Rebellious Scapegoat

HYPERSENSITIVE

"Sensitivity does not equal Fragility".

The family scapegoat has a hard road to hoe and it rarely gets easier. There are 2 things you're dealing with: first is their beliefs: their belief is that you're a problem, so they continue to see you in that way. Second is your own view of yourself. if you are always trying to win their approval, you won't ever get it.

Families are funny – they don't let us change our roles very often. the best thing to do is to be the best you can do. Over time, either they'll come around (which isn't common) or their opinion won't matter so much, which is much more likely.

What, if anything, is the difference between the scapegoat and the rebel? Based on my own experience, is it heard of for a child to behave in the manner of one role yet be treated in the manner of another, and/or for a sibling to be a mix of more than one role? I feel like I behaved as the lost child does and my intentions were that of the lost child but was treated as the scapegoat. I played the role of the lost child in that I was well-behaved to a fault, quiet, studious, tried (though with little success) to be the peacemaker, etc.

However, I was *treated* like the scapegoat. I was blamed for things I hadn't done, told I was rebellious and bad despite not setting a foot out of line right down the the point that I did not even get natural, healthy teenage rebellion out of my system. I was called "rude and uncooperative" despite being super polite and super cooperative, wasn't allowed to go out because my mom thought I'd go and do bad things despite never showing any sign of inclination towards acting out. I even recall a time when I was 14 that I asked my mom how glad she was that I was not an "angry rude and rebellious" teenager (a description stated in a school textbook I had) and that I was so well-behaved. Her response was, "you are a bit rebellious." Perplexed and hurt, I asked her why. She responded with saying how rude and uncooperative I was. I don't know, maybe I didn't get the memo that being polite means you're rude or being cooperative indicates that you're uncooperative, or going out of your way to do things for other people is selfish (if that doesn't make sense, that's the point! I'm sure one can imagine how confused it made me). After this interaction, I tried to remedy it by becoming more well-behaved and trying to figure out what I could do to make things even easier for the rest of my family-people pleaser to a fault- but it was never good enough. I retreated further into my shell of the lost child, afraid to speak because I knew I was worthless and inherently bad. This shyness was of course twisted around and used against me, too.

It is also possible that what you see as taking on the role of lost child, was perceived by your parents as being rebellious, stand-offish, or just plain rude. depending on the family's values, the child's behavior is interpreted. and always remember, these roles are common and strong in families where emotional unavailability or dysfunction are present in the parents, so often there's no making sense out of what happened. If you could make sense out of it, it wouldn't have happened.

GOOD LUCK!