Everything changes: a draminoe fanfic

Three

In the grand scheme of things I think we're all meaningless and forgettable. Now that might seem like a pessimistic view on life but I don't like to lie to myself.I believe that life is a beautifully tragic thing.

How we all live to die and how only some of us get to love along the way.I'm no Greek philosopher but I never quite understood how Aristotle had himself convinced that the end goal of life was happiness. Surely someone who's dying cant be happy and if they're not meeting that goal by the time their heart stops beating then what the fuck was the point?

People are meaningless. Point proven in my eyes.I get that we all have an impact and some people leave their marks on the world, some good and some bad. But I don't get why any of that matters in the long run when eventually we all stop breathing and people stop caring.

My mother says she'd care if I died, but I'm not convinced she cares about me at all. Maybe she does in her own way or maybe she's convinced herself that it's love but I think it's just obligation.

She had me so now she has to deal with me, but no where does it say that a mother has to love her child. I'm not too bothered though, at least I pretend I'm not because she may not love me enough to care but I care enough to love her and not want to hurt her. 

I remember coming home one day after being gone for 27 hours. My mother was crying and I thought it was because of me so I went and I hugged her. As I held my arms around her I noticed the broken necklace on the floor and realised her tears weren't for me, I also noticed the way her arms didn't bother to hug me back and instead continued to grasp her phone in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

I went to bed that night and cried over a mother who wouldn't cry over me.  My dads around sometimes.

Like when I turned 17 last month and he heard I got the death eaters mark. Suddenly he was father of the year with a letter that simply said "To Draco. From Dad," with the words happy birthday pre-written on the page. He asked me to go and buy him alcohol exactly 13 minutes later. He also asked me if I could use my birthday money which I did. And I haven't seen him since. He probably wouldn't care if I died either.

Another name on the list underneath my own. Now, I'm not saying that I want to kill myself because i'm not 100% sure that I do, but I'm not too sure that I don't either. Ending my life is yet another thing that I don't understand.

It's pretty self explanatory why I hate being at home but I'm only 17 so it's not like I have anywhere else to go. I found a place I like to spend my time, it may seem a little unconventional and kind of dumb but it's mine and I like having somewhere that doesn't feel suffocating. So I sit on the train surrounded by people yet I feel like I'm the only one here.

The vibrations of the moving carriage is the only thing reminding me where I am as I close my eyes and let myself get lost. I have no idea where i am and I don't care.  I think about everything when my eyes are open but when they're shut it all feels real. How temporary and replaceable I am, how painfully average I feel compared to everyone else who has something that makes them them, and how hopelessly lost I am, not just on this train but in life. When I was younger I liked to read books.

They let me go somewhere without having to leave my bedroom and I could see everything that I was reading like a mini movie in my head, I don't think that was normal but I loved it anyway. 

It wasn't until I got older and the characters stayed the same that I got tired of reading about people who fell in love with the kind of person I wasn't.  I can't picture myself falling in love and reading about people who got their perfect story, felt like a slap to the face and with every happy ending I read I felt more and more resentful.

That may seem a little dramatic, but I can't help my feelings, I just have a mind that prefers sitting on a crowded train full of strangers than at home with my mother, but I don't blame it.

I don't know how long I've let myself sit here this time and I don't even know where I am but I'm pulled from my thoughts when someone nudges my arm, hard enough to get my attention but gently enough that it won't leave a mark. I open my eyes and see that it's a guy who looks older than me but definitely isn't judging by the school uniform he's wearing.

"Get up," is all he says as he points at the sign which says all passengers need to get off because we're at the final stop. "Thanks," I reply with a small nod but no eye contact as I make my way onto the platform. By the time I realise where I am it's already 3pm and the sky has darkened like it's going to rain.

I just stand there and look around to try to take in my surroundings but all I can see is people passing by in different directions until everyone kind of blurs together and all I can see is colours. 

I close my eyes just like I did on the train and calm my breathing down. When I open them again the people are back to being people and I can breathe. 

I stick my hands in my pockets and frown when I feel a small piece of paper sitting inside. I pull it out and grow even more confused when I read what's written on the bright pink post it note.

"You should open your eyes once in a while, the world can be pretty great if you give it the chance to be :)"