Am I Allowed to Look at Her Like That?

I smiled as I saw her sit down on the couch. I was so glad she had decided to show up to another session, because she needed it.

I lifted my pen up to my notepad and smiled once more. She stared at me as if she didn't know what to say, so I began.

I asked her how her day was which immediately perked her up and made her more able to open up, which I thought was a bit unnatural, though good as my job was to listen to her and help her the best I could.

I listened to her talk about her son, and how he had come home from school that day only to go up to his room to play chess for hours on end. I wanted to talk to her son, but I didn't know how to ask without seeming like a creep.

She then rambled on about how her ex-husband had been really stressing her out that day, in which he undeniably stressed me out being a patient of mine for years, so I understood the cause to need to vent about him.

I continued to listen to her talk about how her neighbors had also gotten on her nerves in the way they had been begging her to swing with them and she just couldn't because she wasn't that kind of girl… blah blah blah.

I was mostly unconcerned with everything she happened to be saying, and more concerned with how she had enraptured me.

She was an extremely stunning woman who had rendered me breathless during our last session, and I was ecstatic to know she felt welcome in my office and would be coming back next Friday (which happened to be today of course), in which I replied with "How would anything get done if you disliked me?" Which she laughed at.

Her laugh enchanted me. I felt like I was melting at the slight snort near the end of her laugh. She expressed how self-conscious she was about it, but I couldn't understand how her adorable laugh could make her feel that way.

I tried to come back to my senses while she began to talk about how Whizzer had called her a whore for no reason, which pissed her off quite a bit, though obviously he was making a joke on how she had only ever been with Marvin when she revealed the context of the name-calling, but coming to my senses during this would be out of the question.

The page I had flipped to in my notebook that I had hoped to take actual, useful, notes with, had been filled with her name written over and over again, making sure there was no room at all for any other words.

As I looked over the notebook page her name droned in my head. "Trina." My mind repeatedly whispered. "Trina." My brain couldn't stop this train of thought. "Trina."

I quickly snapped my eyes away from the paper, gracing her with them as she continued to talk, now asking her some questions about how these things made her feel so she could go more in-depth and work on why they make her so upset, when somebody else may not feel as upset as her if this happened to them.

But the gracing turned into staring. The staring made a new train of thought appear in my head. "She is absolutely gorgeous. I admire how beautiful she is. I wish I could hold her perfect body and make her feel safe and warm. I wish her beautiful lips could meet mine in a tender, passionate kiss, even for just a moment. I wish I could have her, I really do."

Am I allowed to look at her like that? It seems incredibly unprofessional that my thoughts go to her beauty and her gorgeous body whenever I look at her. It seems extremely wrong to look at a mentally ill woman and yearn for her the way I do. It's just entirely wrong the way I stare at her while she talks, sort of ignoring her while studying her. I feel disgraceful and perverted seeing her in these malicious ways, but she sends me. She makes me feel like I could do anything, but honestly, when she speaks directly to me, my heart can never help but burst in the most wrongfully awful ways.

Through all of these thoughts, I had lost track of time and her session had ended. It was time for her to go.

We both stood up at the exact same time, knowing she had to leave. I didn't want her to go, but we both knew she had to or her ex-husband would become furious and her son would be wondering why she wasn't home when she usually was.

I gently took her hand in mine and thanked her for attending the session. She smiled back at me and I began to melt like I had at the beginning of the session when she smiled back at me as we prepared to get started.

She waved goodbye and I watched her leave my office.

I shouldn't see her the way I do, but she always makes me feel overwhelmed with joy when she's around me, yet overwhelmed with sadness when I must see her go.

It's all so wrong but it feels so right.

I am so in love with her.