Focus on Me

      Maggie is rushing through the ER not paying any attention when she runs right smack into someone. "Oh my gosh I'm so so sorry-wait, Amelia?" Amelia looks up from the chart she was quickly scanning. "Jeez girl, where's the fire?" She laughs. Maggie furrows her brows at her sister. "Didn't you hear about the blood shortage? We all need to go donate immediately" Amelia doesn't know how to respond. She's been trying to talk herself into going over to the clinic all day to give blood. But she knows sitting there alone with a needle in her arm will be too triggering and she doesn't know if she can risk it. She has Scout, Meredith's kids, sisters, and Kai. She especially can't break down in front of them."um yeah I'll be over there soon. Just so busy with patients! So many head traumas today!" Amelia runs off as Maggie continues to stand there confused. She's slightly worried as Amelia definitely seemed to be a little off. But Maggie couldn't quite figure out why.
          It's about an hour later when  Amelia is standing in the ER staring out the double doors at the rain with a blank look on her face. It is just a few minutes before this that Kai Bartley has decided they need to stretch their legs and get another cup of coffee as they have been sitting in the same spot for several hours going over data. They get a little lost and end up right outside the emergency room. They smile as they turn their head and see a familiar petite brunette standing a few feet away. "Hey Shepard" they say as they come up behind her and reach out their hand to graze her lower back. Being completely lost in her own thoughts, Amelia lets out a yelp as she jumps back, a little frightened by the sudden touch. Kai chuckles. "Someone is lost in her own world today". Their signature smirk begins to falter as she turns her body to face them straight on. "Shepard what's wrong?" They say as they notice the look on her face. She gives them a tight smile before saying "Oh nothing just thinking about a trauma patient. Actually I should be getting back to them, they should be getting out of CT right now.." she turns to walk away but they grab her arm and pull her back to them. "Amelia what's wrong?" She looks down for a second, racking her brain for another lie when she's stopped by their hand moving under her chin to lift her head back up. As she looks up into their green eyes, she is brought back to that day outside the hospital where they shared their first kiss. She feels so safe and calm with them. No one has ever taken care of her like this before and she keeps fighting with the voice in her head that tells her to run, run, run. Kai doesn't say anything as they wait for an answer but Amelia just can't find the words. She's afraid that if she opens up about this that they'll walk away. And she can't lose them. Yes she's told them about her past, but not about her triggers or her cravings in detail. It's too much, too soon, and she doesn't want to overwhelm them. Doesn't want them to think she's Hurricane Amelia like everyone else does. They're still in their own bubble. They don't know what's she's done or who she's hurt. She's brought back to reality by Kai's hand moving from under her chain to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "Amelia," they whisper. "You can tell me anything, you're not going to scare me away, I promise" She sighs and leans further into their hand as it comes to rest on the side of her face. "Okay", she whispers. "But not here".
         Amelia takes them by the hand and leads them to the closest supply closet she can find. Turning to close the door behind her, she takes a moment to breathe and settle her thoughts. Kai stands quietly, cursing anyone from her past that made her feel like she couldn't communicate her feelings. All they want is to hold her and keep her safe from the world, all the pain she's ever felt. Finally, Amelia looks up and meets their gaze. "There's a blood shortage". They nod, a little confused on what that has to do with her clearly anxious state. "I haven't given blood since a was a teenager. Since before I started using..." she trails off as her eyes begin to burn with tears. She doesn't want them to see her cry but one stubborn tear escapes as she looks at at them. They reach out a hand and wipe away the tear with their thumb, waiting for her to continue. "I'm afraid of what will happen when I see a needle in my arm. I don't think I can do it. But there's a blood shortage and people are dying and I feel like I'm failing everyone and-" "Hey shhh" they cut her off and bring up their other hand to the side of her neck. "I'll come with you. I'll be right there the whole time. And if it's too much then we can leave. Okay?" She releases a long breath she didn't know she was holding. "Okay".
