The Girl Under the Magnolia Tree

IV

It is in February, when her tree starts to get its color back and the branches start to bloom with magnolias, that I can't bear it any longer and decide that I'm going to go see her. I plan it perfectly in my head.

Bar Harbor is only 9 hours and 43 minutes away from here by car. By train it's only about three hours. So, I buy a one-way train ticket set to leave tomorrow afternoon. I'll stay for a day or two or for as long as she'll have me, assuming she still wants me.

My heart quickens at the prospect of seeing Ella again–of being able to hold her in my arms and run my hands through her hair. Of being able to stare into her beautiful, green eyes.

That night, I sleep more peacefully than I have since I saw Ella last. Maybe because my mind knows that tomorrow I'll see her again and this torment will be over.

I awake with the rising sun and am careful not to wake Adam as I get ready for the day. I put on jeans, a plain white shirt, and the flannel I wore on the first day of classes when I sat next to Ella in math. She loved this flannel.

Before I leave for breakfast at the dining hall, I pack a bag and draft my last email to Ella before I see her.

My dearest Ella,

I am coming to see you today. I stayed away for as long as I could but can't any longer.

I hope you'll have me.

All my love,
Theo

I hit send and leave for the dining hall, forgetting to close my laptop in my hurry. When I come back, Adam is up and sitting on my bed with my laptop in his hands, an unsettled expression on his face.

"What are you doing?" I ask cautiously.

He looks at me then back at the computer screen and back at me again.

"Theo–"He starts, and I know immediately from his tone of voice that he's read the emails.

I walk over two him in two quick strides and snatch my laptop out of his hand.

"You had no right." I say coldly as I stuff it into the bag I packed earlier.

"You left it open, I saw her name and I just–" He stops himself short and shakes his head as if to clear it. "You've been writing emails to her?"

I don't say anything as my adrenaline starts to rush and I can't decide if I should stay or just leave. Fight or Flight?

"Theo, nothing about this is healthy," He's standing up now, looking at me with what I think is a mix of fear and concern. "She's gone, Theo. You know that, right?"

He's talking to me like a mother would and upset toddler and for some reason, it makes me angry.

"No, she's not." I say through clenched teeth, trying to calm myself.

"She's not coming back." He says in the same tone.

"You don't know what you're talking about." There's a ringing sounds in my ears and I know if I don't walk away now, I'm going to hit him.

"You have to move on, Theo. You have to let her go."

"You know nothing!" I scream as I turn to walk out the door.

He calls my name as he grabs my shoulder, but I shove him off as hard as I can. He falls back onto the floor in shock, and I just leave him there. I leave him there and think about how it won't matter if I apologize or not because he won't see me again.

It's not until I get to the train station half an hour later and am seated on the train that I allow myself to breathe and gather my thoughts. I close my eyes as the train starts to move, and I force myself to not think about anyone or anything except Ella.

Ella, Ella, Ella.

I repeat her name in my head. I repeat it until the train finally stops three hours later. I sling my bag over my shoulder as I get off. It'll take me an hour to get to her if I walk, but I don't call a cab because walking will give me time to think about all of the things I want to say to her.

Bar Harbor is a coastal town and I pass multiple boats and yachts. It's lined by mountain ranges that go on for miles and its buildings and shops are quaint but lively. I imagine Ella walking down the same street I'm on, ducking in and out of different shops. I walk, and walk, and walk, only stopping to buy flowers from a stand I pass on the way. I get sunflowers because they remind me of her.

I'm only a block away from her now and my heart is beating so hard, I can feel it throughout my entire body. I stop at a large, wrought iron gate. I'm so close. I push through them and walk down a cobblestone path. And then I see her.

She's there in that yellow sundress I love so much, smiling at me. Just like she is in the picture taped to the wall above my desk. There's a lump in my throat and tears prick my eyes as I get closer. I pick up the framed photo of her and stare down at her gravestone.

Ella Marie Daniels

1977-1996

"Hey, love," I whisper. "I'm here. I'm finally here."

I let the tears fall. And then I start to sob. The sobs rack through my body violently and painfully.

"I'm sorry," I cry as I drop to my knees. "So, so sorry."

I tell her I'm sorry for the stupid argument I started that night. For telling her that I didn't need her when she threatened to break up with me. It was an empty threat and we both knew it. But still, I let her walk away. I tell her that I'm sorry for not going after her–for not calling her name because if I did, she would have turned around. She wouldn't have kept on walking. She wouldn't have been so focused on getting away from me that she would have seen the car coming before it hit her.

It should've been me.

A wave a dizziness hits me, and I hunch over my knees, my head nearly touching her gravestone. I'm trying so hard to breathe but each breath gets more and more shallow and it's like I can feel my heart rate slowing down.

"I love you." I say.

Darkness creeps in at the edge of my vision, growing larger and larger until it's all I can see. My last thoughts are of her. I think about her as she was when I first saw her in the courtyard. Beautiful. Magnificent. Radiant.

Ella–my Ella.

The girl under the magnolia tree.