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(๑❥๑) iii. crushed !
I NEVER really gauged the intensity of my feelings.
But one way to definitely know you're fucked, is when every love song you listen to begins to be about that one person.
Even more fucked, if it's 3 am and here you are smiling like an idiot underneath your covers as the lyrics continue blasting into your ears without tire.
I used to cringe at the way people described their crushes as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Like their world has suddenly regained colors other than the black and white they had grown accustomed to, where everything in life had seemed brighter than before. As if they were the gleam they had been missing all their lives.
And no, I wasn't at such stage yet (fortunately). But I knew that it'll only be soon until it happens. Feelings were difficult to maneuver, and more often than not, I found it driving my being instead of the other way around.
I had no control over my feelings. I had no control over the jealousy I felt.
Jangmi always was the subject of such conflicting emotions. She never did anything wrong, but whenever I saw her, I always felt a burning desire in me to bury my entire existence five feet under.
How is it so simple for her to get close to him? How does she make him smile so easily? To get him to talk without feeling an air of hesitance?
I wonder, why he never talks to me like how he does with others. I wonder why Sunghoon never seeks for my name on his tongue, or calls for my attention. I always wonder about these kinds of things.
Do I appear cold? Blunt? Unapproachable? Is he intimidated by me? Have I indirectly shown some sort of hostility towards him?
Haa. I hate feelings.
These kinds of emotions were confusing to me, I hated it. But in other times, it was the one that propelled me high into the sky, and it felt like surging amidst outer space whenever he returned my simple glances.
The small, pointless gestures made me happy, that maybe some tiny part in him cared enough to check up on my existence. That somehow, I had a part in that tiny bubble of his.
Though, I knew it would remain merely a fantasy.
"I wish I could shut Jangmi up sometimes," Chae utters over my shoulder. She could tell how much my gaze lingered as I watched Jangmi stupidly compare her hand with Sunghoon. "It's so obvious she likes him, yet she keeps doing all these sneaky gestures just to get closer to him!"
I shrugged, letting out a lone laugh. "I mean, yeah. But technically there's nothing wrong with making a move, it isn't like Sunghoon's .. taken, or likes someone."
Chae heaves a sigh, turning to loop an arm around my shoulder. "True, but it's taking way too long! I bet if she confessed, they would be a couple by now or whatever."
