was it enough?

I want to believe in us, I really do, and I want this to last, 

But sometimes I have doubts, and those doubts are things that I really hate having to face, as they seem to only bring discontent and worry to me. 

I wake up to see your face on my screen, and there is a hope in my heart that makes me believe that things will be alright, that everything will be okay, and that I need to work for the future that I want both of us to see, but I can't stop thinking about it failing. 

About the happiness that I bring to you, the joy that I see in your eyes, the warmth that I feel that I'm giving to you, I keep thinking it will end because of me. 

Due to majority of these days I have ended up alone, finding you was something that I didn't expect, and at the same time something that I will cherish for a long time. 

But these thoughts do keep me up at night, 

Keep me up thinking about whether or not I will be good enough to be with you, about whether you will simply try to replace me with someone who is far more capable that I am, and that there will be nothing left of me, but a hollow memory, something that many people claim will always happen. 

This childish, naïve hope that I have in my head stems from believing that there will be the right person, and I believe I have found that person. I want to believe in that, and I really do pray that there is someone there whom I am able to find peace and solace and hope with. I truly want that to happen. 

Not only with that, but also the future that is presented before me. If I were to have kids, to what end would my riches, my eventual wealth, what will they have of it? What shall they do with it, and if so, what shall my grandchildren do with it once they're parents are gone? How are they able to navigate the world when I won't be around long enough to see my grand or even great grandchildren blossom into great men and women? 

However, onto the main focus, was it enough?

Was it enough that I have gone through a lot now, and will go through even more later in this life before I reach the end and have all of my goals reached, but will always have to bear the torment in my mind? Was it enough to be there for friends and family other people would otherwise cast down and cast away? 

Was it enough that I have to hear my friends say that they expect to die very soon, and I have no way of changing their mind around it in certain moments of them thinking it? Was it enough that what I truly want in this life is so far from being reached at this present moment, when otherwise I would run headfirst into it, and do my best to maintain it? 

Was it enough that I see the world very differently now, and I see through a lot of the veil, a lot of the hurt and torment, but I can't do much to change it right now...

Was I enough, to have met someone new, and yet still have doubts based on the past that I have feared; was I enough to have a life given to me at random, and have a golden ticket basically, and now I want to provide the very best for the children I have, but am afraid of the failures that may occur?

I'm unsure really...and it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. Nevertheless, while these questions and sometimes even more pervade my mind, I truly believe that in the end, all of the pain and struggle will be worth it, all of the hurt and such, everything will be built up into something even greater in the end. 

Was it enough? My pain and my progress and journey? 

I don't know, but I'll have to wait and see.