Astra Griffin was trained, beaten, and forced to be the best version of herself - or most skilled. She was the best fighter the world would come to know, she was the best archer the world would know, she was the best shooter the world would know, sh...
( Astra's song to Amaya — The Light Behind Your Eyes, My Chemical Romance )
CHAPTER EIGHT ; " GUILT "
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ASTRA — ' foxy '
I LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, now hating that Amaya and I held such a resemblance. I deserved this.
That I knew. I knew there was not a single person in the world who could convince me that this was not my fault. No matter how many times my siblings told me it wasn't, I could see it on their faces, it was my fault. They knew it, too.
The avengers knew it, and still no one could just tell me that.
I wish it had really been me. I wish that I jumped in. I wish that I saved her. I wish I knew when to stop. I wish I knew I was going to win, but it was going to cost a life I couldn't — can't — afford losing.
A knock at the door made me jump. I didn't get to tell them to go away before Natasha Romanoff was entering my room. She held a frown on her face, taking in my clearly disheveled state.
"Your brother let me in," Natasha told me, her voice quiet, raspy. She was referring to Amaris, who was spending most of his time with Nyx. Both of them were constantly staring at me, watching me.
They had nightmares, but I couldn't help them. They were terrified of me. They refused to go home, though. That left Samson and Ashton to become the President and Vice President of Stathford, but I could barely think about all of that.
I could only think that none of them would look at me this way if I'd just saved her instead of believing that she would be okay without my help. Hestia wouldn't be saying that I already had so many people in the penthouse, which was ridiculous. She wouldn't be using any excuse to avoid me.
If I jumped in, Amaya would be standing in this Penthouse, and everyone would be here. I didn't know for sure where I would be, but there was a possibility I would be in this damned penthouse, too.
I couldn't even think about my parents loss, they got a funeral, too. One I couldn't bare to attend, but Amaya's I couldn't not attend. No matter how hard I fought to keep the tears in. No matter how bloody and red my bottom lip was from biting so hard on it. No matter how harshly I let my nails hit against the palm of my hands.
"Astra —"
"Don't," I cut her off, my voice shaky. It'd barely been an hour after Amaya's reception, and I knew exactly what she was going to say.
"Please don't," I repeated in a whisper, my eyes already starting to get watery. The knot in my throat, and the hold on my lungs grasped tighter. I couldn't breathe, I was suffocating.
"You can't blame yourself." She said quietly, sympathy — pity — written all over her features. "We all could've stepped in, it's not all on you, Amaya."
I shook my head, biting my lip again because I still couldn't speak with the tears threatening my already watery eyes. "I knew," my voice cracked, and for a second I broke.
I pulled myself together, quickly wiping away the few fallen tears. I wanted to cry again when Natasha looked as if she was going to lose it herself.
"I-" Natasha's voice was hoarse, and I could tell she was struggling with a sudden dryness in her throat, the type that comes when you want to cry. "I have a sister," she admitted.
"That's great. I have three," I paused, looking away as I realized my mistake. "I had three," I corrected weakly.
She swallowed her emotions, but she didn't hide them. Natasha didn't meet my eyes as she spoke again, ignoring me. "I don't know, maybe I don't anymore. I-you know I was an assassin, right?"
I nodded, I'd learned about the Avengers stories while they helped my siblings and I get everything we needed. Aside from the penthouse, my brothers let us have that.
"Well, she was — is — too. I don't even know if she's out there. I have no idea if she's dead, or alive." She seemed relieved to have someone to say this to, but I knew there was more to it. I listened to her, unsure of what to say.
"I want to look for her, but no one on the team even knows she exists. And I have no way of finding her. I know nothing," she looked angry, unsettled at this fact.
She glanced at me, "I just wanna know if I still have my little sister out there. And if I don't, I wanna be able to cry about it. If I do, I want to try and help her in anyway I can, I want to be there for her. I wanna be a sister. I just wanna know," she breathed, her eyes red with tears that wouldn't come.
"No one knows?" I whispered, surprised someone could hold a secret so close to them. To never tell a soul about the one person you truly love is difficult. "You don't know what happened?" I continued, I at least knew how that felt. The pain, wondering if the only person who can help me is even out there. I found Ashton, and my forgotten brother(Samson), but I never really realized what that pain was.
I didn't ever notice there was a pain. The two had been gone so long, it was normal to feel the familiar, heart-aching damage. And the seconds I've had the back I had to lose my little sister because I wasn't a good sister. I'm not a good sister.
"You know." She mumbled, "I just want you to know, I know what it feels like. To loose someone, a sister."
"I know. I-but," anger bubbled as I thought about it. "I wish people would scream at me, tell me it's all my fault instead of saying that they could've done more." My voice raised, I've never felt so angry and depressed all at once.
"It was my fault. I am responsible for my siblings. And I don't want anyone to sugar coat it." I wasn't sure I wanted people to outright tell me it was my fault. I was sure I deserved it, though. I just wanted people to stop telling me it wasn't my fault because it is my fault.
Natasha nodded, clearly unsure of what to say. The next thing she did, though, surprised me. She pulled me in for a hug. I completely shattered. I held onto her tightly, still careful to not hold on too tight, but tight enough I was sure she was begging for me to let go.
She shushed me, whispering things to me. They were comforting, not that they'd ever be true, but it was nice to know we could pretend it was.
I wasn't sure how long I pathetically sobbed in her arms, but I knew that I hoped I wouldn't have to face her again until I wasn't a mess. Hopefully then I'd have blocked out this horrid memory.
Still, that didn't all matter now. It was in the back of my mind, but I could barely even think about it because every time my eyes closed Amaya was there. She was far from alive, yet I could still hear her telling me it was my fault.
She wasn't wrong; that was the worst part.
I'm sorry. It's all my fault.
Vanessa Taylor -
That is the not so awesomely written end of the first part/book one-ish. It's short, it's more just for how it all really ended. Just so y'all didn't have to sit with Amaya and the monster parents deaths yk?
I know it sucks but we got the start of Natasha and Astra😀
trauma bonding how cute😍
Saturday, March 19, 2022, 4:06pm !
( this is a big accomplishment for me since I'm not good at finishing things(other than ur mom) pls be proud of me )
