i am bored

the truth behind closed doors

left, right. left, right. one foot in front of the other. my whole body is shaking, i can't even walk properly. my hand caresses the wall next to me to keep my balance. as i finally managed to lift my gaze from my, oh so interesting, shoes, i can only see the long corridor that seems endless.

the sun set for quite a while ago, and all that was lighting up the hall was the moon shining through the large windows. i can still smell the faint scent from the candles, that was still burning not too long ago.

i'm cold. it feels like the winter suddenly decided to give me a big, not so warm, hug. it's quiet, almost completely quiet. the only sound coming from my footsteps, making a faint echo.

i look out of the window. behind the windows i can see the moon shining down on the withered flowers. no one tends to them anymore. they used to be blooming in all of the colors the rainbow had to offer. and running through the blooming flowers, you would find me. happily smiling together with both my mother and father. but that's long ago now, it's all in the past. a past i'll never see again. after that carriage accident, everything changed. like the moon disappeared, and the sun decided to never rise again. the estate, our home, was doomed to always stand in the dark.

a silent tear rolls down my cheek. 'it's all in the past. it's too late to do anything.' with those thoughts in my head, i dry my tears with the back of my hand, and continue walking. slowly. the trembling hasn't stopped. what am i scared of you ask? even i don't know the answer to that. maybe i'm just a scaredy-cat, afraid to hear the truth. i'm well aware of it, but i can't accept it. maybe i'm afraid of accepting what happened that day. what if i accept it, what happens then? will it be like i just forgot about it? like it meant nothing at all? why am i even thinking about this, i shouldn't dwell on the past. no one should, father told me that.

he felt guilty since he wasn't with me and mother that day. it's not like it was his fault though, he couldn't have predicted the bad weather. even if he was with us, what could he have done? all it would have a chance of changing is the number of deaths. 'aaagghh i'm doing it again! i was told not to dwell on it, it's already been two years!' but even if both father and i say that, it's not like we manage to think about much else. i wonder what mother is thinking about, does she dwell on it as well?

"meet me in my office. we have to face the truth and move on."

those were father's words, and he's right. no good will happen if i cling to the past, i have to move on. i shake my head and look up again. further down the hall i can see light. the light coming from the candles outside the door to father's office.

when i thought about this moment earlier, i thought i would freeze and not be able to move. but now that i can see the door, i'm doing the exact opposite. i start to walk, faster and faster. i end up running and it doesn't take long before i'm in front of the big doors.

it's been a while i've been here. the doors are clean, too clean if you ask me. they're the same doors as last time, so they haven't replaced them. but they're still too clean, like they're seldom used. i stand there fore a while, just studying the doors. not like i have a reason to, but it's kinda sad how this room isn't used that often anymore.

i'm about to knock, but the doors open up before my hand manages to knock. i quickly put my hand down. 'what am i doing?! that's so stupid, why did i almost try to knock on the door?' once again my thoughts wandered off to something unnecessary, but i tried to quickly gain focus again.

"you're here."

my father was the one who opened the door. he looked tired. his brown hair was a mess, like he hadn't been outside in days. those hazel eyes that would usually shine bright, looked dull and exhausted. after he closed the door, he walked back to his desk leaning on it as he faced the door.

"it's time we accept the truth,"

it all suddenly hit me. a wave of emotions came over me, and i couldn't hold back my tears anymore. i heard the sniffles, but they didn't come from me. my father raised his gaze from the floor, and looked directly at where i was.

i looked up. his eyes widened in shock, but soon softened, and tears started to form in his eyes as well. he ran towards me. he opened his arms to comfort, but the one he embraced wasn't me.

'of course, he can't even see me anymore. with this i hope you can move on.'

"she's not here anymore."

"that's right. goodbye, mother, father"

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not me coming here to point out that this is old...
figured i was too lazy to rewrite, maybe another time