sweet love/ short story collection

Not you

The sun shone through the peaks of the trees, illuminating the soft rosy cheeks of sweet baby Noah. Her heart stung as she looked into his tiny, chubby face. He was sitting on a soft blue blanket that was covering a spot on the grass, tiny blonde curls covering his head while huge blue eyes were looking at her. His little chubby hand that was formed into a fist was now reaching out for her all while he made a high squealing noise. She swallowed as something warm filled her chest mixed with a bite of melancholy.

Time was ticking.

"I guess someone wants to see his aunt Aine.", the sound of her best friend Venora drifted through her thoughts and before she had the chance to reply anything she lifted her son from the blanket and put him in her lap. Immediately one of Noah's small hands landed on her cheek.

Splat, Splat, Splat.

The soft sound of his hand reached her ears as he happily patted her face. He smelled like a baby. Sweet, soft and innocent baby. For a fleeting second, she lowered her head and let her nose wander over his soft baby hair. The scent calmed her racing heart and made her clutch the baby closer to her.

"Beautiful, isn't it?", Caiomhe's voice suddenly boomed across the lawn.

She lifted her head from Noah's soft blonde curls and immediately her eyes landed on Caiomhe who was watching her two little girls playing catch on the grass.

"You really should not wait too long, Aine. You won't be young forever and being too old a mother is not nice either.", Caiomhe's voice was lecturing.

All they did these days was lecturing. It was as if a woman's life consisted only of being lectured.

"I know, but if it is to happen, it will happen.", she replied absently, because baby Noah was now digging his little fingers into her shirt. It was a rather tight grip for a baby who wasn't even one yet.

"Don't you think that's a bit careless of you? You know you don't have time to get a child forever.", Caiomhe came at her again.

"I know.", she said calmly, although her insides were burning with anger, coupled with a sharp ting of pain.

Who were they to tell her what she should do with her life? Having a baby wasn't everything, was it?

Her eyes landed on sweet, innocent Noah again. His little mouth was moving and making soft gurgling noises. He was one of the cutest babies she had ever seen. Although children were generally cute. She loved them. She loved their innocence, the way they never judged you. The way they smelled, the grin on their faces like the most beautiful day of sunshine and the way they grabbed your hand with their little one and tagged along with you. Trusting you that you wouldn't hurt them.

Hugging a child was the best feeling in the world.

For one fleeting moment, her thoughts drifted off into a daydream of her holding her own sweet baby, walking down the streets while one of her hands was intertwined with that of her better half. The dream was so vivid that she could almost smell the soft baby scent of the imaginary baby and feel the warmth of the hand of her non-existent husband. A sting sliced through her heart at the vivid vision before her eyes. Immediately she scolded herself for having romanticised thoughts about the future again. She had to accept that life was not made of love. Or at least it was only for some people.

"Children are cute and if the opportunity arises I would like to get one. But I guess not everyone is lucky enough to get a child. Maybe some people find their happiness in other things, like their passions for example.", she said with a smaller voice and swallowed.

"I think that would be a very lonely life. Don't you think?", Ciaomhe retorted with a slight know-it-all tone, while she ran her fingers meticulously through the hair of one of her daughters, who now sat down on her lap.

"Well, how would you know if it would be a lonely life? You only know life with children", she asked her.

"Well, I just know it and....", Ciaomhe's voice was interrupted midsentence as a high pitched squeal drifted over the lawn to them.

"Oh my god!", gasped Isleen, one of her other friends, her hands now covering her mouth while her eyes were wide with shock.

Her eyes drifted to Isleen's boyfriend who was now down on one knee right in front of her friend. Her eyes were glued to them and although she could see his lips moving and the face of Isleen breaking out in tears, followed by a wobbly nod a few seconds later, she couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth. Instead, her heart froze into an icy lump. She clutched baby Noah tighter to her, trying to feel the warmth of the sweet innocent child, instead of the icy wind howling inside of her. She knew she should be happy for her friend. And god she tried, she fucking tried so much, but instead of a warm, joyous congratulation coming from her lips, her voice sounded slightly hurt, her hug reluctant.

She hated herself for being like that, but at the same time, she was someone wearing her emotions on her sleeve. She would never be able to put on a mask and show people a picture-perfect person who was happy all the time. That was simply not who she was.

"I'm very sorry, but I need to go.", she suddenly rushed out, handing baby Noah over to her best friend Venora. "My mum just texted me and there's a.. there's something I have to do for her."

"But, we wanted to take some photos together...", Isleen protested, her voice slightly disappointed.

"Next time.", she replied with a fake smile, took a step forward and gave everyone a quick hug. "See you.", she waved one last time, before she turned around and rushed over the lawn towards the parking lot.

Her chest was tight, her throat constricted.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry, she chanted in her head, all the time on the way to her car. But as soon as she was inside her car the water broke. Her body was shaking and hiccupping noises escaped her lips as tears ran down her face. She tried to pull herself together since she needed to focus on the traffic, but she just couldn't.

You're a pathetic little girl, an evil voice whispered in her head. The voice became louder over time and by the time she reached home the voice was so loud in her head it seemed to be all she could hear.

Her flat was cold when she entered it. As cold as her heart was at that moment. As soon as she took off her coat she made herself tea and turned on one of her favourite songs.

Aerosmith filled the cold silence of her flat. At least Steven Tyler loved her.