Everything I Needed to Hear

Chapter 3: Blue

Something I've learned the hard way growing up is that not everyone's gonna be there for you. Not everyone's gonna adore you the same way, or put the same amount of effort that you do for them. You should know that just because you love the person, it doesn't mean that they should love you back too, or that they would love you the same amount. Not everyone is as "solid" as you think.

Sometime ago, I had celebrated my 16th birthday. I wore a beautiful, blue dress and had my hair dyed in blue as well. In the evening, I went out for a delicious seafood dinner with my family.

The night prior, a childhood friend of mine came over and offered to bake a cake for me the following morning. We entered my birthday having a photoshoot in my bedroom at 2am wearing faux-fur jackets to feel classy and rich. Core memory.

An hour & a half later after dinner, I found myself pondering on my friend's bed (we'll call her Lori) in her home.

I was just scrolling through my social medias when a thought occurred in my head. Throughout the day, I noticed I was feeling joy in my heart and contentment all around. On the contrary though, as the day was coming to an end and midnight was approaching, my mood plummeted down and even I couldn't tell myself why.

I had tried to rack my brain in search of the reason why I was feeling so down. It honestly felt like I was being ungrateful, because I had everything truly valuable in my life already.

Alas, like an arrow just pierced through my body, the actual reason why I was feeling sorrowful came to me. My brain finally being able to dot all the pieces together, I saw the picture it was trying to create.

At first thought, I didn't feel like telling anyone; I kept thinking that anyone would find that reason ridiculous and just childish.

My heart felt swollen but shallow, and slowly, I was finding it difficult to breathe. My mind is overwhelming itself. I tried to hold in my pathetic whimpers, but miserably failed in the process. My hand immediately went up to cover my mouth to not let anyone know about how I was feeling inside.

As dramatic as it may sound, there was a harsh truth pill that I had to swallow that night.

I've always known that friends will come and go, and you will often be in your company. I felt pieces of my heart cracking because I really thought I was that unimportant.

I felt miserable because it felt like my friends had forgotten about my birthday.

Now, I know you may be thinking, "Leia, that's so shallow of you," but hear me out.

When the birthdays of my friends come around, I make sure to let them know just how much they truly mean to me and how much they make me happy. They don't know how grateful I am that I have met them. They probably have no clue but each of the people I meet, I know for sure I have learned at least a single life lesson from.

That's why I feel obligated to write lengthy paragraphs for them that I would need to send at exactly midnight or even take them out for a meal sometime. I wanna show them how grateful I am for all their patience and support with me.

The saying is true, however. To be kind without expecting anything in return is better. The moment you expect, you're not being kind. You're just being selfish.

Lori took a quick glance at me from the podcast she was listening to on her laptop. She got up from her desk, engulfing me in a hug, "Hey, you okay? What's up?" she asked. Even in the dim lighting in her bedroom, I can clearly see concern lacing her facial features.

I couldn't bring myself to answer her though. I was just so sad. Her mom sensed something was wrong when she heard my whimper, asking if anyone was crying. I had to lie to her and say I was watching some cute cat videos, and a cat got hurt. Nope, not proud of that.

A couple days after the incident, I was talking to a guy friend of mine. We're gonna call him angel, because that's literally what I think of him as. What he said stayed in some part of my mind ever since.

"It's okay that you're disappointed, I can understand. I mean, your expectations were high for your friends. But don't forget you've got so many people who greeted you on that day-- people who actually REMEMBERED. People who actually put in the effort to text you even just a simple birthday greeting."

"I can see that you rely your happiness on others, on what they do, on what they tell you. You're emotional when they're sad. Similarly, you're ecstatic when they are. Right? I can conclude your happiness depends on them. That's your standard of being happy."

"Seeing as how certain situations STILL bother you months or years after it had happened, I can also feel that you hold quite the grudge. You don't let go of how they made you feel that easily, and what words had been exchanged and their actions towards you. With that being said, I want you to know that in order to get the peace and true happiness you want in your life, you have to find a way to not let what they did affect you."

"A confrontation, or proper conversation with them where you and the parties involved would really help I suggest, but since you like to keep your feelings intact then I guess what I can say for advice is just don't hold it against them, because they don't know what you truly feel inside, and since you don't have conversations with them, how can they properly make it up to you?"

It took me awhile to absorb all the information I just received from Angel, but when I had come to my senses, I realized he was right. How he can be as observant as that and maintain being friendly and stern at the same time is beyond me. Regardless, his advice (or lecture) would end up being in the life tips: survival guide book little me created in my mind for me to carry on for the rest of my days, and I hope it's helping someone out there too.

All my life, I had always been wondering if I was ever enough, or if I was too much to handle and that's why people leave. I'm left wondering if I should have or shouldn't have said a specific thing to them in a conversation or whatever else it may be. Enabling constant negative energy to enter my head, hindered the rational part of my brain and made me toxic in a way that it was a habit for me to say, "It's okay, I'm fine. You may leave," whenever I was in an argument with someone or if someone was mad at me. Every time a conflict would arise, somewhere in the back of my brain, I would be scared that person would just get up and leave me and not want to try and fix the problem we have. I've become accustomed to thinking that, that I didn't even realize that I was also hurting the people who actually genuine want to be there for me. In a messed up way, I tried to get myself to be okay being alone.

I became a martyr for myself, having hidden scars up my sleeves, and dark jokes in the corners of my mind. I was a fine teenager with a messed up dark humor.

I constantly thought that no one would stay long with me anyway so why not get used to my own company, right? Well, younger me, you were half-right and half-wrong. You're right that not everyone will stay, but wrong in the sense that you're blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as a lowly company, and that's why you think that ultimately, people should be feeling miserable even breathing the same air as you do.

Little by little, even to this day, I'm picking myself up. I'm picking up the broken pieces of my heart and soul and piecing them into a perfectly imperfect mess. With writing, I'm going to face the trauma and face my deepest, darkest fears and I can only hope it inspires others that it's fine to act and be strong, but it's always helpful to keep in mind that you have a support system, whether you realize it or not. :)