Talentless Karma

Talentless

You know sometimes imagine myself in different animes or senarios where i'm the best and nobody could ever defeat me but the most recent one was just a few minutes ago where i made up this power that whatever talent somebody had, i had it but 10x better. And yes i can see how you would think i'm a complete asshole for that but it's a reality where i would be the greatest.

I never wanted to be the main character i just wanted to be the best. I've always wanted to be good at things to be talented and people would envy me. I know it's toxic but i can't help but want to desperately live in a reality where i'm better.

And yes i do think sometimes i'm insane or self centered but i think about the reason i think like this. Then i realized that i'm really not good at anything.

I wish i was but i can't pick up a talent without it being horrid. My mom always tells me that these things look good but i know it'll never be the way i want it to be.

I know you're probably telling me "oh you just have to keep at it". There are so many ways i could tell you why i can't do that. My confidence will be ruined if i did. I'm so easily torn down it's embarrassing.

I just want to be good at something. I want to be smart. I want to be pretty. I want to be talented. But i'm really none of those things.

I try to be and pretend to be but i do know the truth i'm not stupid. I cant even read without stuttering. Today when i was making a poster for my history class i was trying to draw a vine of grapes. I look over to my friend and i see the prettiest drawing i've ever seen. I looked to mine and i broke down inside. I gave up.

Do you know how embarrassing it is to be asked what you're good at you and can't say anything except "Typing". People laugh at this insecurity of mine. People tell me "Amelia stop being so jealous."
I can't. I wish i could but this is the way im wired.

How could i not be jealous when i've never been good at anything in my entire life.

If people try to convince me that i'd be good at anything then i would immediately know that they're only saying that to make me feel better. Hell the only thing im really good at is being mean. But that's not a talent. That's a cruel trait.

And i know Envy and Jealousy is wrong but how could i not. I crave validation and praise for the things i do. But i know that i am talentless. That's the worst thing a person can be.. Talentless. And i am the definition of it.

Maybe just maybe if i was good at something. If i had a gift a natural born talent. I would start to like the people around me. Maybe if God and his mysterious ways would explain to me why he wired me to be so useless i would figure out what my purpose is.