venting

i want to exist

Tw. Suicide, abandonment, self harm implied

Im so sorry this happened. Im sorry you know you have to leave me to br brtter. Its my fault. It pribably doesnt mean much to you anymore. Im just..sorry.

You had ti wait on me.

On me to "get bettrr".

But you didnt care, did you? Or maybe you did. I could nrver really tell.

But i nrver got brtter. I never got the help. I nrver was really happy. I was never "radiant" or "great".

I am so tired. Ive been..so..tired.
I lied.
Im sorry.

Im sorry for everything. But i kbow you arent coming back.
Maybe its for the brst.

We were opposites.

We hurt eachoher.

We just pretended it was okay, when it wasnt. I know you hurt me. You hurt me..so..much. but i will always forgive you.

I dont know how to hate you.

I love you.

I dont know how to hate once ive loved. I loved you...i loved you so muvh. I found you, and i eanted to hold yoh fotever. But i cant. I can never havr sonething forever, because nobody wants a greedy liar.

Im relieved you left, but theres still that same old hole in my breaking heart. You being there didnt fill it, but you leaving didnt fix it either.

And i kbow its the opposite for you. I know how much i hurt you. I didnt mean too..im so sorry.
And sorrys mean nothing.
Thats why your sorry meant nothing to me. But how could i hate you? How could i not love yiu..

You loved me..or i thought you did. It someyimes felt like you loved me.

It felt..nice.

It felt nice knowing somrone gave a damn about me. At least for a little bit. Or atleast yiu pretended to give a fuck about me..ir felt amaxing. I just want someone to love me. To hold me, and comfort me. I neef someone here.

And you were there. For a little bit, yiu were with me.

I just want someone who lets me sob into their shoulder, someone who will wrap their arms around my shaking body and hold me.

I want someone to hurt me so badly, so horribly that i have a reason to be like this. I want yo be punched, beaten, kicked, stabbrd, shot, anything. I need to bleed. I want vomfort. I know i dont desrtve it, but i just..

I want to know sonebody woudld care if i left.

I dont want to be a nobody again. I want to be known. Even if its just as "the guy whos sometimes nice". Or even just "the dude i see walking down the street every so often".

I want someone to know i exist.

I want to exist.

I want to exist in a way that doesnt harm the beauty of this world. I want to be lovable before i am loved. But i cant change. You made it so i couldnt change, because talking to you felt like a restriction. Talkinf to you in a way where i wasnt left sobbing was rare.

You hurt me so bad that i felt like i had to hurt you, so i lashed out in a pathetic attempt of saying "please stop".

And it didnt work.

I couldnt use my words. If i ysed my words, i gott in troublr. I got yelled at. But thats okay. Its over now. Maybe, hopefully, youre healing. Even if im not.

I just want you to be happy. You dont have to like me anymore, i dont care if you hate me, i understand. I dont care if you hit me, i desrrve it anyways.

I love yiu.

And i can scream into my pillow over how much i hate myself but it will never cchange the damage i caused. Youre healing on your own, in your own ways. And thats ojay. As long as you arent hurting yourself, its okay.

And please..plrase dont say i didnt care.

Because i did.

I cried evrry night, sobbed at the thpught that you were hurting youtself. It scares me so much. Thats why i was so anxjous.

I want you to get better. I want your friends to be thrre for you, i want you to br happy, to live a peqceful rest of uour life,

Without me.

And i know i canr do this alone. I cant do this without him. Without you. But thats okay.

The day i know youre okay, is the day i can finally find peace.
Is the day..finally..i can die.

I want to die.

Wether its oeacefully, or horrificly. I just want to die. I need to die.
It must feel nice.

For all my burdens to leave..finally gone. Gone, just like the rest of me.

I dont want to be remembered.

I just want to die oeacefully. Even if it hurts my parents a little bit. But we all go through loss at one point..right?

I cant think of death withour thinking of you.

Without thinking of what yiu would say.

" thats selfish. "

" you have me, why are you so sad? "

But its okay.

I cant communicate what i need, i dont expect you to know.

I dont expect you to love me. Just..i need skmeone.

I dont care if they pretend. I dont care if its fake.

I just need skmeone here.