I hate you.
I hate that I can't hate you even after all that happened.
I hate that I can't have as much fun as I used to anymore. And I hate that I'm blaming you even though it isn't your fault.
Everytime something or someone reminds me of you, my parade gets rained down on.
Is this really the cost of falling in love with you? Having to go through so much rejection and eventually being looked down on like dirt?
I've shared countless of memories with you.
Good times, bad times, frustrating times, and times when we didn't really understand each other, and things had to go south.
I cherished all of those. Because I knew it would make me a better person the next day.
But you said I wasn't getting any better.
Why did it take you leaving me for me to start changing?
Why couldn't I do this when you were still around?
Did you see this happening?
How much of this was planned? and how much was this a coincidence?
.
.
.
I've started standing up for myself more.
But I've also built a wall around me to protect me from people. I've lost the ability to trust people.
I would show a mask that I hide behind on whenever I meet new people.
Because I don't want them to truly know me. I don't want them to understand me. I don't want anyone to judge me, and realize how much of a fucked up person I am.
I'm not a kind person.
I don't do anything for the other person's benefit anymore.
I only do things to benefit myself.
I can't trust anyone anymore.
And I'm left on my own devices.
.
.
.
I want to tell you that I've changed.
I want to tell you that even though those heartbreaks hurt me, nothing has hurt more when you guys casted me away without being able to explain myself.
It sucks to say it but it really pisses me off that you don't understand why I'm like this.
It irritates that you both are having fun while I'm here still affected.
Fate has been so unfair for me ever since.
Misfortune after misfortune ever since I was born.... Whether it'd be directed at me personally, or to people around me that affects me...
If this is how things will be until the end, then I wish to live in complete isolation.
.
.
.
Isn't it funny?
Whatever I wrote up there?
Misfortune? Isolation?
While they may not be true, that is how I feel.
And admitting and saying that's how I feel is pissing me off.
I hate to admit that you guys leaving me was a good idea, and that it'll make me change the way I look, act, and do things.
But I want to say that it didn't make me feel like I like the change I had exercised.
If you're gonna tell me that it's just because I didn't go down the right path, then so be it.
I had to do whatever it takes to protect me, my heart, my emotions, and my insecurities.
If I still tried to put a facade and told everyone that I'm fine, then what else would be left for me?
I'm sick and tired of fighting and pretending to be happy, when I'm not.
All of these romantic fanfictions I write are never enough to make me forget about everything.
You guys made so much of an impact to my life for me to forget things.
You both acted more of like a mother to me than my own.
I apologize to my mother for saying that.
All of these girls...
Moca, Aya, Saaya, Maya, Yukina, Sayo, hell even Shuuna.....
All these plots... these words.... these passages.... these confessions were all born from the chances I couldn't take on you.....
Writing these stories felt like I was in a secluded place away from it all....
But once I come back to reality, I feel empty again.
.
.
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It sucks that I can't go back to what I used to do because they remind me of you.
It sucks that I admit that I can't move on.
It sucks that I'm still in love with you despite saying all of these things and ranting for nearly 700 words already.
It sucks that I'm powerless and I didn't have the resolve to change for both your sake back then.
But I do have to thank you for making me realize where I was heading, and what I was lacking.
I may talk to you both as if nothing happened, but it really makes me sad deep down.
And I can't blame anyone else or anything else but my own incompetence.
It's frustrating that I couldn't realize everything sooner.
And weight of this regret is what's preventing me to move forward.
I want to move forward.
I want to get you out of my head.
But I want to keep my feelings for you.
You can take away everything but these.
As much as you told me many times over for years and years that you don't like me.
I know.
I know that very well already.
But I like you.
And it sucks.
