When Tomorrow Never Came

chapter 5

Trauma warning again there is a miscarriage in this chapter

Chapter 5

After a couple hours of agonizing cramps, bleeding out huge clots, and feeling completely dead I crawled into my tub feeling somewhat safe with its high walls and stared at the ceiling trying to comprehend what just happened. Tears rained from my eyes as I whispered but I'm a nurse over and over again. I felt like my knowledge should have prevented this and I somehow failed Joseph. I was even angry my body failed me. Our baby should have been safe and protected and still growing. This wasn't right. It wasn't right.

Hours ticked by as I refused to move an inch. God did me dirty and I was plotting a way to egg his cloud. Or at least wish I could. I decided to pull myself together and get showered up knowing I'd still have some light bleeding. I barely had the ambition to move as I sat up to get undressed and start the water. The ice cold blast made me shutter as I waited for the comforting warm water to make its way up the frigid pipes. I felt like I was in a nightmare with the potential to get even worse.

Then next morning I stayed in my bed refusing to greet the day. There was a knock on the door trying to beckon me from my bed but I looked at my clock and knew it was far too early to be Joseph and I had given him the spare key so he wouldn't be knocking, but to my surprise I heard the door unlock confirming it was in fact Joseph.

I still couldn't move my heart felt too numb to even care as his footsteps slowly grew closer and my bedroom door creaked open

"Miriam" he asked

"You're early" I answered, trying to hide my sad feelings

"I thought I'd stop by earlier to give us more time together, are you okay?" he explained, sitting down at the edge of my bed

" I'm not, but I'm not ready to talk about it Joseph, I'm still trying to understand it myself." I answered, still refusing to roll over and look at him.

Joseph scooted onto the bed and wrapped his arms around me pulling me close. "Take all the time you need," he whispered. His warmth and compassion helped ease some of the pain but I was so broken I couldn't see the forest for the trees. We laid there for hours until he had to go I rolled over and looked at him with my tear stained face

"I love you" I whispered giving his a gentle kiss

"I love you too" he answered, giving me a kiss back "I'll see you at the docks next week right?" He asked, and I nodded . We gave each other another kiss. He had written his parents' contact information so I could phone his mother for someone to talk to if I felt like it.

When I heard the front door shut the grief smothered me again. I scolded myself for not telling Joseph but I knew he had other things to worry about than me. I called up his mother and told her what happened, she expressed her sympathy and I could hear a grief in her tone, I didn't even think about how excited she could have possibly been for another grandbaby... but she instantly told me not to worry about how she felt, the only person I needed to worry about and take care of was me and to say the words and she and Bernie would be there to take care of me. I told her I wanted to continue with going to Europe as a field nurse, and she supported that decision too. It made me realize Renata was gifted like her sister, she just knew things and had the ability to calm the most raging storms.

After our phone call I trudged back to bed still broken hearted but actually having someone to talk about it helped more than I thought.

I stayed in bed as long as I could only leaving to use the bathroom or drink some water. I only finally emerged when it was time to leave for the docks. I quietly packed my things and showered. I had to admit the hot water did help rinse some of the sadness away with my disgusting hobo smell. I stood under the faucet feeling the water run over me filling me with some little relief and lift the heavy numb feeling in my heart. I knew I had to do this, people were relying on me. So I finally got out of the shower, got ready to leave and mustered all the strength I had, what little strength it was, and I left for the docks putting my ring on my dog tags as well.