Never More Human | Soukoku Oneshot

Never More Human

Chuuya's apartement was Dazai's second home at this point. Not that he liked it that much, he just spent so much time there, be it just to piss off the shorter man by annoying him with his presence. Yeah, bothering Chuuya Nakahara was Dazai's favourite pastime, and also one of the most dangerous ones. Over the course of the years, he had gotten quite skilled at differentiating between 'everyday exasperation', 'average annoyance', 'downhearted displeasure' and 'actual anger™' (yes, he had taken the time to name Chuuya's different types of rage, what about it?), and knew exactly what buttons were accessible at what times for him to press without the risk of a painful death.

He knew his ex-partner like the back of his hand, and he prided himself on noticing the little things the redhead did and habits he had, like the way he'd drop everything to help a puppy he found on the side of the road. Dazai often had difficulties believing that this is the same man who had a god of destruction take control of his body every other mission. Unfortunately, he had stood face to face with the evidence more times than he could count, so there was really no use in denying facts presented to him on a silver platter.

Still, Chuuya was a good person, willing to do whatever it takes for what he believes is right. Yes, Chuuya's moral compass was strong, bested only by his even stronger sense of loyalty. Still, he often struggled with orders given to him by Mori. Dazai vividly remembers the toll it took on Chuuya when he had been forced to kill an innocent child. The redhead hadn't left his room for a week, only opening the door to accept food and drinks, 'coincidentally' brought to him by Dazai (because he'd rather die than admit he was worried so he just volunteered as an excuse to check up on him), and whenever he opened said door, his eyes were red and puffy, like he had been crying since the last time the door had been unsealed. No words got spoken, the nutrition just got pulled out of his hands and the door slammed in his face. Not even a passive aggressive comment along the lines of 'why do you of all people have to check up?' or a 'get out of my sight mackerel'. Dazai would be lying if he said he wouldn't have been relieved to hear those words at the time.

Sometimes Dazai regrets getting Chuuya to join the Port Mafia, but then he remembers he would not have met him otherwise.

Dazai was an extremely selfish creature, you see.

Besides, it wasn't all negative! Without the Port Mafia and him (especially him, his mind supplies helpfully), Chuuya would've succumbed to Corruption by now, crushed under the weight of Arahabaki.

But he wouldn't have had to be aware of all those bad things he'd done.

He wouldn't have had to mourn all the lives and the blood he had shed in a form he could not control.

He wouldn't have had to feel guilty for a situation that was out of his hands.

He wouldn't have to be so sad.

Dazai would rather die a painful death before he admitted how bad he felt for the man though. He knew Chuuya wouldn't accept his pity. And truly, Dazai didn't want him to. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be Chuuya .

So, Dazai was crashing on Chuuya's couch uninvited, like he did every so often, much to the other's annoyance. Well, the annoyance was a big part of the appeal. Another part was that this couch had no business being this comfortable, and Dazai would be damned if he slept in his own uncomfortable bed, if you could even call it a bed, with this couch as an alternative.

No matter how comfortable it was, though, sleep still did not want to embrace the tall man. He was subjected to the thoughts swirling around in his head. Not coincidentally, the vast majority of these thoughts contained a certain red haired man.

Oh, how Dazai would love to blame his surroundings for that. Alas, he knew better. He knew why Chuuya lived rent-free in his head. He had known for years. He had known ever since they had met again after those 4 years. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they say. Yeah, Osamu Dazai will not, nor is he able to, deny the waves of emotion and adoration that had flooded him when they had met again. Somewhere along the way, he had fallen for Chuuya Nakahara, hard.