Hopeful Johnny Joestar

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by rockandmoonwalk

by rockandmoonwalk

Hopeful Johnny Joestar
A Short Story
by Funny Valentine

Johnny Joestar had always loved backward America with its delicious, dangerous ditches. It was a place where he felt ambivalent.

He was a hopeful, cowardly, beer drinker with fluffy abs and wobbly toes. His friends saw him as a shiny, shy saint. Once, he had even helped a zealous kitten cross the road. That's the sort of man he was.

Johnny walked over to the window and reflected on his hilly surroundings. The snow flurried like jogging hamsters.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Gyro Zeppeli. Gyro was an articulate patient with ruddy abs and solid toes.

Johnny gulped. He was not prepared for Gyro.

As Johnny stepped outside and Gyro came closer, he could see the salty smile on his face.

"Look Johnny," growled Gyro, with a delightful glare that reminded Johnny of articulate elephants. "It's not that I don't love you, but I want love. You owe me 9613 gold pieces."

Johnny looked back, even more unstable and still fingering the silver kettle. "Gyro, let's move in together," he replied.

They looked at each other with healthy feelings, like two heavy, hard hamsters gyrating at a very witty carol service, which had classical music playing in the background and two clumsy uncles bouncing to the beat.

Johnny studied Gyro's ruddy abs and solid toes. Eventually, he took a deep breath. "I'm afraid I declared myself bankrupt," explained Johnny. "You will never get your money."

"No!" objected Gyro. "You lie!"

"I do not!" retorted Johnny. "Now get your ruddy abs out of here before I hit you with this silver kettle."

Gyro looked unstable, his wallet raw like a tasteless, tiny teapot.

Johnny could actually hear Gyro's wallet shatter into 9613 pieces. Then the articulate patient hurried away into the distance.

Not even a drink of beer would calm Johnny's nerves tonight.

THE END

Auto Praise for Hopeful Johnny Joestar

"I feel like I know Johnny Joestar. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."
- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the squits."
- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the snow flurried like jogging hamsters is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."
- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."
- Zob Gloop