𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐓, tubbo

001: sleep (or lack thereof)

I yawn. I might not need sleep, but Tubbo's yawns are just as contiguous to me now as they would have been if I was still alive. Guess some things just don't change, even if you're dead. I have yet to learn all the unspoken rules of being a ghost, but being around alive people helps. It wasn't until Ranboo came along that I realized I quite enjoyed having Tubbo all to myself. Then I immediately hated myself for even thinking that. I do not own him, that would be ridiculous. I can not claim him as mine as he doesn't even know I exist, even more so because even if he did, he would probably try the get rid of the ghost haunting his house, which might just be my worst nightmare. If I was still been able to dream, that is.

I will myself out of the rabbit hole inside of my own mind and focus on the light breaths travelling in and out of Tubbo's lungs as he tries to fall asleep. He's been turning and tossing in bed for quite a while now, and normally I would blame my own presence for that but I discovered a while ago that I don't have anything to do with the quality of people's sleep. They sleep just as fine when I am watching them as when I am not. I like to think that I am guarding him as he sleeps. From monsters, poltergeists and other demonic things, even though I have never encountered anything like that. I am actually not even sure they exist, but I do, so why would not they? But Tubbo seems restless tonight and I gloomily watch him make his way over to the kitchen and brew himself a cup of coffee.

Next, he will go to his computer and play something, work on a big project, chat with friends in other time zones, or maybe even stream. I know because he has done this many times before, and it makes me just as sad each time. He should give in to his tiredness, not fight it. It is like sleep is his one constant enemy that only coffee and the artificial light from his computer can keep away. He needs his sleep, and it's evident that he does not get enough from the bags under his eyes, the hyper-energy he gets from drinking coffee during the day because of exhaustion, the way he seems to be allergic to the sun, and how he is seemingly crestfallen and drawn back when he has not had his caffeine.

Ranboo has noticed it too and I can see he worries just as much as I do, but unlike me, he has the means to do something about it. And he has tried, but there are just some nights, actually quite more than just a few, when sleep is like poison to Tubbo's mind and he forces himself to stay awake. Neither I nor Ranboo can stop him from doing that, though we have both tried. I went out of my way to use my ghostly abilities but either they simply do not exist, or they were not strong enough to help him nor could they stop him.

But I do get him, I promise I do. Back when I was still alive, my bedroom usually made me sick to the stomach at night, and only at night. I would be so scared of vomiting that I kept myself awake with comfort music, water, short visits to the bathroom and other things to keep me occupied, to keep my mind off of sleep. To escape the horrible feeling in my stomach that felt like a big clump of cold, hard metal. The trigger that convinced me to stay awake was almost always beginning to sweat since it is such a big warning from the body that you might vomit.

Tonight I watch Tubbo as he mindlessly scrolls through his phone for an hour before going over to his desk and to play Minecraft, hiding himself and his screen under a large, yet thin, blanket so that he will not wake up Ranboo. My heart melts a bit at his thoughtfulness before I realize he most likely will not get enough oxygen under there and I panic. Not for the first time, I wish I was like those ghosts in the movies, able to influence physical objects and move stuff, but I am not. I desperately try to figure out a way to help him, but I realize that he can probably take care of himself, feel when the dizziness and shortness of breath are too much and remove the blanket. I float up to the ceiling to get an aerial view before sinking back down to carefully join him under the blanket. There is not much space under there so our faces are almost touching as I let my eyes wander between his face and the screen. Maybe they are touching. I would actually not know since I have no physical body and I can only not move through things when I am concentrating on them. Like when I touched his arm for the first time. I just really put my mind to it, but then he drew back as soon as he felt the faint pressure and coolness of my hand and now I don't touch him unless he is asleep. Barely even then.

I touch Ranboo a lot though. I love to mess with him. I try to scream and whisper outside in the garden and blow cold air at him every now and then. He has almost fully convinced himself that he is just imagining things, and he tells Tubbo that the haunted thing is just a bit, but I see the flash of something that almost looks like fear behind his eyes whenever I do one of these things. I feel kind of bad about it, but I have nothing else to do, so Ranboo will have to take the fall for me.

The only thing is that he leaves tomorrow. Tubbo and I know this. Ranboo knows it too. He's leaving and he is not coming back to live here again, that is the plan. I have seen how happy Tubbo has been during the months that Ranboo has been here, and that is why it is so devastating to see him leave and the impact it has on Tubbo. Not that it matters that much. They will talk just as much as they do now, they just won't be able to see each other once Ranboo goes back to America. It has been a great five months though, and I will kind of miss him. But I always have Tubbo. And I am planning to be a menace. An absolute abomination of a roommate. I will try actually haunting him except not being able to. Maybe I will succeed in time. Or I will fail over, and over, and over again as I watch Tubbo grow up and move out, hopefully following him to his adult life, away from here. Or maybe I just stay here. Find someone else to bother. But I want to bother him. It's almost like I need it.

And I will, for as long as this cruel world will allow me to.

AUTHORS NOTE !
it feels like ages ago i wrote this chapter, but it probably hasn't been that long. i didn't want to post it because i have other books that i prioritised finishing first, but that gets boring easily so here you go!! also, as this is a bit of an introduction chapter, it is kind of boring and there's not a lot that happens, sorry, but i hope you enjoyed anyhow!! mwah <33