The Chaos of a Broken Soul

Chapter Nine

Leonore jerked awake from a dream, well more like a nightmare and there was no way she was going back to sleep anytime soon. She eased herself out of Kathy's arms, putting on a robe around her naked body and went downstairs. Leonore poured herself a whiskey and went to sit outside, lighting a smoke. It was a clear night; she could see all the stars in the sky, and it was a full moon. Leonore loved the nights like this, it wasn't too hot or too cold and it was just right. Leonore shook her head at the description of the weather, what was she in an episode of goldilocks and the three bears? Well small things amuse small minds and unfortunately, she was alone, so there wasn't a smaller mind to look on. Oh well, we can't have everything, she thought to herself and sighed. Leonore stared at the pool and felt like a swim, getting up stripping her robe before diving in the water. She sighed deeply in contentment, she was a typical Piscean and was most at home in the water. Feeling at peace floating in the water.

"Leo, please come back to me." The professor said, reaching out to touch Leonore's face.

Leonore jumped at the touch and stared bewildered at the professor before remembering where she was. The professor removed her hand, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." Leonore said, feeling sad at the loss of the professor's hand.

"Where did you go?" The professor asked, interested in what took her attention.

"Nowhere important." Leonore answered, giving her a smile.

"I highly doubt it, you had a look of pure joy on your face, and it hurt to pull you from it. Also, a little envious as I knew you were thinking something really good." The professor said, sitting in the chair again.

"I always knew I was gay from a young age, but my mother pretty much had the same view as your family and husband. I was an abomination, and she tried her best to beat it out of me, so I hated myself for it and hid that side of myself. Having the reaction I did with you, hating you and wanting to hurt you. When really it was me, I hated and wanted to hurt. I lived in a constant war with myself because I knew there wasn't anything wrong with me. When I read the book, I got so angry at Stephen for bowing down to society and sacrificing her love. Then it hit me that I was just like Stephen, and I didn't want to be her anymore, so I decided to accept myself as I had already lost so much for someone who didn't love me enough to change their hate. Stephen was an idiot as she had real love and she threw it away. I don't want to throw away a chance at real love, my problem is that I am too good at being alone and it doesn't scare me as I have had to be alone. Which is a very dangerous thing, you become so self reliant that people become an inconvenience and emotions are a nuisance. However, I have felt real love recently, which in the beginning was forced and unpleasant, but with time it has healed some of my wounds. I know by denying my true self I would be losing so much as it is rather addictive once you start. If I was honest I would probably do exactly what Stephen did, so I have a long way to go before I kill the Stephen inside me and I find solace in the fact I am trying. The book made me feel less alone as I wasn't the only one who struggled with being gay and there was hope." Leonore answered, hoping it made sense and distracting her from her curiosity.

"I'm sorry..." The professor said, anger rising in her that she had to go through that.

"Don't be please, I don't want your pity and I have left that life behind me." Leonore replied, not wanting to hear her apology and see her look at her in pity.

"I don't pity you Leo, you are a very resilient person and I admire you." The professor answered, loving this girl more. "She must be something special to make you smile like that."

"No, I'm single. I do have a complicated relationship with someone, but we aren't dating. Do you have someone?" Leonore asked, curious if she was single.