Before and After You

Chapter 2: A Wrinkle in Time

"Dad?" he hears Clara call him from the counter where she is seated. He flips the last pancake onto the plate before turning off the stove. He places the plate before Clara, who refuses to eat until her brother is done changing.

"Yes, sweetheart?" he says while placing a stack of pancakes on her plate, quickly topped with whipped cream and sliced peaches. She inherited Sam's taste buds and pickiness for food, and every time little Miss Clara points out something wrong with her pancakes or the absence of sliced fruit, he feels as though it is Sam who is sitting in front of him. It didn't help either that she looks exactly like her.

She sets aside her sketchbook and pencils before looking him in the eye, her face the epitome of seriousness. It almost had him chuckling. What could bother a nine-year old that much?

"Dad, what's love?" she asks nonchalantly.

The question surprised Eric and for several seconds he didn't have a response. Isn't it too soon to be asking about love? he thinks to himself. He sighs. Sam is the better explainer.

"Dad?"

"Well," he clears his throat, "it's a feeling of wanting to cherish someone." He should've known that the questions won't end there.

"How do you know if you love someone?"

He leans on the countertop. "If you don't want to see them hurt."

"Dad, did you love mom?"

He is taken aback by the question. Their kids are growing up and they're becoming more conscious of their environment. This is a day Eric has been dreading. When he and Sam decided to break things off, Clara was seven and Charlie was 5. They didn't understand why all of a sudden daddy no longer hugged and kissed mommy, or why he had to move to a different house and they had to stay with him from Thursday afternoon until Sunday. But they didn't really ask a lot of questions. Now, Clara is asking him if he ever loved Sam. There is an easy answer: of course, he does, he never stopped loving her. But things aren't as simple as saying I love you or I miss you. If they were, he would've said those words to her on the countless times they've awkwardly met for the sake of the kids.

Lucky for him, his phone rang and Charlie's steps thundered from the staircase, giving him a reason to excuse himself and evade Clara's question.

"No, it's fine. Fax them over so I could go over them," Eric says on the speaker of his phone before dropping the call. Sighing, he slumps on the couch and places his foot on the coffee table across from him, something that Sam would have admonished him for.

Kape ba 'yang paa mo? She would always tell him. A small, bitter smile crosses his face. Sam. She is everywhere he is and in everything he does. Every little thing reminds him of over. How, then, is he supposed to move forward when his heart refuses to leave her behind? He does not have an answer.

His eyes fall on the bookshelf pushed against the wall opposite him. Grunting, he stands up and walks to the shelf where he pulls out a copy of Pride and Prejudice. He gingerly runs his finger on the edges of the cover and opens it only to be met by a wave of nostalgia.

To Sam,

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Love, Eric

He traces the inscription on the blank page. He remembers how hard he tried to at least make it legible. He accidentally drenched her first copy with his coffee. She tried to reassure him that it was okay, it was an accident but he saw how sad it truly made her. He knew that something sentimental isn't easily replaced but he had to do something. He ended up calling every Barnes and Noble store whose numbers he could get his hands on until he was able to procure a Collector's Edition and had it shipped to the country. When he gave it to Sam, his heart fluttered. He made her smile, the one where the light radiated from her eyes and the tiny dimple just below her lips became more pronounced.