Unworthy

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

Kathy's POV

I did it again. I did something without thinking of the consequences. But now I have caused irreversible damage.
I should have known. How could I not have known? I have been pregnant before. I should have noticed, I should have been more observant then I wouldn't have stepped outside, I wouldn't have been so careless then my baby would still be alive.

I hear muffled voices, I look up from my cup of coffee, I see Sandra, I think she is saying something, her mouth is moving but I can't hear a thing.
I am not alone, yet I feel alone, my inner thoughts loudly echo around me, the outside world is like a silent movie playing right in front of me. A hand on my wrist jolts me awake from my stupor, then the voices become louder.
"Yes a chocolate cake would be nice" Monica says. What? What about chocolate cake?
"Luna, are you okay?" Mellisa asks with eyes of concern still holding my wrist.
"I am fine". Michael thought it would be a good idea if the 'women of the pack' as he put it came to keep me company. So Sandra, Lea, Shila, Bernice, Mellisa and Monica are all here with me. I have been home for thirteen - fourteen days I think, locked up in our house. Michael has been there for me, even though we rarely exchange more than one syllable to one another. He won't look me in the eye, I know his hurting, I understand.
My son is my ray of sunshine, his smile, his presence gives me hope in the midst of all this.
"I can't believe you found your mate before I did" Shila's voice brings me back to reality.
"Believe it sister!" Bernice yells as I wince
"No need to shout, geez" Shila says with an eye roll. Apparently Bernice found her mate when a neighbouring pack came to visit, his name is Alex. I am happy for her though it is sad that she has to leave to join his pack.
"You have no know idea how happy I am, I already miss him so much, I wish we had the mindlink already  that way we could talk to each other all the time but I guess I have to wait till I join his pack then there is the marking, oh I can't wait for us to finally have..."
"Okay, stop please, too much information, we get it, you will live happily ever after" Lea chimes in.
"I feel pity for the guy, he will never have a moment of peace" Sandra chuckles. Seeing Sandra pregnant makes me envious of her, it could have been me if I  was not so careless. I look away.
"You are all just jealous" Bernice pouts with arms folded across her chest.
"Okay, why don't we let Luna rest, am sure she is exhausted" Sandra says 
"Yes, we should be heading out" Monica adds
We walk to the door, all six women walk up to me to give me a goodbye hug as they head out of the door.
"I am sorry Luna, It was insensitive of me" she says while embracing me  "I shouldn't have come here in my condition, I am sorry I didn't think of how it would affect you" 

I lean back to look at Sandra while shaking my head "Don't say that, it's not you, I am sorry I made you feel that way, I am glad you came to visit besides I am looking forward to the birth of my god son, he is my god son, right?" I ask.
" Of course he is and there is no need to apologize Luna, if you need anything you will let me know yeah?"
"Yes, I will, thank you".

Later in the evening, I have dinner with my son and mate, the food is prepared at the pack house and delivered here. I don't have it in me to cook these days.  I nibble at my food as my mate and son talk about what they were up to during the day.

"Mummy, why are you sad?" My son asks as I tuck him in bed. "You don't smile like you used to, you are always sad"
"I-uh- I have not been feeling well these past days but I am getting better, okay" I say sitting on the bed.
"Okay mummy" he yawns. Kissing his temple, I turn off the light, close the door and walk to the bedroom. I need to get better for my family's sake. I just wish I knew where to begin.

Entering our bedroom, I find Michael walking out of the bathroom with only a towel around his waist, water dripping down his chiseled chest. I quickly look way and walk to the bed, entering the covers, I shut my eyes to try and get some sleep. Sleep has been eluding me since I woke up from the coma, Dr Williams offered to prescribe medication but I declined. No amount of sleep will rid me of this guilt.
"I was thinking that maybe we could go out to the human city for dinner tomorrow night" Michael says as he gets under the covers "What do you think?"
"If that's what you want"   

he sighs "Kathy, you need to stop doing that"
"Doing what?"
"Stop being stoic in our conversations, it's been like this since you came home, stop telling me what you think I want to hear. I want to know what you want, I need to know how you are feeling. If we are ever going to get past this, we need to be honest with each other" he says sitting up leaning on the headboard.
"Honest with each other? why don't you follow your own advice? you pretend that everything is okay when I can see it in your eyes that you are hurting"
"This is not about me" he rebuffs
"This is not about you? I thought we were in this together" I stand up out of bed turning to look at him "look, if we are to get past this like you said, we need to be honest with each other" I say pleading  "So please, be honest with me"
"What do you want me to say?" he asks whilst avoiding eye contact
"See, you can't even look me in the eye. I know you are angry with me"
"No, I am not"
"You blame me for what happened, don't you Michael?"
"No, I don't, let's just stop - this. This conversation is not helping" he says, his shoulders tensing.
"I am the one who killed our baby, it's my fault that you will never be a father. Say it."
"Enough Kathy"
"I should have listened to you, come on. Say it."
"I said ENOUGH!" he yells, but no, I will not back down.
"That is the problem. You preach about honesty but yet you do not practice what you preach"
"Okay fine! you want me to be honest?" he asks in a raspy voice getting out of bed, walking up to me, staring me down, his sky blue orbs now a shade darker.
"Yes. I am angry. Is that what you want to hear. That you should have listened to me! I told you not to join the fight but you did it anyway even after you promised me that you wouldn't. And now, because of your carelessness, we lost our baby and any chance of us ever having one. It is - your fault! you took it away from me" he yells, grabbing by arms "You should have listened to me, if only you listened to me" his voice quavering "WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?" he cries, shaking me.
"I am sorry, so - sorry" tears well up in my eyes, falling down my cheeks "I am-so-so-rry, i didn't know"
"Sorry is not going to change anything now is it?"
I sink to the ground as I sob covering my face with my hands. "I didnt know, ple-ase forgive me, I didn't." I say between breathes. Michael kneels down in front of me removing my hands from my face 

"I know, I  know" he croaks, hugging me to his chest as we let it all out through our tears.