Saturday, 11:52 AM
i've become severely depressed and self conscious. i've become anxious. same time, same feeling as last year sadly. a cycle. the same everything third year in a row. i didn't learn from last year. she's perfect, and that was the problem, because i wasn't. i'm not perfect. i'm so complicated and i'm so hurt and im so confused with myself. i've become so obsessed with the fact that everything is out to hurt me, that everyone is against me when it's not really like that. and i knew that, but i can't help it. i cant ignore the thoughts in my head and i cant ignore any of it. and that's when it became so much for her. that's when i fucked up. that's why my fears become reality, because i talk about it so much and think about it so much that it happens, because i can't stop worrying. i get scared and i know i do this every single time, but i don't know how to stop. i don't know how to get help. i don't know what's right. i don't know if she's right. we love each other, but are we the best? can we fix it? can we get past it? the fighting. the arguing. am i even in a place to be in a relationship? everything changed. everything. and all because people influence me. because i seek validation. because im so used to just obeying what others tell me. i fucked myself over November 2nd, tearing my ACL, and was so stupid within the next weeks to be running on it, tearing it in half, falling down the stairs tearing my meniscus, and i thought i was fine. i thought i would run and be myself. run and run because that's all im ever good at doing, and now i can't even do that. december 7th, that's when i found out i needed surgery, i couldn't be me anymore. that's when my heart broke the most. i couldn't run, i couldn't do weights, i couldn't kick a ball, i couldn't do anything. and i took it out on everyone. my friends, my girlfriend, my parents. i cant live without my leg, my dominant leg to make matters worse. i cant run and i cant do anything that makes me happy. i tried so hard to compensate. i tried getting into drawing, i tried art, i tried music, i tried singing, i tried other things but the more i tried the more tired i was. the more things piled up. the more depression kept hitting me. and i always had to keep it inside because worse things has happened to me. worse pain, worst experiences. an ACL tear shouldn't be a problem. my mother went through worse, my father went through worse, my girlfriend went through worse, i couldn't complain about my ACL. i couldn't complain about surgery. i couldn't complain because it was gonna get fixed. i kept it inside, i kept all those complaints hidden. it's actually the worst feeling i've ever had. it is the worst thing that has happened, because now im not me. especially after surgery, i got my surgery january 21st, it got worse. i cant even walk, i cant do anything. i cant bend my knee or extend it, and im already 7 weeks post op. i feel so behind, i feel behind on everything. im losing my muscle mass, im losing weight, im losing my grades, im losing my functionality, im losing myself and i wish i didnt feel like a burden, i wish i didn't feel like im ungrateful. i wanted to run with her, i wanted to love her and show off my strength, my stamina. show her how great of an athlete i was, show her that i was strong and i could protect her. i cant even do that, i cant even be there for her, i cant even protect her. i hate that. i hate that i can't run i hate that i have no function i hate everything. this hurts me so much and i can't say anything because "your mother went though a c section and you died in her" "your mother got in a car accident and almost got amputated" "your father went through war and killed people" "your father got in a car accident and went through surgery too" "your girlfriend went though open heart surgery, twice" "your girlfriend is permanently disabled" and everyone around me has been through worse but what if this was my worse? what if this affected me so badly. it has. i cant even have a conversation with people close to me without feeling useless, i feel empty. and i blame myself because now all i do is worry about who i am. worry about the past and the future. i worry about us. i worry that i go numb and im so selfish that i'll hurt myself. i worry that i've hurt her so much. i worried that she's not happy with me anymore. i don't think she is. abs that's the hardest part: accepting that. accepting that the person you want to be with the most doesn't want to be around you anymore. knowing that you're falling apart and wanting to try so hard because you know it was your fault and you know that everything around you is so shitty so you try and try. you get vulnerable and you get hurt and you let them hurt you and you let them break open your heart and watch them leave, and i chase and chase. i chase her. i chase even if im hurt. i chase even if i physically can't. i chase to show i care. i chase because i want to show that i can do what it takes. i chase to show that no matter what, i will fight for you. and im fucking crazy. i am, im crazy and i know that. i know im not like every other person. i just love her and i want her and i even feel like i need her, but is she right? are we better off alone? maybe :/ i want to try and try but maybe she is right. i hate that she might be right. i hate the thought of it. like someone said, "stop trying to make it what it was, just let it be what it is." i love her, but i really do need to work on myself, maybe i can fix it and work on myself at the same time. i want to try that. for starters, i want to identify things i need to fix for myself: self harm, jealousy, overthinking. hitting myself isn't going to be the solution. it's hurting me physically, and her emotionally. when i'm angry and feel like punching something, im going to write about it. im going to express them in my notes. secondly, being jealous helps no one, it's hurting the both of us, instead, relate it to a situation of my own. relate it to a friendship of mine. also remember that you have to trust. that's what a relationship is. trust her words and her reassurance because it's frustrating to her. understand her, and yes the situation seems rather odd, if she lies to you, that's on her. i know you don't want to get hurt, but there's risk to everything. thirdly, overthinking things are subjective feelings that i can't control, but remember that she is busy. she works, has an ap class, has a family. remember that she needs some alone time as well. try to remember that if she doesn't text you that it means she's busy, and just remind her that you love her. fix problems that help you and everyone around you. you're not a bad person. i'm not a bad person okay past/future me? we're gonna be okay. if things don't work out, don't stress so much on it. it's going to be okay. stay safe. i love you <3.
