(It's Not) The End of Everything

(It's Not) The End of Everything

So tell me to leave

I'll pack my bags, get on the road

-Noah Cyrus

Meredith's text comes in just as you were sitting down in front of the waiting area. "I'm here!" it reads. "Yay!" You reply quickly, as you watch her come down the escalator. She's waving as she recognizes you, and you smile back. It feels like a lifetime since you've seen each other; in her world, it has been. Six months of distance will do that to a person.

You've been talking every night since you've left until the early hours of the morning, and texting on top of that, and still, it never feels like enough. It never feels like her arms wrapped around you, or like her kisses, or when she's holding your hand into her own,

"Addie," Meredith smiles into the hug that you give her. It's crushing, it's soothing, it's all of her scent enveloping you once more. It makes you remember how you fell into this in the first place, with her hair cascading down your shoulders while you were crying over a baby that you never had once upon a time.

Time feels like it's expanding at this moment as you're so excited and nervous and all different kinds of emotions from being together for the first time in so many months. "Ready to go-" you ask her. You almost asked her "ready to go home," but you didn't, because you know that her true home will always be in Seattle and that this will always be yours.

You're not ready to face that yet though, so you accept her grin and her shy little kiss on your cheek as you help her with one of her bags and you walk out to your car together. The sunny ocean air washes over you, and you grin watching Meredith experience it again. She's been here before a few times, but not for a while now, and she's used to the wind and the cold.

"How do you go to work every day when it feels like a vacation?" Meredith asks you earnestly as you put the suitcases into the trunk of the car. "It just feels natural, I suppose," you shrug as you try to think of a better answer. "How do you go to work every day when it's raining?" you ask her back. "Easy, that's what cars are for," Meredith giggles. You love her giggles.

You almost press her against the car and kiss her senselessly, but you don't, and instead, you hold back and you give her a peck on the cheek before you start driving, and you smile softly as she brushes her hand over your shoulder as you drive. Your music is playing softly in the background, and you sing along to them subconsciously as she closes her eyes and just listens.

She's tired, you figure, as your head spins with conversations to make as you arrive at your doorstep and help her unpack her things. You've moved half of your clothes out of the way so that she has space on your shelves for her things. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and you enjoyed the process because it meant that you were thinking about her.

Dinner's already been made, and you heat some up for you both as you sit down at the table. She rambles on about the surgeries that she's been assisting on, and you become captivated by her recounts. This, at least, is something that you'll always have in common with each other. Even if it's work, the passion for surgery transcends any distance or proximity and you can talk each other's ears off swapping stories about it.

"This is nice," Meredith blurts out softly. "It's nice to see you, and not just hear you. It's nice to be able to see your expressions and to feel you," Meredith continues. It's so eager and enthusiastic, and that's when you lean in, and kiss her because the moment overtakes you. She smiles into the kiss, and she shares it with you. It's sweet and gentle, and you let her pull away first, as soon as she wants to.

"So umm-" you're awkward now because you're not sure what's going to happen next. You've been excited about her coming over so badly, and you want her so badly, but you're not sure what she's thinking, or want she wants with you, and you're a bit insecure about how this is all going to work out now that you're no longer long-distance.

Distance is one thing because you're each living your own lives. Now that she's here and it's all that you've been wanting for so long, once it's here it feels almost crushingly anti-climactic. What if she isn't happy here, and what if you can't make her happy, and what if you break up and she's stuck here, or what if she hates your friends, or-

"Hey-" Meredith says softly, as she brushes her hand over your shoulder. "Huh-" you come back to her and you focus your attention again. "Are you okay? You sort of zoned out a bit there," Meredith says, her voice laced with compassion and concern. "Yeah," you smile back. "Just lost in thought there." "I could see that," Meredith chuckles.

"Hey do you want to cuddle up on the couch for a while?" she asks you "Yeah, let's do that," she nods. She snuggles into your shoulder, and you close your eyes and just feel. You should be happy, you keep telling yourself that. This is what you've been looking forward to, holding her in your arms, and yet you're reeling because you're craving more than this.

You're craving kisses, touches, and an edginess that you'd had in Seattle back when this started when you'd lived there. You expected to fall back into it, but you get that she's still warming up to you again. She's here falling asleep on your shoulder and you feel like a monster because you're thinking about her digging her nails into your skin, and biting down on your shoulder.

"I can feel you thinking-" she peeks up, and her big blue eyes look up into yours, and you bite your lip hesitantly. "Yeah.." you take a sharp breath before you meet her eyes again. "I was just..." you have no words to give her, not that you're ready to say to her yet. The conversation flowed so easily while you were on the phone, and now it feels all choppy and disjointed and you absolutely hate it.

You're fighting the awkwardness as you tell her that you were thinking about kisses, even though it's an understatement. She laughs and says that she could tell that might have been what it was when she felt that your heart was racing while her head was resting on top of your chest. "I can feel you holding back from kissing me, I appreciate it, but I can tell you if it's too much for me."

"I don't want to push you. I don't want you do something you're not ready for, just for me. I'll only enjoy it if you're enjoying it, and only if you want to." you explain to her. She'd mentioned before coming here that she might not be ready, and you've been consciously recognizing that, and controlling your thoughts and your actions around her.

"I appreciate that," she smiles. "It's very sweet, very compassionate of you." she places a kiss on your chin softly. "We can just.. 'Go with the flow, y'know...' if you get what I mean," she offers. "I get what you're saying, it's just a little bit vague and non-specific, and I-" your voice breaks a little bit. "I don't want to hurt you," you whisper. "You won't," she says quickly.

"Give me a kiss," she leans up, and you nod, and you kiss her so gently, always letting her lead, letting her be the first one to pull away. You want to lose yourself in her, but you have to keep your wits about you. "I think I'm going to get a shower and then head to bed, I'm tired," says Meredith. "Of course," you nod, and you show her the washroom and the shower, and hand her a towel.

You get ready for bed yourself, and she comes to join you in a little while. Desire flutters up in your belly again, but you squish it for now, and you kiss the top of her head softly. "Goodnight," you offer her, and then you hold her as she falls asleep. You close your eyes, and you will yourself to relax, as you adjust to somebody else being in the same bed with you after all of these years.

It's a big change, and you're conscious of that. You're far from ready to jump ship just yet. You're looking forward to the next few days of vacation together and you're ready to take it day by day, step by step. She's worth it, you know that she's worth it, and you'll just have to see what the future holds. You squeeze onto her tighter, and you can hear her sigh contentedly in her sleep as she feels you there. You smile widely at that, and you decide that that's a telling enough sign that this is going to work out for you, for now.