Waiting In The Wings

2

Alone in my room, I check my emails and messages, idly wasting time pretending to be productive. To no surprise, my notifications are far and few, mostly from games I no longer bother playing.

The cycle of days continues. A couple of years has passed me by. Not without happy moments. Not without laughter and joy, but still without a solid sense of meaning. I grasp the emptiness that presents itself to me, wondering with vapid curiosity whether there really is something out there. 

Moments of hope present themselves to me, their glimmer of illusion enticing me before the magic runs out and I am left again in the same place as before. 

My dreams are intertwining and unintelligible, nothing gained, nothing lost. Even in the dream world I seem stuck in a loop of familiarity, something I cannot break free from. What if the rollercoaster of life simply went in circles?

No. No I have to retain something to look forward, goals, hopes and dreams. There is a whole world out there to traverse, there are challenges to take on and people to meet. I'm not there right now but that doesn't mean I will never be. 

If I could just be free from the routine of life, escape the tedium of existence maybe I could finally find what my soul yearns for. What I wake up every morning wishing for. As they say, a wish is a dream your heart makes. If I could materialise this wish perhaps I could find something worthwhile in this emptiness, this void of numbness.

Even the things I find passion in can be overwhelmed by the vast power the internet grips me in. How can I ever create, dream, play, feel, when I am trapped within the confines of the mental prison that is the online world? 

Video watching often sources me some very short-term gratification, but every single night, once I have finally detached myself from my torture, I have to face the girl in the mirror insistent on wasting her life away. The girl full of ambition and passion that traps herself in the four walls of her room with only a singular window over the same view day upon day and wonders why life feels void of anything new. 

There is so much to life, so much potential, so much feeling, so many things to discover and yet we have trapped ourselves into a life of nothingness. Put down the phone. Put it down. Even for half an hour. Are you actually going to miss anything? Are you? Really? Now think, consider, refresh your mind with the heaven that is true nothingness, peace. What is it you actually want to do today? Even if it is one simple task. Set your mind to it. 

Fill your senses with knowledge: cooking, crafting, reading, writing, singing, learning a language, exercising your mind and body. Whatever it is that inspires, doesn't it seem a whole lot more gratifying than whatever mind-wasting activity you were previously committed to; convincing yourself that it is important and essential to your life. 

Don't limit yourself. Let go of doubts, no matter how difficult it is. If you live your life in comfort, you live a life void of excitement, of fresh knowledge, of wonder. You sacrifice the very gift you have been given because you would rather live vicariously whatever format that might take. 

I wait for my moment on the stage patiently, believing that my chance will be given in due course, but there are so many performers, so many people vying for their moment, it seems my moment will never arise. Therefore grip with all your might to the ambition that drives you, find yourself waking up in the morning with newfound motivation.

Motivation is finite, but discipline gets you far. It is the difference between another unsuccessful attempt, beating yourself up for not being able to grasp all that you wanted and persevering nonetheless, acknowledging every small moment of progress until you find yourself on the other side, a person who has achieved the goals that they desired and has found the recipe to happiness. 

Success, wealth, material possessions. They don't matter. Drill this into your head no matter how many times you need to remember. Paris inspired within me that competitive attitude, the desire for wealth, the spiralling out of control when in the presence of so many celebrities, but most importantly, it rejuvenated my passion for the French language and understanding history. Identify what is really important in life.

Hold on to it. Never let go, never let someone take away the validity of your dreams in a consumerist, conformist society. Reach, reach and keeping reaching. Think about all the people there are out there who would understand you or at least put in the effort to try. Think of all the memories you wish to create and the impression you want to leave on the world. 

Are you really no one? Is anyone insignificant? How can such a complex life and complex being not have any impact at all? Even if you only leave a lasting impact on a person or two, does that not mean anything? 

Search for knowledge, for connection, for understanding instead of aesthetics and glamour. 

Of course, a little taste of the rich life and of glitter is natural, but don't let yourself be consumed. Don't die alone like Gatsby, washing away your sins with alcohol, in love with a past that no longer exists. Constantly adapt, change and grow. Yearn for the truth, fight for what you believe. Don't have any strong beliefs, any dreams, any hope? Read, read and read some more. Learn about history, about culture, about people and soon you'll find at least something worth fighting for. 

The news is upsetting but don't ignore it, don't be a bystander. So many people live their lives passively like that, thinking that if they don't watch it won't effect them. Educate yourself and others, push for change and soon, we'll all find hope. 

The basis of learning is education. School may have failed you, but you needn't fail yourself. Refusing to learn limits you, it makes you stagnant, captures your life in a freeze-frame and keeps you there unless external factors manage to push you to change.   

The words I'm putting out may only reach a few people, but if a few people could consider changing the way they live their lives and view the world, well then I have succeeded in changing the world. 

Your passions are out there, you aren't limited to be one-dimensional, you are capable of so much beyond your current imagination. If you can find yourself outside of your four walls and your circle of comfort, maybe you can find something new to take back and inform those around you of. 

Everyone is capable. There is depth, there is more than the surface level content that is mass produced for the sake of keeping people docile.

Just to clarify, I am not inciting cult activities or "breaking out of the matrix", but simply living life more intentionally to find your own version of meaning.

Find your meaning. It is out there. I haven't found mine yet, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. Have faith, a commodity so rarely found in modern society. Just because you don't believe in a higher power or divinity doesn't mean that you cannot have faith and trust in the universe.