       As they walk into the clinic together hand in hand, Kai gives hers a squeeze as a nurse walks over to them. "Hi Dr. Shepard it's nice to see you!" She smiles sweetly. "Hi Jen nice to see you too" Jen looks over at Kai. "And you are?"  "Dr. Kai Bartley nice to meet you" they reach out to shake her hand, charming as always. "Okay you guys, let's get you settled right over here. Nurse Jackie is going to come take care of you in a moment". Amelia sits down in one of the empty chairs and Kai takes the seat to her left. "Hey Dr. Shepard! So we're a little overwhelmed down here so we'll have to take your blood one at a time. Any preference on who goes first?" Nurse Jackie looks between the two doctors. "I'll go" Amelia tells her. As Jackie goes to grab the supplies Amelia looks over at Kai. They take her left hand in their own and rub circles with their thumb on the back of her hand. "Just focus on me". "Okay". Blue eyes stare into green as Jackie wipes Amelia's right arm with an alcohol pad and tightens a tourniquet around her bicep. Amelia takes a deep breath as she knows what's about to happen and immediately squeezes her eyes shut as the needle goes in. "Open your eyes and look at me please" whispers Kai next to her. She's so grateful to have them in this moment and her eyes well with tears at the thought of how good they are to her. "You're doing so good baby just don't look okay". Amelia continues to focus on her breathing but eventually her brain tells her to look. And she does. She only glances down for a second but as soon as she does her mind starts to spiral. She's suddenly back in that hotel room, rolling over to lay on Ryan's chest and realizing he doesn't have a pulse. Rehab, withdrawl, hurting Addison, hurting Charlotte, and everyone else close to her. Finding out she's pregnant with his baby. Christopher. Her baby boy dying in her arms. He lived for 43 minutes and he was beautiful. She's panicking, beginning to hyperventilate. Kai notices immediately and goes to reassure her but Amelia is already ripping the IV out of her arm and going straight for the exit door. She doesn't want Kai to see her breaking down like this. She just needs to be alone, to calm her spiraling thoughts, to breathe. Just breathe Amelia. She finds the closest on call room and locks the door behind her. Kai is running after her and tries the door. Their heart breaks as they hear her sobs coming though the door. "Amelia please open the door". She can't let them see her. She's choking on tears, stuck in her painful memories and she just needs to figure out how to stop. Kai doesn't give up, wouldn't ever leave her like this. "Shepard please let me in". They feel helpless, afraid of what she might do alone with her thoughts right now. She finally walks over to the door, unlocking it before walking back towards the window of the on call room and turning around so she doesn't face them. "Please just go, I can't...I can't do this right now". "I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving you ever, Amelia". "Please just let me help you". They reach out and gently grab her arm turning her around and trying to pull her closer to them. "No don't touch me! I can't- Kai please Go!" She grabs their arms and tries to push them away. Her breathing becoming more irriadic and mascara runs down her face. "Shepard I need you to look at me and breathe" she stops fighting for a second as they take one of her hands and bring it to rest on their chest. "Feel my heartbeat. Just focus on the rhythm of my heart and watch my chest rise and fall."  Amelia is mesmerized by their ability to begin calming her. She does as she's told, still very much panicked but feeling slightly less out of control. "I'm right here. Just keep breathing with me. ". They stand like this for a long time. Kai's gaze steady, looking right into Amelia's eyes. As she finally begins to calm, they move a hand to cup her face. "Better?"  Amelia nods. "I'm sorry" she whispers, voice horse from the tears. "Never apologize to me for your feelings, Shepard". She takes in their words. The sincerity of them making her eyes well up again and more tears fall. Kai moves their hands to her shoulders and pull her in to their chest. Amelia buries her nose in their chest and breathes. Their familiar scent calming her even more. They rub up and down her back, thinking carefully about what they want to say next. "I love you", they whisper. Amelia tenses a little in their arms. "Don't say anything, it's okay. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I am in love with you Amelia. And I will always be here for you, even when things are difficult. I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to know all of who you are". Amelia thinks for a second. She does love them. And she wants to tell them, but she's just so scared of them leaving her like everyone else. But maybe she should try. Try to let them in. Try to show them all of her. She takes a deep breath, "I love you too". They smile wide, glad she's still tucked against their chest. "Yeah?"  "Yeah". They release her body slowly and Amelia whimpers at the lose of contact . "Come here" they say as they walk towards the bed and lay down. Amelia complies, taking off her shoes and badge before laying down and cuddling up to Kai. They wrap their arms around her and she lays her head in the crook of their neck. "Hold me tighter" she whispers. "Okay baby" they tighten their grip on her even more and place a soft kiss on her forehead. "Close your eyes, I'll be right here when you wake up". "Promise?"  "I promise".