X-men One-Shots

HAVOK AND POLARIS - COMING OUT

Havok POV:

The Treehouse. Manhattan. Lorna lives here now. Shit. Why am I doing this. Shit. I walk in. I walk up the stairs. Every second thinking I should turn around. I can't do this. I have to did this. When did I even talk to her last? Back with that External Gate thing? Shit. Who else would I talk to. Scott's busy leading the X-men that she's a part of. Shit. Why is he so much better than me at everything? He's leading a team of X-men while I just got out of fucking around with a therapy group for supervillains... I was on a team with a guy that's killed children... And I liked him more than most of them. I'm outside her suite now. I ring her doorbell. My heart races and doesn't stop when the door swings open.

'Hey Alex. I saw you coming up here. Is this about the X-men?'
The X-men. She's busy. She shouldn't be talking to me. She's busy. I walk into the room, she's sat on a couch. Why did I do this? I knew that this was a bad idea.
'Yeah, uh no. It's - it's about... I mean it's about nothing. I'm - I'm sorry to bother you I shouldn't - I'll go...' the words come tumbling out of my mouth like a boulder. No fucking subtlety. Why can't I even do this.
'No, no. We should catch up.' Lorna beckons me to sit opposite her. She sips her coffee. I've missed her so much. I miss having friends. I miss having more than friends. I miss the X-men. I hated the X-men. She continues as I sit myself down. This place is nice. I shouldn't be here.
'I'm sorry we haven't talked much i just... Joining the X-men's been a lot and I... I've been... I haven't been happy for... for a long time.'
Oh god. She's going through stuff. She's going through way more than me probably. I should go. I should go. I should... No. I can at least talk to her. I think she needs it. She's sad. She said she's sad. I should talk.
'I... yeah. Everything's a lot at the moment. Not that whatever you're going through isn't a lot but it's - I mean that's gotta make it worse. I guess.'
She puts down her coffee on the marble table between us. She's been wearing sunglasses which she takes off. There are bags under her eyes. I think she just woke up. I should talk to her. She needs to talk to someone.
'Yeah. It's not.. it's definitely not helped. I've just been... I... who am I? Alex you've known me the longest anyone has. Who am I?'
This time the words aren't rigid. They just slip out. This is probably what a conversation is meant to be like.
'You're Lorna Dane! You're someone that's been lied to and... and the worse shit has happened to and you have every excuse in the world to just- to just wallow in pity but you don't. You care about people and you help them and that's what you do even though you're the one that needs that help and care the most and you do good things even though the world has never ever been good to you and... And you're Polaris.'
I look at my toes. Fuck. I've probably said something wrong. I probably... she smiles. She looks at me and smiles. I look at her back. I smile. It's a weak smile. I guess I've done something right. That's a change. She talks again.
'I'm sorry, we went off track... I've just been feeling a lot lately.'
'It's ok.'
'I know. I should stop apologising but I probably won't. So - um... why did you come by?'
'Oh I... it feels kinda unimportant. You've got all this stuff with your team and all the stuff we just talked about and I...'
'If I'm going to stop apologising you've got to stop thinking of yourself in terms of other people. It doesn't matter if what I'm gong through is worse. Your still going through stuff. I want to talk.'
She's right. She's exactly right. Of course she is. She gets people. She gets me best of all.
'I- I want to talk too. That's why I came here. I wanted to talk. Your the only person I know that I could... that I could talk to. I've... I've been depressed. I think it's been obvious. It's just... I can't remember the last time I felt something. Most people think I'm sad or angry or whatever but I'm not. I just don't feel anything. It's like after everything I just have stopped letting myself be happy or sad or excited or angry or whatever and I'm just nothing. I've known this forever and everyone else has too but I... I think I've realised why.'
I don't know if I can't do the next bit. I don't know but I have to and I want to and I know she'll be good about it and I don't know why I haven't said this before.
'People call me Alex the self-hating X-man. And they're right. Remember when I made that fucking speech with the Avengers and it was just the worse thing and I've changed a lot since then and I don't know why I did it in the first place but I've always... I'm not like Storm or Magneto. I'm not a god. I never wanted to be one and I don't think I am one but to any human I am. And I hate it. I hate myself. I'm a mutant and I hate it but I'm changing. I'm learning to love myself. I want to learn to love myself. I need to learn to love myself if I want to keep existing because I am a mutant. And... and...'
I thought that part would be hard and it was but the next part is going to be even harder. I'm going to do it. Someone has to know. I can't lie forever. I'll die. Dying doesn't matter anymore but I'll die.
'And it's not the only think I hate myself for... from since I was a teenager I've been... I've been lying to myself about... about... I just... I just thought that if I ignored it it would go away... I mean I can date women I can... oh god Lorna. Oh god. I'm bi. I'm bisexual.

Fuck. It's like the next three seconds are the slowest I've ever felt. My heart is pounding and yet completely still. My eyes hurt. I don't know if I'm crying or I'm just tired or allergies. I'm crying. I'm definitely crying. She smiles so wide. She's smiling for me because I can't. She's happy for me because I'm not. She hugs me from across the table and the tears just don't stop and I can't think but I do think and I think I'm happy. I think I feel happy. She laughs. She laughs and I laugh and I cry and I laugh. And she hugs me and I hug her and I cry and laugh. And she talks to me.
'So. Who're you into?'
She laughs again and I really laugh this time and the tears stop for a bit or maybe I just stop noticing them and I only notice her.
'It was hard being on the Hellions for a lot of reasons but mostly because Kwannon is really hot and Greycrow is really hot and they're definitely together and they definitely have the hottest sex.'
This feels so good. It genuinely feels like a dream. I didn't know I could feel this happy. Fuck. That's depressing. She laughs and I laugh and it's so good. We keep talking. About drama and politics and baseball and food and whatever but it's like I've been carrying an impossible weight forever and I've just dropped it on the floor and I'm just walking away. It's the best. It's the best feeling I've ever felt.

We get wasted and I wake up at four AM and I take the closest gate home and I go to my bed and I cry but I'm happy. I cry for the first time in ever and I'm happy for the first time in ever. I put music on and I text people I haven't talked to in years and I feel genuinely free and good and happy. Im going to tell Scott and I'm going to tell Kwannon and Logan and Bobby and Betsy. And then I sleep. I don't go to bed and sit there like usual. I sleep.