Dream Walker✔️

4.7

Aster's smile dropped away, instantly replaced by a concerned frown. "No, no, don't cry. There's nothing to cry about. We're at a great place, and we can stay until you get better. Everything's going to be fine." He cupped my cheek in one palm and rubbed my shoulder with the other.

"Maybe it will be, but maybe it won't. Maybe we don't all get home—and someone dies because of me. Because I was stupid enough to set this all into motion. How am I supposed to smile after what I did to you, to Izzy, even to Vance?"

His frown deepened, and his hands fell to my waist. "Mars, you couldn't have known."

"You knew." I swiped away furious tears. "As soon as you saw Shade, you knew he was real. You tried to stop me. If I'd just listened to you-"

Shaking his head, he pulled me closer, hugging me against his chest. "You've been experiencing magical dreams since you were a child, and Shade had pretended to be me more than once, didn't he. That's why you were acting all weird with me. That's why you wouldn't listen."

I nodded, cringing at the memories of Shade's impression of Aster. He'd never been able to pull it off quite right, even with all my memories of him at Shade's disposal, so it was no excuse. It really wasn't.

"I still should've known."

He ran a hand over my crest, tracing a line down my neck. "Why? I didn't know."

"What?"

He chuckled wryly. "I didn't know it wasn't a dream. All I knew was that if I didn't play along with the Shade in my dreams, I would have to watch you die. And I didn't want that."

I blinked. "You really didn't realize?"

"Not until a while after we went through the portal. Vance and Izzy say they knew it was real all along, but I'm pretty sure Vance's faking it. Not sure about Izzy, though."

Eyes scrunched closed, I shuddered. I wanted to believe him, really, but I didn't think he was above making something up to spare my feelings.

He rubbed my back with a sigh. "None of us really understood what was happening except for Fleck, and I can't even blame her for this. She's a little kid in over her head, trying to save her family. I'd do the same thing in her place." He kissed the top of my head. "The only person to blame for us coming to Mystica is Merlin, you can be sure of that. So stop risking your life or trying to be self-sacrificing just so you can clear a guilty conscience that doesn't even need to be guilty. You are the most important part of this group. We need you. I need you, Mars. Don't make me watch you tear yourself apart like this. Whatever you need, whatever I can do or say to make things better for you, I'll do it. Because you're not a malicious monster who dragged us through a portal to use us for freaky magic experiments. You're our friend. You deserve to get home in one piece just as much as we do."

With those few words, he rendered me a quivering piece of jelly in his arms. I couldn't hold back the floodgates anymore. I pulled my robe up over my face in a vain attempt to stem the tears streaming down my cheeks. So much for maintaining any semblance of being put together.

Why was it always like this? Why did being close to Aster make me fall apart like I was a little kid in my dad's arms? Well, not exactly like that; after all, I'd never wanted to kiss my dad. But the feeling of safety, of being protected and loved—that was exactly the same.

Aster held me close, rubbing my back in silence without a single complaint about my blubbering. I wanted to stop, to straighten and say I was okay, that I had everything under control. But I couldn't pretend anymore. Without Izzy and Vance here questioning my leadership, I didn't have the strength to put on any sort of farce. Aster didn't expect me to do it, either. All he expected from me was the truth—that I wasn't the confident, powerful phoenix leader I was trying to be.