you made me this way| a novel

I AM THE DEAR ONE

i am the dear one
part one

For some silly seventeen year old, I had lived hundreds of lifetimes. My nerves were shot with trauma, my brain stemmed with illness. My eyes had made swimming pools, and my teeth rotted with secrets.

Perhaps I lived in a fantasy world too much, but at least I was stable enough to breathe my own air. That was enough.

Until it wasn't.

Now, you can blame it on being off of my medication. And you can blame me for that. But how is one to feel when you rely on a handful of pills to have a will to live?

Relying on a little green pill to be able to smile, genuinely. Trusting numerous capsules to be able to sleep, without reminders and with ease. It's humiliating. If other people can be good, why can't I just be alright?

The prescriptions worked, so I stopped taking them. If they could make me happy, I could do it myself.
My sickness tricked me. That damn liar.
In the end, I had stopped eating. I had started a routine of two showers a day– at least. Sleeping in pounds of dirty laundry because I couldn't leave the hole I dug.

It was horrible. But it felt so good. It was comfortable.

But then you came in, the boy prettier than the moon.

You looked beautiful. Your hair was like an autumn leaf, and the sky lived in your eyes. You looked unearthly. Like you had created the universe.
Immediately, I knew I'd become unbelievably fond of you. But I didn't know I was going to fall in love with you.

I didn't expect it, that's how it is with love. We had only been strangers. But somehow, even before I had known such a boy existed, I had already needed you. And If I could have chosen, we would've already been lovers.

Although I had found myself utterly in love with you so soon, I didn't once think about you loving me too. I didn't imagine you getting butterflies in your stomach when you thought of me. I didn't wonder if you compared my eyes to an ocean or forest. The thought of you even wanting me in your presence hadn't crossed my mind, your beauty had taken all the space left.

I couldn't see without you in frame, couldn't hear without your voice. I couldn't breathe without your air.

I didn't believe in love at first sight, or fate, or anything like that. But I had already believed in you.

—
i can wait around for you