Here Comes the Rain Again [JunZhe]

2. Belated Regrets

Two years, Gong Jun glances at the umbrella keychain on the nightstand, it's been two years.

It's supposed to be their fifth year anniversary today, and Gong Jun hasn't been focused ever since he visited the bakery this morning- or well, what's left of it. It's now an electronics shop and it looks nothing like how it was before. Gong Jun had tried his best to close his eyes and visualize the baby blue walls that he and Zhehan painted together once, but even those images of Zhehan's bright smile and paint-splashed clothes are starting to fade away from his own mind.

They had nothing when they first arrived to this strange country, or no one- but each other. Zhehan learnt Swedish on his own, they rented the place for a low cost at its worst conditions and cleaned it by themselves, painted the walls and polished the floors, thrifted the tables and chairs then borrowed the ovens; they didn't start big but eventually thrived. It was their dream, mostly Gong Jun's, but Zhehan helped in each step of the way.

It's both amazing and saddening, how fast things change.

"Baby?"

Gong Jun is pulled up from his sea of thoughts- Oh, he's caught thinking of Zhehan once again. He looks down at his boyfriend, Eric, he's resting his head on his lap while playing with Gong Jun's necklace. "Yes?"

"Why do you always wear these two rings around your neck?" Eric asks and Gong Jun hates this question.

Gong Jun hates this question because every time he's asked about the rings, he's reminded of his time after Zhehan, his life without Zhehan. He's reminded of the sleepless drunken nights, the hungover mornings, and the tearless sobbing after his eyes dried out. He was still mourning. He was mourning his loss of Zhehan though Zhehan is still alive and well- and happy. He was mourning himself, for still feeling dead and empty even after having a new 'love', a new house, a new life.

And despite the agonizing memories that the rings bring back, he still couldn't let them go. He has both rings in a chain which he never takes off. He'd tried once- to leave them on the nightstand and go to work, but he couldn't last a day without the familiar weight around his neck, and when he got his lunch break, he hurried back home so he could wear them again.

Zhehan will always haunt him like a nightmare rather than a beautiful dream. Even when he feels happiest, the sneaky memories of Zhehan will wash away his smile. Gong Jun wants to be happy, badly, especially that Zhehan is happy. He wants to be happy for him, but it turns out he isn't that selfless.

"Junjun?"

Gong Jun sighs, he's still thinking of Zhehan. It's beyond his control. "Yes?"

"You never tell me anything." Eric sits up, concerned, "Why don't you share with me?"

"You wouldn't want to know." Gong Jun says.

Eric climbs on Gong Jun's lap and gazes at him, serious. "Do you really think I don't know?" Eric twirls Gong Jun's rings in his hand and presses his forehead against his, closing his eyes. "You'll never forget him, I know. But... I just want you to be happy, will you at least try?"

"I'm happy." Gong Jun lies.

"Shh, stop." Eric kisses Gong Jun softly and rests down on his chest, making it known that he can see through his little lie. "Just try to be, for me, but mostly for you."

"Ric..." Gong Jun feels a knot in his throat.

Eric smiles, "and if your happiness isn't with me, I'll gladly let you go."

"No! Don't let me go!" Gong Jun panics and hugs him tight, he's a bit small in his arms, much smaller than Zhehan- Fuck, he's thinking of Zhehan again. Gong Jun tucks Eric's head in the nape of his neck and sighs, "you're the first person I trusted after- after... Him. I can't handle another loss, Ric..."