Break Even

SIXTEEN: OLIVIA

What a lie. Fresh start, a lie. Clean slate, a lie. Olivia 2.0, a big freaking lie. I feel a little nauseous, my throat is getting dry, and my heart is racing as I stare up at the ceiling. I'm living one big lie.

Spencer pulls away from me, and his deep brown eyes tell me everything he can't say. The regret, the torment— it's written all over his face. He reaches around the back of my head, grabbing a fistful of my hair. It's as desperate as it is demanding, and slowly, he pulls me in until my head rests in the crook of his neck. His other arm wraps around my waist, and he clings to me as though I could disappear at any moment.

His lips find the top of my head, and he leaves behind slow, agonized kisses. I can feel the pain from my spine down to the tip of my toes every time his lips find my body and every time they leave.

"Spencer," I whisper against his skin.

"Please, Olivia. Not now. Not tonight." He rests his head on mine, and I focus on the sound of his heart as it pounds in my ears.

I slowly lift my head from his body, his fingers still tangled in my hair.

"I'm sorry—

"Don't." He cuts me off

"I'm not sorry for kissing you, Spencer. I'm just sorry I did it when your lips aren't mine to claim."

I try desperately to look for anything in his eyes that will tell me what he's thinking. All I see is chaos. He wants to hate me, I'm sure. He may have kissed me, but I led us here. I tempted, and I pushed, knowing where we would end up. I'd hate me if I were him.

Having me this close to him, too close, stole the breath from his lungs, and I wanted it all. I'd steal every drop of oxygen he had until he needed my permission to breathe because that's exactly how he makes me feel.

He's so infectious, and he poisoned me the second he met me. I never stood a chance. He's all I breathe, all I feel. But now, I finally see that I'm his kryptonite too.

"Fuck." He groans, barely breathing. The veins in his neck are becoming more visible by the second. And I know it makes me a terrible person, but I reveled in knowing my presence did this to him.

I focus on him, and I'm met with a look so devastating I know the consequences of it instantly. We should be putting space between us, but we're only getting closer as our inescapable chemistry whispers that every terrible moment we're sharing is okay.

He consumed me, mouth smothering my own. He'd finally decided that not only would he have me, but that he'd own me. Every time his tongue collides with mine, we swap silent admissions, our saliva washing down our old secrets to make way for new ones. In slow motion, we forget all consequences and give life to the catastrophe that is Spencer and Olivia.

Almost as if the magnitude of our actions hit us at the same time, we pull away. No words are lingering between us, just pain. He takes my hand and guides me back into the house. We make our way up the stairs, but I know better than to think this moment goes any further than the kiss we shared outside. If we take that step while he's still with her, it'll destroy him. It'll ruin me.

So instead, we crawl into his bed, and I rest my head on his chest as if it belongs there. We don't speak. We know better than to put this moment into words.

"Olivia."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry too. So sorry."

He kisses my forehead, and I close my eyes. I just want this moment.

I turn to look at Spencer peacefully asleep. He's perfect. Why couldn't I just leave him alone? Why couldn't I learn from the past?