad asks, worried.

"Yusoi..." I say breathlessly, "She's dead."

Everything stops. I look to see all of their expressions turn into shock. Their faces lose color, becoming pale and lifeless. My mom raises her hand to cover her mouth. I notice tears brimming her eyes before she pulls me into a tight hug.

-

"Are you sure you don't want to go to school today?" My brother asks, concerned.

I don't reply and he sighs at my silence. He slowly closes the door, hoping I would change my mind, but I don't. Two weeks. It's been two weeks since she died. I lay on my side in my bed, staring at the wall as tears slide down my cheeks, dripping onto my pillow.

"Jugyeong." My mom says as she opens my door. I don't reply as I hear her footsteps make their way over to my bed. "You should go to school today, I hear they are going to have some sort of event during lunch, that sounds exciting." I don't answer and she sighs. My bed shifts as she takes a seat beside me. She stays quiet for a while as she rubs her hand soothingly on my back. I feel myself trying to suppress sobs as she does this.

"It," I say, my voice cracking slightly since I haven't talked in a while. I clear my throat, "It feels like she left me again." I say, quietly.

"Jugyeong, she didn't want to leave you before, she didn't want to leave you this time either."

"Well it doesn't feel that way." I say, no longer being able to suppress my sobs. I turn to face her and wrap my arms around her waist. She returns my hug, bringing her right hand to my head as she caresses my hair gently. "I felt so alone when she wasn't there at school and when I finally got to see her again, she leaves." I pull myself away from the hug. "Did I do something wrong? Could she really not stand me that much? Did I kill her?" I ask, hoping none of the answers were true, but the feeling in my chest wouldn't go away.

"Jugyeong, don't you dare say that! You did not kill her." My mom tries to reassure me. She brings her hands to cup my cheeks and wipe my tears with her thumbs. "She was in a lot of pain, Jugyeong; You did all you could to help. Sometimes, the only way for people to feel at peace is to let themselves go. None of this is your fault, do you understand me?" She says, sternly.

I shake my head, looking down.

"It feels like it is." I say.

-

Flashback- 5 years ago

"Are you sure it's okay for us to skip today?" Yusoi asks as we begin to walk away from the school.

"No, I'm probably going to get into a lot of trouble, but it's worth it," I turn to her, now walking backwards, "For you." I say with a bright smile. She gives me a small smile in return as I push up my glasses on the bridge of my nose.

"Do you have any idea where we're going?" She asks, placing her hands on the sides of my arms, turning me around so I'm walking normally again.

"I have a few ideas in mind." I say, trying to refrain from telling her what we're doing today. I reach to grab her wrist as I pull her next to me, linking her arm with mine. She looks at me and rolls her eyes before resting her head on my shoulder as we continue walking.

-

"You brought me to an ice cream shop?" She asks, confused as we walk up to the shop not too far from the bus stop.

I nod my head, turning to her. "What? Do you not like ice cream all of a sudden?"

"It's ten in the morning." She replies, looking back at the ice cream shop.

"You make it sound like this is a crazy idea." I say, crossing my arms.

She looks back at me, "Look, Jugyeong-"

I wave my hands, stopping her from finishing her sentence. She was giving me that look, I had to stop her before she continued.

"No," I say, closing my eyes as if that would stop me from hearing her protest, "I got you ready this morning, I pulled you out of bed myself, brushed your hair myself, and got your uniform ready myself all so I could spend today with you, so yes," I say, pointing to the ice cream shop and opening my eyes, "We are going to be eating ice cream at ten in the morning."

She bites the corner of her lip and sighs.

"Fine," She says, giving in. "Ice cream it is."

I smile and walk over to her, draping my arm over her shoulders as we walk over to the door.

-

"Thank you again." She says before setting down the picture frame of her and her dad back onto his altarpiece. She turns to me, "And make sure you tell your family 'thanks' again."

"Are you going to say that every year?" I ask, trying to lighten the mood.

She chuckles lightly, "I will if I have to."

We both turn back to face the altar. I look to see her biting the inside of her cheek from the corner of my eye. I reach out my hand to hold hers. Our fingers interlock and she squeezes my hand.

"You know it's not your fault, right?"

She doesn't answer. I turn my head to look at her, she stares blankly at the altar, tears casually sliding down her cheeks as if she was used to the stinging feeling in her eyes and on her cheeks.

"Hey," I say, placing my hands on her shoulders to turn her to look at me, "He did what he had to." I say.

She shakes her head and takes a shaky breath. "He should have told me." She says, looking up at me with her glossy eyes.

"He didn't want you to worry-"

"So he thought it would be better to just suffer alone and die?" She asks, her voice raising a bit.

"I didn't mean it like that and I'm sure he didn't mean it like that either. You meant everything to him and I'm sure you still do."

"I could have helped him." She says quietly.

"Yusoi," I say, causing her to look up at me, "He couldn't be saved."

She shuffles towards me, closing the small space between us by wrapping her arms around my waist and nestling her face into my neck. I hug her back, gently patting her head.

"What would I do without you?" She asks, her voice slightly muffled.

I chuckle and sigh happily, no longer patting her head as I rest mine on hers, "I'm not sure, but I can't imagine being without you either."