Needing Him

                  Through the hazy fog of my dream I see Peeta being dragged away by Boggs and his men, battered and bruised. Coin watches sadistically from afar, with a smile stretched across her cold, unyielding face. I only realize that it's a dream a minute later, when I awake, screaming and sweaty, my legs tangled in the sheets of my bed in 13.

      It's not the first time I've been taunted by these nightmares. They come almost every night- every night that I manage to get any sleep, that is. They all feature the same basic thing: Peeta being beaten, Peeta being tortured, Peeta calling out for me while I watch from afar, helpless. He never dies, though. My mind would never allow me to feel such relief as Peeta's death. Every night when I lie down to go to sleep, the fear of the nightmares alone keeps me awake. From time to time I do drift off, only to be awoken hours or minutes later by the same chilling images.

      I sigh and swing my legs over to the edge of the bed. There's no sense in trying to return to sleep now, I decide as I look over at the bedside clock. 5:00 A.M., it reads. I shiver when my bare feet meet the cold tile of the floor. I hadn't noticed what little coverage this thin nightgown offered.

      I sneak across the room to clothe myself with something, careful not to wake Prim or my mother. My sister has been a light sleeper for all of her young life, and it's all I can do not to trudge over the floor because of the last traces of rage that have yet to leave my body. My hands and legs are still shaking, and it's a surprise I can walk at all.

      Once properly attired, I slink on light feet out of the room, ignoring the hole in the wall where our schedules are supposed to be printed on our arms. Dark purple ink doesn't suit me.

      I don't exactly know where I'm headed, only that I'm halfway down the hall when I turn abruptly into the rendezvous room, the one that holds all of the official rebellion meetings. I'm half expecting it to be empty, seeing as there are no meetings being held at the moment, but I'm taken aback when I spot Boggs and Coin speaking quietly in the corner.

      My fury reignites the moment I see them. The anger, and confusion, and hopelessness that I've felt these past few nights has been pent up, and it's released as I fly across the room towards the both of them. At the sound of my entry, the two turn towards the door in curiosity. It turns to shock, and then fear, as I launch myself at them.

      I'm overpowered, and I know it, especially with there being two of them. But I've got the element of surprise on my side, and I use it to my advantage as I leap onto Boggs and begin punching him, hard, in any place my fist can find purchase. He hollers when I connect with his jaw, but I don't stop. When I've rammed my knee straight into his gut, effectively causing him to lose his breath and fall to the floor, I finally disentangle myself from him and head for Coin.

      The president doesn't say anything, but her eyes are alight with fear, and behind that I sense a sort of perplexity at my actions. I don't explain, just begin kicking and punching and pulling her puzzlingly perfect hair. She screeches, and I somehow find satisfaction in the sound.

      My tirade is over when Boggs's strong arms lift me off of and away from Coin. I'm still flailing, trying to reach her, when he sets me down. His hands clamp firmly on my upper arms, and finally I settle down. He releases me hesitantly.

      Once Coin has straightened herself up, hair disheveled and subtle lipstick smeared, she wipes her hands on her pants and folds them in front of her. Orderly as usual, even though I've just savagely attacked her.

      "Now, Soldier Everdeen," she begins calmly. "Would you like to explain what that was all about?"

      Her usual placid smile stretches slightly across her face. It doesn't reach her eyes. It never does.

      "You haven't... saved... Peeta." My breath comes in small bursts, as I'm still panting from my little scene.

      "I'm well aware of that fact, thank you very much." Her brevity irritates me. "We're doing the best we can at the moment, Ms. Everdeen. You'll have to be patient with the way things are moving. There's nothing more we can do for the tributes right now."

      I hate how reasonable she is. I hate that I'm acting like a child. But most of all, I hate the fact that she's right. There really is nothing she can do to help Peeta right now. But I need him. I need to have him hold me when I wake from my nightmares. I need him there to reassure me that I can do this, that I can lead a rebellion, however irrelevant I may feel. I need him here, with me.

      I don't convey these feelings to her. Instead, I launch myself at her once again. But this time, when Boggs locks his arms around my middle, it's unnecessary. I've already fallen to the ground, collapsed into a sad heap of tears and broken wishes.