Newtown... New Me?

2. Convincing Myself

(Pretend the first chapter took place in 6th year and they're in 6th now.)

POV: Peter Keappock, Monday Morning

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

"Ugh another week"

Waking has been so difficult the past few months. I don't even know why I call it waking up anymore, I know I haven't slept in what feels like ages.

I get dressed and head up to the kitchen, no breakfast. I can't keep it down.

"Peter your in 6th year, you need to eat something."

Mum means well, she hasn't been too happy with my eating habits in the past while. I don't blame her either, she has a reason to be worried. I give her a shrug.

"Do we really need to do this every morning?"

"Come on, I bet Ivan and all your other friends know better than to go to school hungry."

I shiver at the sound of his name.

"Ivan isn't perfect you know."

"Nobody's perfect Pete,  just that a bit of food is better than nothing."

"Not hungry."

I wish I was hungry, then I wouldn't be feeling all this guilt. My life would be so much easier if I just ate like a normal person.

"I need to brush my teeth." 

My announcement went unchallenged by my concerned mother. 

"This mirror makes me feel invisible." I joke to myself. I look at my floss, and sigh. Flossing doesn't work for me, my teeth are weird. I brush my teeth and get on with life.

*********************

In the car I open up Instagram and see an unread message from Ivan, guilt overtakes me and my heart pangs as I close the app to avoid it, getting rid of the notification. Today's not gonna be easy, that's for sure. I open TikTok to try and get my mind off of things, but everything only gets worse when I see loads of cute couples cuddling. #boyfriends #gay #love. We arrive at school and I'm struggling to hold back tears. I rush into the locker room and Naoise looks at me eerily, winks and let's out a 5 second long "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

I pretend that I thought she was looking at Malachy and ignore her. I open my locker and am instantly met with the polaroid picture of me and the lads, myself and Ivan in the centre, laughing to each other. I tear the photo down, wiping my eyes. I try to snap out of it, but before I can gather myself, Malachy shows up at my locker and I can hardly notice what he's saying, just giving thoughtless responses. The bell goes and I take maths as my opportunity to have some time alone.

I step into maths and the first thing I notice is Ivan's empty seat. Alone is the one thing I don't want to be right now. If I hadn't been so careless this wouldn't have happened. It's my fault Ivan's not here and I can't avoid it. I get flashbacks to last night, he trusted me. I  ruined everything, I couldn't control myself, I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't notice what I'd done until it was too late.

"Peter! Class is over, and I have a feeling you don't like maths enough to stay for my next class."

"Oh yeah, sorry. I'll get going."

I put on a happy face, because something tells me Malachy's gonna want to talk again, and I know I can't let him know what's going on. As if on cue Malachy catches my eye and remarks that I look to be better. It's so easy to deceive people when you look as perfect as me. I brush him off and head into English. There's a poem on the board and the line "If I can ease one life the aching" stares into my soul. What is it with today? It's as if life the universe wants me to hate myself. It was a mistake, he's probably fine. I'm only lying to myself now, and This perfectly chiseled body doesn't work as well when convincing myself of things.

We get a break in between the double and I race for the door. I know Malachy is following me, I heard him whisper my name under his breath. Even with my super-human speed, he manages to catch up with me outside the chemistry lab. I need to get away, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Malachy asks me if I'm ready to talk and I explain that I just can't, but his determination doesn't faulter.

"Just promise, this story isn't repeated."

"I swear, you can trust me Peter."