•EREHISU [ Warriors AU ]•

Chapter 3: Meeting my demon

« On the top of your hell we share a smile.
And I wonder if, in your nightmare,
I found my Paradise. »

~*~

As everyone rejoiced, eating and drinking wine and champagne, Historia stayed away from the celebration, in a small corner of the room.
The newly appointed warrior couldn't stop thinking about her transformation. She planned it for years. She was now at a stone's throw from her goal. Was it because of that sudden proximity that she felt so feverish ?

- Historia, congratulations, said Reiner as he was coming towards her.

- Thank you, Reiner.

Surprisingly, Historia didn't hate Reiner despite his active role in her kidnapping. For the simple reason that he already hated himself. Contrary to the others, the young man knew the weight of its crimes. It was rare in this hostile land. And it was enough for Historia.
She remembered his hair-ripping the day he transformed. She remembered how he was almost crying each time he saw her walking in the ghetto alone at their return. Historia knew he was still a child when he got used by Marley. His life was actually ruined before Historia's one, made into a criminal's one.
For all those reasons, it was the person Historia felt the closest too on this whole continent.

- Things will change for you from now.

- I know, said Historia firmly. It's the point of being a warrior, isn't it ?

She was not looking at him.

- Will you be able to do it ? Asked Reiner. Will you be able to slaughter your childhood's people ?

- That life...is far away from me now, she explained as she was sliding a layer of hair behind her hear. It seems like a very, very long dream. You worry too much, Braun. Besides...it's not like if I have a choice, is it ?

- I...I wished you'd have it.
I am sorry, Historia.

Historia smiled. A real smile. Full of affection and sadness. Reiner's words were the first apologies she received today in this ocean of congratulations. She was grateful to him for that.
As she was seeing his tortured expression, and feeling her own lips grinning, Historia realized that this feverish impression of hers was not due to the excitation of applying her plan.

It was fear.

She didn't want to have all this weight on her shoulders. She wanted to be happy, to live a normal life, to have power over it. She didn't want to die prematurely. She felt disgusted at the idea of breading like a cow in order to have as much royal children as possible, like the militaries suggested it during reunions for months.
She would disobey to some orders, sure, but she would also have to wait a long time before being able to use the Founding's capacities at their full potential. Would she already be livestock when that would happen ? Would she already be totally dead inside ? Would any rebellion be useless after her being's annihilation ?
   A shiver went through Historia's spine.
She realized, that she would die in 13 years.
She realized, that she would become a woman she never wanted to be. A woman she never dreamed of when she was a little girl.
She realized that even with her revenge succeeding, they would still be her puppeteers.
Tomorrow or yesterday, shifter or powerless, it didn't make any difference: they were burying her slowly and she could do nothing to stop them.

- Reiner, give me a cigarette. Now, she ordered brutally.

She wanted the smoke to fill her lungs so that she could have an excuse for her irregular breathing. She wanted the tobacco to suffocate her, just to convince herself her fear wasn't responsible for it.