Jay Halstead: Trying to Hang on (Oneshots)

Undercover

* Trigger Warning: Vivid showing and explanation of a panic attack and PTSD mentioning. Do not read if that makes you uncomfortable*

Jay was on an undercover assignment. He was going under as himself to connect with an old army friend. Jay had handled his PTSD pretty well over the last few years, he had a rough start when he first got back but gradually learned how to deal with it. No one in the unit knows about Jay's PTSD except Hailey. They got really close over the last few months. He knew he could count on her.

The team knew about Jay's time in Afganistan, so they were worried. It took some convincing by Jay to let Voight keep him on this case. He really didn't want to blow it.

"Halstead, can you hear us?" asked Voight.

"Loud and clear." Jay responded.

"Going in" Jay announced.

Hailey and Kim were outside the veterans center in a surveillance van. The others were scattered around the outside of the building trying to look inconspicuous. Jay had a camera hidden in the button of his shirt. He was also wired so the team could hear everything.

To be honest, Jay was nervous about making contact with Graham again. He knew a lot about Jay's past that he didn't want the team to hear. He was already having an anxious week. The anxiety came in bouts. He could usually feel a wave coming on a couple days before it hit, like a storm. He had a tough case that reminded him of Afganistan and all the awful things he experienced. He had gotten barely any sleep they past few days because of this case, which compounded his bad memories.

He'd been having  more, and more nightmares recently, so he was more nervous than usual because of everything.  

He saw Graham almost as soon as he entered. He let the team know he had eyes. Graham was part of a robbery crew that the team was trying to pin. Jay was sad in a way for his friend, he was a good man once, after he came back home he dealt with the trauma by turning to crime, Jay was thankful he got grips on the worst of his PTSD with the help of Will.

"Jay is that you?" Graham asked

"Graham? How are you man? Long time no see!" Jay said back.

He couldn't let Graham know he knew anything. He has to play nice for the time being.

"Are you here often?" Jay asked

"No not too often, I only come about once every two weeks." he said.

Jay already knew this.

"I think it's about to start, we should go sit" Jay said.

Jay sat beside Graham in a circle of chairs. He could feel his anxiety rising but was trying hard to push it down. He was really hoping it wouldn't get any worse. It was like the more he was aware of it and tried to push it down the worse it got.

He could feel his breathing quicken slightly.

"Graham would you like to share next?" the lady conducting the meeting asked.

"Sure"

Jay was really hoping no one noticed his breathing so he could stay under. He was just hoping Graham didn't bring him into the conversation. If Graham did, Jay wasn't sure he could keep it together.

"Actually, this is Ricky Halstead and we were in the same group while in Afganistan. We had some crazy times. His actual name is Jay but everyone in the unit called him Ricky because of how one time he ricocheted a bullet off the ground from 400 feet away to hit a target, that was one for the history books! Anyways, I remember one time we were in a Humvee doing our morning checks, ya know saying hi to the locals and making sure everything was running smoothly. Then all the sudden we were hit with and IED, everything exploded, and we lost two guys, that......... that was a hard week." Graham said solemnly.