28th September 2021- letters to my ex

The aftermath.

After school I didn't walk to your house like I normally did. I walked through the streets reminiscing the times you'd walk with me. I came across the corner where we had our first kiss. I smiled. It was so awkward and funny. I missed being awkward with you. I remembered all the times you'd run with me just in time for me to catch my train. I walked past the place you'd kiss me goodbye every single day. But today you didn't. Today you weren't there. I eventually got home walked in and calmly took my shoes off. I walked upstairs and threw myself onto my bed. I cradled the teddy you had got me. It smelt of you. We'd joke about how we were it's parents and we would never leave it and now you did. You left us both. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I physically couldn't. My mind was coming up with reasons for your feelings changing. Was it me? Was it my body? Was i not good enough for you? I did everything I could for you and you still left. Just as easily as you came into my life, you left. My heart ached for your touch. I wept. You said we would stay friends and that you would check up on me. Fuck you for giving me hope. The next few days I was in indescribable pain. I saw you every lesson but you didn't see me. You wouldn't look at me until I ran out of lesson with my hands covering my face and mascara streaming down my face. You once stopped me as I left lesson. Your small voice reached out 'why did you leave?' I missed your voice so much. It made me feel safe. You made me feel safe. I simply replied 'I was crying.' And walked away. I didn't need to lie to him or pretend I was fine. I wasn't and everyone knew it. People would say 'what happened I thought you guys were crazy about each other' I thought we were too. I always question whether you ever loved me. I knew I loved you. I loved you with every ounce of my being. I loved all of you. Your beautiful brown eyes, every single freckle sprayed across your body, your lips, your smile. I embraced every single insecurity you had and accepted all your flaws. I just wanted that for myself. Was I asking for too much?
You texted me again,  'are you ok' I needed some sort of communication. I held onto the last slither of hope I had for us. We had a conversation. My heart ached but my stomach filled with butterflies. My body was warning me. I should've listened.
As our conversation progressed you found out I had told people we broke up because you lost feelings for me. You didn't like that. You didn't like the fact that people thought you were the one to blame. Even though I told you that you shouldn't blame yourself. You began snapping back at me. Telling me to explain myself. I stood my ground, telling you I didn't need to answer to you anymore because we aren't together. You replied 'why are you even texting me if you don't need to talk to me?' I saw that message and the slither of hope I had left was crushed. I left the message and turned my phone off. I would later find out that you blocked me straight after.
I couldn't bear to leave what we had on a bad note. I wanted to be mature. I texted you again then later unsent my message. You texted me saying you'd seen my message but didn't know how to leave this on a good note. I reassured you and comforted you yet again when I was the one who needed your comfort and reassurance. I said I didn't blame you and there was no hard feelings. We said our goodbyes and I exhaled. It finally hit me. I thought you left for good but you hadn't. My phone buzzed. A message from you. I grabbed my phone and opened it up. 'Why does it hurt so much?' This made me break once again. I replied 'we were so used to each other. It's only natural'.  I knew I would miss you. I do miss you. You ended up unblocking me but you didn't talk to me you'd view my story but never reply. You always replied. You'd call me every compliment you could think of. Now I had no one. No one important. I was lonely.