Poetry Kinda

To My Childhood Best Friend

A/N umm don't mind me this turned out more vent like than I wanted sorry

The reason most relationships
Don't last from childhood
Change
The thing that leads to all the stuff that scares me
Abandonment
Loneliness
Pain
Not death
Never death
I want to walk to death not like an old friend
But like a new ally
One who'd never leave
Because surely even death has lost people
Seen people transform
Seen them go from
"Move on after I die"
To
"How could they"
And the only way we can last is if we can change together
But I've changed too much
Back and forth
Does she like me
Do they
Well I'll just be what they like
But you don't know that
The effortless transformation
That causes too many scars
Removes too many pieces
The people pleasing
Please god don't let me have to talk to someone
Not someone I don't know
Not for something as dumb as a school project
I don't want you to
You should never have to change yourself
Never have to adapt for them to like you
And I love you
But I left
Because change
No
Because selfishness
Because I can't change back
So now all that I've been
Every change is small part of me
I try to protect you try to let you grow
Instead of grow up
Because I still see you as my kid brother
As a child
As though I'm an adult
But I'm not
But I've felt burdens they're too cowardly touch
Let alone bear
So now I bare my thoughts to you
My only healthy emotional outlet
That you will never see
I love you
By now I'm begging you'll feel that
I can't just let you face it on your own
The world
But I am not strong enough anymore
Not strong enough to face it for you
Not alone
I feel like I'm using ou
Like I'm failing you
And in some ways I am
But she
She doesn't get me
But she doesn't make me change
And I would never let her change for me
Because she deserves the world
And you deserve the world
But I couldn't give it to you any longer
Because you are no longer mine to give it to
But I cling to you like a child to a blanket
For comfort
For security
You made me a better person
And I discarded that for their approval
Like you discarded some morals to stick with me
But I'm better again
But different better
And maybe it's better that I've changed
Or so I say I have
Yet here I am
Talking about myself
Again
This was supposed to be about you
About change
About how I hate myself for leaving you
But I can't connect with you anymore
So I remember
And I reminisce
An I regret
The leaving
But trying to stay
Trying to pretend
That I'm not a horrible person for this
Like I'm not talking to myself in writing this
I almost want to send it to you
Almost
I think that you wouldn't understand
I wish that you wouldn't
That you'd hate me
For leaving
For trying to stay
For failing that
For guessing what you would get
And what you wouldn't
You've had burdens to bear I'm sure
But I don't know about them
Because I'm selfish
Because I need her
Even when you need me
And I've said the same thing
Ten times
In the past like thirty lines
But let me say this
One more time
Before you hate
You can hide behind me
For as long as you need
Because the lost look
The oh god
Don't let me have to talk to someone
Not someone I don't know
Not for something as dumb as a school project
So I'm here talk to me and I'll listen
But I'll only hear the words
No matter how much I try
No matter how much I love you
And the time we spent together
So use me
As a ladder
A bridge
A shield
Anything you need to find someone
Someone who doesn't just listen
Someone who hears