if i were a boy

would it be my fault?

i don't believe in love at first sight.

nor in cheating or moving on too fast.

but when does the countdown to "moving on" start,

when you've felt alone so long?

when the relationship you're in is only ignited by YOUR efforts.

when holding back a "good morning ❤️" text turns into days of not speaking.

do you even care ? is the point.

because i do.

i always. fucking do.

but i'm too scared to stop because i know once i do... alone is official.

my bullshit is mine to deal with. no more distractions. no more denial.

no one else to blame...

plenty "oh my GOD what happends' i don't feel like answering. over. and over.

i wish that when you leave a person everything about them leaves too. not even just from YOUR memory, but the memory of those around you.

thats what REALLY makes the pain linger.

i wish i could just start over and deal with the me before i met you. i had less pain to deal with then.

this would all be easier,

i think.

now i'm forced to pull myself apart, and deal with the embarrassment. accepting my part in it which doesn't seem fair.

but i have to. *scoffs*

this is a dangerous game. i pray that i figure it out before i let the bottle, the pill, the lust, the gun,

figure it out for me.