Red in my Ledger

Chapter Nineteen

I woke up the next morning and went to find the others.
It was only about 7.30am, so most of them were still sleeping in.
Natasha, Steve and Clint were in the kitchen.
I didn't say a word as I joined them, and poured myself a glass of water.
They stopped their conversation and watched me as I went to sit at the table, placing the glass of water on front of me.
I didn't start drinking my water. Instead, I looked up at the other three that were smiling softly at me.
"Hey kid" Clint grinned. "We were just about to make breakfast. Any requests?"
I shook my head.
"We'll cook a bit of everything, then you can try what you want" Steve offered.
"Okay" I said.
The guys started to cook, and Natasha sat opposite me at the table.
I sipped my water, staring down into the glass to avoid eye contact. I wasn't sure if I was mad at Natasha anymore. I wanted to forgive her, but she made my life unbearable to a point that I wasn't sure I was able to. I know it wasn't completely her fault.
"You're deciding whether to forgive me?" Nat asked after a while.
I glanced at her apologetically, but I needed answers.
"Why didn't you come back?"
"Yelena told me about everything that Dreykov put you through. Because of me. I'm sorry y/n."
She didn't answer my question. I had a feeling she wasn't going to. Probably because she didn't have an excuse.
"Yelena doesn't even know half of it. She hardly ever spoke to me. She didn't like me, Natasha."
"That's not true."
"It is. She hated the idea that you might start to care for someone other than her. She thought she would be left behind. Then it only got worse after you left, because I was just that painful reminder. She blamed me. Which was hardly fair, because I didn't do a damn thing wrong" I could feel my eyes start to water. I blinked the tears away quickly before Natasha noticed.
I saw Clint and Steve out of the corner of my eye.
They had stopped cooking, and were now watching us.
I was going to get up and leave. I didn't want to be someone else's entertainment.
But at that moment, Bucky, Yelena, Bruce, Sam and Tony walked in the kitchen.
I simply slouched back in my chair as they came to sit around the table.
Bucky and Tony sat either side of me. Yelena sat next to Natasha.
I stared back down at my glass of water.
"So y/n, did you have a good night sleep?" Tony asked kindly.
"Yeah it was alright."
The bed was much comfier than those at the Red Room. But I wasn't use to it. So I spent half the night staring at the ceiling.
"Breakfast is served" Clint smiled, sliding some plates onto the table.
Everyone was given a plate, and they all started helping themselves.
They had cooked sausages, bacon, eggs, hash browns. There was toast and waffles and English muffins.
"Do you do this every morning?" I asked Tony.
"Pretty much. As long as there's someone willing to cook" he shrugged, biting into some bacon.
Next to me, Bucky had noticed that everyone had filled their plates except me.
He leaned close to my ear and whispered.
"Come on, you gotta eat" he said.
I sighed quietly and reached over the table to put some bacon on my plate.
I nibbled at the end of it for Bucky's benefit, then put it back on my plate and ignored it for the rest of the meal.
"So y/n, I was thinking" Tony said. "Now that you're back after all these years, we should celebrate."
———
"Isn't it your birthday?"
"Yes."
"Nice. Have you done anything to celebrate?"
"No."
"Would you like to?"
"What do you mean?"
"I could show you a good time."
"... no thank you."
"Come on. You should celebrate somehow."
"I-"
"No don't talk. I'll show you."
———
Rumlow 'celebrated' with me every time there was something to 'celebrate'.
On my 18th birthday, Dreykov 'celebrated' the same way.
"No" I quickly replied. "I don't want to do that."
"Oh" Tony frowned disappointedly.
I knew there was no way that's what Tony meant, but every single time I heard that word, it ended the same way.
No one else said anything.
"Excuse me" I quickly got up and left the room. I heard someone follow me. I stopped in the hallway, and saw it was Bucky.
I stood still and let him walk over and wrap his arms around me.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine."
"You don't seem fine."
I nodded slowly.
What did he expect me to say? He couldn't think I'd suddenly be completely fine with everything changing.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
"Do you remember agent Rumlow? He worked for Hydra."
Bucky sighed but didn't say anything.
"He was the one that..."
"Yeah I remember."
"He did the same thing every time something needed... celebrating."
"You know that's not what Stark meant."
"Yeah I know. I just couldn't help thinking about it."
"I'm sorry. I think Stark just wants one of his parties."
"Weiner, you really think we should be going to a party? We're assassins."
"We were. But we don't do that anymore. Right?"
"Okay but that doesn't mean we didn't kill a shit ton of people. We should theoretically be going to jail."
"I'm confused. Do you want to go to jail?"
"No. I just... I don't want to hurt anyone" I quickly glanced down at his bullet wound, then looked back up at him. He noticed.
"You don't need to worry y/n. You didn't mean to hurt me. And you're not going to hurt anyone else."
"I know."
"Why don't you come back in there?" he gestured towards the kitchen again. "Don't think I didn't notice that you barely ate."
"Okay" I smiled slightly. "I'll go back in. But I can't promise you I'm going to eat anything."
"You should try Steve's waffles. If he makes them the same way he made them in the 40s, they're amazing."
"Fine. I will have a bite of the waffle."
"You will finish the waffle."
"Half and half. I'll split it with you."
"Deal" he chuckled. He put his arm around me and we walked back to the table.
The others quietened down when we walked back in.
They watched us sit down, but luckily they just went back to their conversations.
Bucky put a waffle on his plate, then pushed it over so it was in between us.
We started to share it.
"Mm. This is really good" I admitted.
"I'm glad you like it" Steve said from across the table.
"Hey y/n" Tony brought my attention to him. "I'm sorry if I somehow offended you earlier. We don't have to do anything."
"That's okay Tony. You can throw a party if you want."
"Good. I already ordered the strippers."
"What?"
"Kidding. That was a joke."
His Stark parties were quite famous. The one I went to was definitely memorable. I turned to Bucky.
"Hey do you remember the party we went to in 2010?" I whispered, so Tony didn't hear. Didn't want to remind him that I tried to kill him.
"You mean the one when you needed me to save your ass?"
"I did not need you. I was perfectly capable of getting out of there myself."
"Really? Then why'd you call me?"
"Hm... back-up."
"Sure" he seemed unconvinced. "You know I didn't mind that mission."
"How come?"
"Because I didn't kill anyone, and I got to see you for the first time in about eight months."
I couldn't help smiling.
"But then we didn't see each other for four years" he frowned.
"But now here we are" I reminded him.
"Mhm. And now everything is okay" he started to smile again.
"Everything is okay" I repeated back to him.